So confused and broken

[wishfulthinking]

I dont know where to start……its been a really stressful marriage from the go, and now ive just had enough, because appaeently im the problem, the unreasinable, disobeying disrespectful wife, and i really dont think i am, my family and friends dont think i am, theyre saying hes the problem, hes the abusive one, so now ive come here, as a last resort to ask strangers if what im living with is abuse so i can stop overthinking everything and get a way out.
I had an arranged marriage, due to disability and family issues i was told by everyone, his family ane mine that it will be for the best because my hubby ane in laws know everything and wont hold it against me in the future…….how wrong they were. My in laws tried to change me as soon as i got married, before they were so sweet and supportive, afterwards it was like it i should live and talk and dress their way or no way.
They pushed me to apply for his visa, (hes from (Detail removed by Moderator)) and then they pressurised me to apply for his cutizenship, literally got the papers and watched me fill and sign them. They were angry when i became pregnant within the (Detail removed by Moderator), which at the time didnt make sense, but several years later i found out through people that they just wanted my hubbys visa and citizenship and were pushing him to divorce me since then.
My hubbys not any better, hes always been a spoilt selfish inconsiderate child since ive married him, hes the one son/brother out of (Detail removed by Moderator) sisters so got vip treatment from birth, which he expected me to carry on. Im disabled,(Detail removed by Moderator) meaning pain and suffering and inability to carry out everyday tasks, but hubby still expected it. I thought he would change, become a respinsible adult after having children, so i stayed, sucked it up and waited……..(Detail removed by Moderator) children later hes worse than ever.
Now because we had (Detail removed by Moderator) girls he became worse, burdening the girls with tasks because i became weaker and more ill having children by c section when i was already disabled whilst he put his parental responsibilities on the girls, ie all housework, looking after the younger ones, serving him hand and foot, and his disabled mother, shouting swearing, intimidating when they didnt do what they were told when he told them, or if they answer back.
Why did i stay with him you might ask, especially if he was already (Detail removed by Moderator) when i married him? The answer is my mum, who put fear and oppression in my heart from childhood, she was basically how ive just described my husband, except she was physically abusive when nothing went her way, or she was just having an “off” day. Her mentality was that her kids were born to serve her, and she especially lashed out on me the most(Detail removed by Moderator).
When i used to cry to her, beg for her support in leaving him because im disabled and needed that help, she used to verbally abuse me and threaten me that i had to stay with him, she made me believe that he was such a selfish arrogant fat pig (her words) because he didnt have a son, give him a son and he will change his ways.
I believed her, let her and my husband pressurise me (Detail removed by Moderator) and have a “sex selection” pregnancy. The pain i endured there was horrible, but i kept thinking to myself i was doing it to have my happy ever after.
(Detail removed by Moderator) c section, (Detail removed by Moderator) and another operation on the same day (Detail removed by Moderator) and my hubby is holding his son with a big grin, and im left feeling even more broken and isolated.
My situatiin now is that he dotes in his son, his daughters are still treated like personal maids, and im more disabled and unhealthy than before.
He says something and denies it to the extent if i keep arguing my case he shouts and swears, making me doubt myself, which upsets and hurts me even more because i know what i heard.
Hubby is self employed, works (Detail removed by Moderator) hours a day (Detail removed by Moderator) days a week and uses the rest of the time watching tv and playing on his phone.
He might make dinner 2/3 times a week, and takes the kids to school once a week. He doesnt do anything else in the house, but yet still seems to think he does everything. On a off day he will shout and swear at me and the girls that we are at home all day but its still a mess, what have we been doing all day, theres so many b****y woman living in the house but the house is disgusting, even when im ill or the kids are ill he still shouts.
We have (Detail removed by Moderator) children, he is self employed and has an employee to work (Detail removed by Moderator) hours whilst he only works (Detail removed by Moderator), so hes got money to spend (Detail removed by Moderator) to work for him, but i dont/cant ask for money, for myself or the kids. I live and spend on my disability money and child tax credits and child benefit. I asked him for extra money for school uniform, he gave me a (Detail removed by Moderator), and i ended up spending (Detail removed by Moderator) overall, but when i asked for more he said he doesnt have money and that we are “struggling” financially, (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks later hes booked a holiday to (Detail removed by Moderator), and (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks after that a holiday(Detail removed by Moderator). When i tried talking to him he said i was finding problems delibertaly, i was being unreasonable, and causing arguements.
Hes called me every mean word i know, threatened to slap me “to put me in my place” for raising my voice at him and being disrespectful. I only raise my voice when im angry because hes denying something hes said or done or because hes blaming everything on me.
He breaks promises with the kids so many times they dont even trust him or ask anything from him. Its always me going out my way for the kids. He doesnt/has never, bathed/dressed/night feeds/looked after any of the children because “hes a working man”?!.
He doesnt offer to reimburse me any money i have spent on the house or kids or anything. I am spending my disability on other things rather than spending it on myself to make my life easier, which is what its supposed to be used for.
Ive tried to make my marriage work, ive tried talking nicely, angrily, bringing my family into it, his family into it, but he just does not listen or change for anyone or anything.
My fault i suppose, hes got the business, accounts, cards, cash, everything in his grasp, and i dont have a clue. If i threaten to leave he will laugh and say where you going to go? Your mother wont keep you, your dad cant keep you (hes remarried) you have no other family except your siblings who are younger than you and you have no money to support yourself…….im not saying im an angel, i answer back, try to defend myself, try to argue my side, if he calls me a name, i throw it bak at him, if he says somethinh horrible about my family or me, i say it back to him, buy now im just broken, walking on eggshells, biting my tongue and trying to be “a good wife” but im tired and in pain most of the time that i just cant keep it up.
I wish i could do all the things he wants me to do, but physically and mentally its impossible for me……….so honestly, am i being the unreasonable disobedient, disrespectful wife or am i being emotionally financially and mentally abused?

[Twisted Sister]

You are being emotionally financially and mentally abused. It’s wrong to threaten and intimidate. He’s living a completely different life to you an your girls. Giving birth to children that risk your health.

What decent person stands by and watches that happen.

ask yourself if you would do any of these things, knowing the pain and suffering it causes? You will have your answer.

This is not love, this is mysogyny, hatred.

Huge hugs to you and knowing you deserve so much better than this.

As mothers we will spend everything we have to see our children have what they need and go wgout, when clearly he doesnt care about them at all. It’s horrendos and I am so sad for you living like this.

If you lived separately with your children you would be so much better off, in every way.

Please call the helpline, the police could even help you al out of there at any time. Your girls and yo u are literally modern day slaves.

You all deserve to life your lives learning and experiencing true love and respect for each other. He is teaching them every day they are worthless, they face mental illness all the while they are treated this way by him and watch him treat you in this sub-human way.

It’s so brave of you to finally speak out about these appalling abuses please keep posting if and when you can and get more support from us and the helpline and any disability help you can too.

Warmest wishes ts

[KIP.]

Abusers are great at changing the goal posts and making unrealistic demands just so that they can abuse us for failing. Pease contact your local women’s aid. Don’t tell him about your plans. He sounds controlling and dangerous if he knows you’re going to leave. You deserve better. If I was in a non abusive marriage I would never have come to this website. So that fact that you are posting actually answers your own question. Confused and broken is what abuse does to us. Ring the helpline on here and speak to them about your situation x you do have choices and there is lots of help out there if you just reach out. Abusers thrive on silence x

[Author]

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