So confused about everything

[legobricks]

I’m sorry if what i describe isn’t what these forums are for. The last few months i have been really struggling and going back and forth in my head over what is happening and what i should do. If anyone does spare a few mins to read and reply to this thankyou.

My fiancé is a bully. But since i had my son it has bothered me more because i have to stand up for him now.

He is on final warning at work for going into rages and being abusive at work. (their words)
He says if i were to take our son away he would come after me and there would be no stopping the violence.
He says i would have no chance in court because i am a n*****e. (before i met him (detail removed by Moderator) yrs ago i had treatment for depression, self harm and ocd. but i have not relapsed in (detail removed by Moderator) yrs)
He pays all the bills now i only work part time because of child care. He sYs its his house, that i dont contribute. I bought my own car but somehow it is his because he has put some parts on it i asked him not to.
He wont stop swearing infront of me or our baby. It feels like i am not allowed an opinion, he is always right. He is constantly mking rasist remarks. tells me if i dknt eat meat he will throw me out. (i want to be (detail removed by Moderator))
All he does is play on his phone, no conversation or playing with our son. He does nothing around the house and if i arrange playdates there is always the comment that i should be staying at home cleaning…
He looses his temper and shouts, sulks and throws tantrums, breaking and throwing things but he has never hit us.
i tried leaving him (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, the wrong way by cheating on him, as i had no where to go i was hoping to move in with them and escape but i got caught and he came at us with a (detail removed by Moderator), i broke my foot in the brawl… so i know i am very much in the wrong. I have not even spoken to another man since then, it is always brought up though.

Armed police were sent that time. I am scared. I am scared for my boy, the last thing i want for him is to copy him. He already speaks to him telling him not to listen to mommy etc…

he spilt water once and i got the blame. He threw the pram across the hall. Our baby was in bed but woke up but he was safe.

I dont know what to do. What can i do?

Am i at fault here? am i over reacting? have i caused this?

I dont know what to think

[Pearlescent]

Hi legobricks,

Take a minute to read this back to yourself and look at it as if someone else has written it – who would you say is to blame ? Does it seem like they are over reacting ?

You are most definitely not to blame, nor are you over reacting, nor have you caused this. It sounds like you are currently in a very dangerous situation and I would strongly advise you to speak to someone on the helpline so that you can get some information on the options available to you. Please believe that you can take control and get out of this situation – not by trying to reason with your fiance (as this will not work) but by arming yourself with as much information as possible and realising that this is not the way that someone who loves you treats you.
Please be careful and do call the helpline – they helped set me free.

Pearl xx

[Tiffany]

Just seconding Pearl here. You are not to blame. Also from what you have written it is pretty clear that your fiance has a record of abusive behaviour known to both his work place and the police. It seems highly unlikely that a court would rule his care preferable to yours, especially as you got treatment for your mental health problems and have had them under control for a long time.

[KIP.]

You are not at fault, you are not overreacting and you have not caused it. He is responsible for his actions. You are in a very dangerous abusive relationship. Please speak to someone. Your GP? Ring the helpline number on here or find your local women’s aid and pop in for a talk. They won’t put pressure on you. Do not believe a word he says. Abusers are great liars. That’s how they manipulate us. Read other posts on here and you will see similar behaviour. Just because he hasn’t hit you doesn’t mean he won’t and it doesn’t lessen the damage he is doing to you and your son. Throwing things is an act of violence. Grabbing, pinching, trapping you in a room, punching walls, acting like a coiled spring to terrify you, all acts of violence. And the threat of violence used to control x

[KIP.]

Ps my ex threatened for years to take my son because of my mental illness. There is no shame in having a mental illness. One in four of the population does. I had depression and anxiety and now suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But I’m dealing well with it. Ring the helpline number on here x

[legobricks]

Thankyou for so many replies. I have read them all several times over today, first time crying because my fears of whats happening are recognised as dangerous. Crying in relief that its not all my head. Crying that i need to pick up the phone and that scares the hell out of me.

Im most worried that i dont have the money to leave, and with the house being in both our names i wont be able to get help with somewhere to live.

I shall probably have to keep reading these to stop myself from not doing anything.

But a friend is aware of things, she is the most trustworthy person i know. It helps to know she knows.

[KIP.]

