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    • #147547
      VikingQueen
      Participant

      Hi everyone, I’m here at the suggestion of a therapist as she says I’m being gaslighted, so here goes…
      I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for a few years now, we were acquaintances before we got together for a couple of years and I was bowled over by his confidence and talent but even early on he became quite manipulative.
      I had been married before to a man who was definitely abusive, controlling and cruel, so I was a little bit worried that I was going into the same pattern.
      My partner has used very manipulative techniques such as calling me boring, a librarian and frigid, if I don’t initiate intimacy or he wants to go out and drink. Since lockdown his drinking has taken over and he’s now drinking every day. I’ve almost ended it a few times as when he drinks heavily or mixes drinks, he can change like a light switch to being argumentative and nasty. So I tiptoe round him when he gets drunk.
      He will pick a fight over something daft then accuse me of something ridiculous then if I disagree, I’m (detail removed by moderator) and it’s such an ugly trait. Then if I end up losing my temper because he won’t let me speak and he just repeats phrases over and over, he’ll just talk over me so I get absolutely up the wall, the instant I lose my temper he goes calm and quiet and says (detail removed by moderator) and saying I’m so angry as though I’m the bad person. It’s almost funny, I wish someone else could see this because I know it’s gaslighting, he switches to being really calm and I’m the n****r.
      He has a real laugh at women who fake they are being abused as a reason to break up with someone as he’s had that done to him apparently, and maybe there are people who make things up, but it means I feel trapped in this situation. He always says I need to work hard to reassure him that this is his home and I’m not going to throw him out. He says he’d (detail removed by moderator) etc if he felt secure but if I mention splitting up, he then makes me out to be this cold cruel person who holds all the power as the mortgage is in my name as he has poor credit.
      Am I projecting my first marriage into this or not?
      Thanks if you got as far as the end! ❤️

    • #147550
      Mellow
      Participant

      Had to reply as been through similar I also react and get the calm person back which is frustrating.i even recorded or once and showed a family member who stuck up for my ex as didn’t see it as abuse i later found out that is being furious like this is called reactive abuse it’s when we’ve put up with so much for so long we get very angry and then being calmer is a form of manipulation.also it sounds like someone has mentioned he was abusive as he wouldn’t made that comment .when I told mine he was abusive he started saying I’m a liar and I tell lies.and I should stop lying to people.he’s the liar he knows he’s abusive if he’s saying those things.i don’t believe anyone faked being abused to break up this is what mine said that I should have just broke up instead of saying I was abused.

    • #147551
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      I don’t think you’re projecting no, not at all. You list a lot of the common red flags in this relationship. It’s very common to be in multiple abusive relationships and abusers will use what we’ve told them about previous relationships against us. Mine was also a heavy drinker and I used to think the abuse was all down to that, but as people on hear point out he’s not going around calling people in the pub/street all those nasty names is he, nope probably quite the opposite, which means he’s choosing to abuse you. They also love to poke us until we snap then, like you describe, use our reaction against us. This chap has got you questioning yourself, including feeling like you can’t say anything or kick him out for fear of upsetting him. Sounds like abuse x

    • #147554
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Hmmm. Listen closely to what he says about his ex. History has a way of repeating itself with these men so I suspect you’re finding out first hand about the abuse that his ex really DID suffer, just as I did.

      If you haven’t had a Claire’s Law disclosure this might be a good next step for you to take.

      I’d also recommend researching the abuse cycle. Abusers aren’t horrible all the time. It goes round and round like a nightmare merry-go-round and leaves us seesawing between hope and despair, not wanting to walk away from the hope that there might be something that we can say or do or be that will mean that the nice them can be there all the time. The thing is, that nice part is an act that is unsustainable for them. It just gets wheeled out and paraded when necessary. In the love bombing phase it works overtime. Once we’re hooked or dependent on them in any way it gets to go part time, and then takes early retirement and just comes in to dig them out of the poop every so often. Eughhh!!

      The book Out of the FOG was a game changer for me. F is for Fear. O is Obligation, and G is guilt. These are the three main weapons in their emotional armoury, and they use these ruthlessly. Dr Ramani has some great YouTube videos that helped me understand what he did and why, and how it affected me the way it did. Knowledge really is power in these situations so it’s worth soaking up as much of it as you can.

      Take care Chicka- and play your cards close to your chest. If you find things out, do not discuss it with him. Treat the knowledge you glean like magic dust to save up. It will be the thing that carries you to safety (whether that’s emotional, psychological or physical safety- they’re all equally important).