Can you visit a solicitor. Most offer a free initial consultation which might put your mind at ease about finances. Can you keep a secret journal? Its important that you tell someone what is going on. Its good evidence. Its devastating to realise that someone you love and you think loves you in return is actually abusing you. Its a lot to take in. The helpline wont put any pressure on you. I rang at first and just couldnt speak. They are used to this so even if you ring and cant speak, you can ring another time. They were fantastic in helping me and giving me options i hadnt considered x

[legobricks]

Its not normal for someone to call their baby a f*****g tw*t while changing their nappy is it?

[Lisa]

Hi legobricks,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am pleased you found us and that you have already had support on here.

You are in no way at fault or to blame for the way your partner is behaving. He is being very abusive towards you and your baby. He is the only person responsible for his actions, and unfortunately abuse tends to escalate.

As already suggested, please do try to call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) when he is not around. The Helpline Workers will not judge you or tell you what to do but they will listen to you and discuss your options based on your circumstances. If you are not able to talk when you first ring then that is fine, the Helpline Workers will understand and will be patient. You have already taken a huge step by reaching out for support and we will be here for you along the way.

Your local support group can also offer ongoing emotional and practical support. You can find details here. You could also speak to the police and your GP or Health Visitor.

I am concerned for the safety of you and your baby, please do keep posting to us to let us know how you are. There is a lot of support available for you and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[older lady]

Hello, Legobricks. You are suffering from a pattern of abuse that many of us will recognise. Self-blame is a part of the response to the abuse. You feel guilty for ‘cheating’, but I don’t think you should. There is nothing wrong with trying to find a warm, loving relationship with someone. All the ladies support you, and I hope you can see that. Your child’s father reminds me of my own child’s father. We all blame ourselves for being abused. But its because society blames women, and that’s another issue, but we’re encouraged to take responsibility for the abuses we suffer. It’s not your fault, you’re trying to survive in an intolerable situation. I am another woman to add to the list of many who has been threatened by the father of her child that he will take her child away because she is mad. I’ve suffered from post natal depression, and i’m susceptible to depression but does that make me responsible for his abuse? Its a cliche with a long history but men still do it. These abusive men think society supports them. They think they’re behaving the way a ‘man’ should behave. When society moves forward these dinosaurs will be left behind. I hope you will break free mentally, stop blaming yourself and go for help. xx

[legobricks]

Thankyou Lisa & Older Lady.
I did try to ring the helpline twice today, but my phone’s microphone was broken and they couldnt hear me. I think i have fixed it though now so shall try to have the courage to call again when i can.

Although right now, because i have been almost silent around him all day he has been as nice as pie, asking if he had offended me in anyway and being all cuddly etc.. Watching him make our baby laugh tonight and im doubting if he is abusive or am i over sensitive.

I pretty sure i know what your replies will be but i easily forget the bad sometimes.

He is only my second relationship. My first lasted (detail removed by Moderator). He raped me. And the person i am with now saved me from a physically abusive relationship as a friend first and then we started seeing each other. So to start with his aggressiveness was my security blanket. Does that make sense?

[Tiffany]

Legobricks, you are right in knowing what we will say, but we all also know how seductive the good bits can be. I too felt ‘saved’ by my abuser – from chronic illness in my case – he supported me to continue living independently, but that doesn’t give them the right to abuse us.

I hope you manage to call the helpline soon. Try and do it even if things still feel ‘alright’. They won’t force you to take any action, but they will be able to give you advice based on extensive experience and knowledge is never a bad thing to have.

[lilaclady]

Legobricks we are all here for you. Please ring the helpline they will give you great advice and in my experience knowledge is a great thing, otherwise it’s all so overwhelming. I am so glad you have your friend to talk to. Also speaking to a GP is also a good idea as that will all be logged. You are not alone we are here and please get some advice and support xx

[Beenherebefore]

Legobricks, we are all here for you. You have started your journey to safety and freedom. This man’s treatment of you is disgusting and you deserve respect and care and love. You may find that you are doubting yourself or that suddenly reaching out becomes overwhelming and scary. Remember to keep looking after yourself in this period and in the moments that you do feel brave (and when you are safe to do so) continue to reach out. I often found the main WA helpline difficult to pick up so have a look for local helplines too that may be less busy. Talking to someone who knows what you are going through can really help. We are all with you here hun, you are not alone. x x

[Nina]

Legobricks, you can leave even with nothing. If I could do it anyone can, I literally had £12 to my name but it was the best thing I ever did. I didn’t even have a car, the four we had were in his all in his name, just like everything else.

If you live in an area where IDAS operate, and you decide that you want to leave they will also help. They really supported me with everything and helped me sort out a house.

All the practicalities can be sorted out and it doesn’t take long. The relief of being away far outweighs everything else that I’ve have to deal with.

I totally understand how you feel though as I was convinced that I was trapped. He told me often enough that if I left I’d have no home, job, money or car.
He forgot to mention that I’d be safe and happy.

I also thought he was my saviour after being in an abusive marriage before I met him. With time he turned out to be worse, at least my ex husband wasn’t violent. Just remember none of this is your fault and like Beenherebefore said, you’re not alone x

[legobricks]

thankyou for so many replies. I wish i was better at replying but my brain has stalled.

I havent called the helpline, fighting the feelings of unworthiness to call at the min.

My name is on the mortgage so i dont think i would get any financial help or housing. I cant risk bring my leaving and wanting to sell the house while i am still there so i’m stuck because i have no where to go.

[Tiffany]

Please call the helpline. You are not unworthy. I know the feeling – I felt awful when I first called, like I was wasting their time, because I wasn’t in any danger – but by the time you are in danger you need the police, not a helpline anyway! I found them incredibly helpful and supportive – in no way felt like I was wasting their time and they were so patient listening, even when I felt like I wasn’t getting things out straight. They will be able to give you advice on your options – don’t assume that there aren’t any until you have spoken to them!

[Nina]

You will get help with housing even if your name is on a mortgage. Citizens Advice helped me as my name was still on the mortgage I had with my ex husband. When we divorced years ago he changed jobs so he could get paid partly cash in hand. Thus reducing CSA payments and then the bank wouldn’t let me take my name off because of his fake low income. He’s selling it now so I’ll finally be free of it and one less tie. Because of the risk of him defaulting or remortgaging and me having any liability I took out a court order to protect me. Good job I did as he’s selling the house at a loss.

I know the thought of sorting it all out is overwhelming because ultimately it’s down to you, especially when you’re feeling broken and useless. There is always help and support out there though. I had a massive list of practical things that I had to sort out and if I did just one thing off that list a day I was doing ok. I’ve been there and wish I’d done it before it got as bad as it did, when I didn’t have a choice, the police made it for me xx

[legobricks]

We have been having a good run until yesterday what i was screamed at (detail removed by moderator).

i havent got anywhere else but here to let it out.

I was actually thinking how happy i was just seconds before and then he came home and immediately verbally attacked and im knocked right down feeling hollow again.

[KIP.]

Google ‘cycle of abuse’. Get in touch with your local womens aid for support. Youre going to need help to get out of this toxic relationship x

[legobricks]

Today i was told if i didnt get enough chores done i will be kicked out.

Its fine for him to do absolutely no chores around the house because he works full time. Because i only work parttime so i can look after baby i already do everything but thats not good enough but he wont help. Just threaten me because i am not doing good enough.

I cant stop crying over such a stupid little thing.

Im so scared of loosing my baby and i am trying to keep the peace but i dont want to live in a prison where if his mug isnt washed i get in trouble.

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds awful legobricks, so sorry to hear what you are experiencing. Did you manage to ring the helpline or your local domestic abuse team? Lots of ladies have escaped like you with their children to a safe place and a life free of abuse, you can do it. xx

[KIP.]

Youre nit getting into trouble because his mug isnt washed. Thats just an excuse he hides behind to continue his abuse. If it wasnt the mug he would just make up something else. He is distracting you from his abusive behaviour by pointing th spotlight on some perceived mistake of yours. Dysfunctional abusive tactics x remember the FOG of abuse. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

[legobricks]

i got through to my local helpline. They have offered me a place at a refuge.

Im now too scared to go. Am i ready to start anew
I dont want to leave my job but im aware of the dangers.

but i am also afraid of the outburst when he gets home, i havent been able to unblock the sink so it looks like i havent tidied the kitchen because i havent been able to wash up.

[Author]

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