      GR xx

    • #147559
      VikingQueen
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your replies, I can’t even tell you how much it helps to even talk about this stuff.

      He definitely uses my exes against me. My last partner I was with for  (detail removed by Moderator) months and he kept disappearing for days on end and taking off with my car, til eventually I broke up with him and asked him to move out. (detail removed by Moderator)  later he broke into my house while I was asleep upstairs and stole (detail removed by Moderator) , taking money out of my account. He told the police he was on drugs at the time. Absolutely terrifying. But my current partner (detail removed by Moderator). I have asked him so many times to stop as it’s a reminder of a not nice period that I’d rather forget. He then says I’m cold as I’ve already thrown one man out on the street, so I’d easily do it to him.
      Because of all this, he has already convinced me that I would not do that to him but he uses that episode of my life.

      This past week he has been trying to cut down on drinking and starting to get healthier as I was on the verge of ending things. He always instinctively knows when I’m at the end of my tether and he turns on the charm and says how much I mean to him and I’m the best girl in the world, I’m so kind and he adores me. It’s so hard to withstand it and I feel weak.

    • #147565
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Again another post that I could have written myself. I am in the same boat. Constantly driving myself mad wondering if it’s me that is the problem. Husband drinks too much of an evening. Is unpredictable. Doesn’t listen to me and talks over me. Then pushes every butten in a condescending way until
      I flip with anger as I am not being heard or being given a fair chance to put my point of view across. He then repeats the same words like you say again and again to prevent me from getting a word in. So rude and childish. I honestly think now he does this when he realises he is losing. If he can’t hear me he can’t be proven wrong.
      I then get the name calling and then told I am mentally ill.
      I am on my way out the door. Getting ducks in a row. It’s no way to live.

    • #147566
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Stuck and Viking Queen, you’re both living with the abuse cycle at the moment. It’s worth googling it and familiarising yourself with what each part or it looks like, the purpose it serves the abuser and how it affects us and our decision making. You may find that just that knowledge and understanding is surprisingly powerful x*x

    • #147581
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      As GR says you’re both living in the cycle. Start noting things down, keep a journal or just mark dates on a calendar and believe you’ll start to see a pattern. VQ you’ve already noticed he cuts the drinking down when you’re close to ending things – mine did this too, this is deliberate on his part and he’ll restart again whenever he wants and knows exactly when/how to kick off an argument. I’d also recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ as that really opened my eyes to everything else they do which is maybe less obvious.

    • #147672
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Yes the cycle is happening again. I finally passed my degree last week. After (removed by moderator) years of studying weekends as well as working full time and having children. It wasn’t acknowledged I went to bed in tears. Then a (removed by moderator) I am bought an expensive piece of jewellery so k start doubting myself. He does love me. He isn’t that bad. But he is.

      • #147676
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        This is tough right? I can relate mine doesnt even know i oassed he never asked so I never said lonley isnt it? I dont get gifts i just get niceness at times he pulls me in with kind words becuase im so desperate to hear them. Write things down read as much as you can KIP always says knowledge is power and she is so right. Arm yourself with knowledge wrap yourself up in support and reach out for help you cant do this alone xxxxx

    • #147677
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Yes bumblebee it is. No jewellery will
      Make up for the sad hurt I felt all week. I think it was only bought because he was embarrassed by other friends buying me gifts and cards. I would have ben happy with a chocolate bar and him telling me how proud he was. So I started to waiver feeling guilting for planning to leave. But I have to stick to my guns.

    • #147682
      VikingQueen
      Participant

      Ahh Stuck, I see you hun!!
      We’re on a health kick atm. He has been going on daily about how well he’s doing, and how he can see the weight loss already.
      I waited (removed by moderator) to weigh myself and I have lost (removed by moderator) pounds. I was so proud of myself. I told him and he said yeah, (removed by moderator).
      I was like, I’m praising him daily and here was a chance to say well done. And he just didn’t.

    • #147683
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      It’s so disheartening! So selfish

    • #147925
      Squiddles
      Participant

      I’m really sorry you are going through this. I don’t know if it’s of help but towards the end of my situation I managed to distance myself emotionally from my ex’s gas-lighting, etc., by naming the tactics in my head. It took me out of the immediate situation as he ranted away. I could think to myself; “that’s a projection”, “gas-light”, “table-turner”, “hoover-manoeuvre” and so on. It helped keep me calm whilst he took me apart, and I could stop myself being drawn in to what he was saying because I knew it was nonsense to get a rise out of me. Certainly doesn’t fix it (and still messed with my head) but it got me through whilst I was trapped with him. Good luck x

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