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    • #144809
      Littlepea
      Participant

      Ive been with my boyfriend for a few years now. There have been things along the way which have bothered me but I really need to ask about something specific that’s really on my mind.

      He wants sex a lot more than I do and it’s caused some problems in our relationship. But it started to be more what I felt was coercive. In the last few months there have been some times when we’ve been in bed and he’s started trying it on and I’ll say no or I’m not sure or try to like wriggle away but he pulls me back in. But I say it nicely not really firmly bevause i never wanted the disappointment or the resentment that would come from saying no really firmly and I kind of think I wanted the physical contact, I just didn’t want sex. I feel bad because I just don’t think I was clear enough even though he has to (detail removed by Moderator) and some times I’d fake it to get it over with quicker and sometimes I’d lie there just still and not making any noise or movement.

      I wanted him to understand I didn’t want to. If I said no he’d be like (detail removed by Moderator) and my brain couldn’t work fast enough to think of a good reason when he was right there almost doing it anyway. If he checked in and I said I wasn’t sure I wanted to he did it anyway. My brain just can’t keep up.

      Anyway I guess I’m here because it’s got to the point where I almost feel like I want it and I’m encouraging it. It’s like I think something bad happened but I don’t believe it and I blame myself for letting it happen and making him this person, he’d not physically force me I could stop him if I wanted to. And now i feel like I need it to keep happening to validate my feelings about it and make myself believe it. I’m just so confused and I wondered if I’m a bad person for encouraging this behaviour or if I’m totally alone in feeling this way.

      I feel like I think I’ve been coerced or worse but I can’t believe it. Sometimes I’ll say no and he’ll stop so maybe I’m making up the times he doesn’t? It’s just so much easier to have sex than to not and get the cold shoulder.

    • #144810
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      I totally feel what you are saying. My gut is telling me you haven’t made this up and that it is true. You shoudl never doubt your gut feeling.
      Consent is a huge issue that men need to be thought on, including my husband. It isn’t about actually saying no all the time. They just don’t get that.

      I’m so so sorry that you feel this way.

    • #144814
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      You’re not a bad person, you’re doing what’s in your power to keep the peace. However, that’s the problem and he’ll never stop pushing you to get what he wants. Like you, I ‘gave in’ when I didn’t want to because if I said no, the moods and the nastiness just wasn’t worth it. But sex should be something that is enjoyed by loving couples, in abusive relationships it’s a power/dominance tool – you’re mine, I’m entitled to it when I want it. If you try and instigate does he accept? Mine used to reject me if I tried to instigate. I think when we talk about consent, it very easily and rightly so starts moving into the more serious world of being forced/raped but these men are clever and more subtle method of coercion into consent makes this is/isn’t it Grey. The key questions are ‘are you willingly participating’, ‘are you enjoying it’ and ‘how do you feel afterwards’ – if you answer those negatively then it’s a red flag and you’d be wise to consider your future options x

      • #144815
        Littlepea
        Participant

        Yes if I instigate he always accepts. He always wants sex, he has said this himself. I’m not willingly participating and it upsets me that he doesn’t realise this given I’m not moving don’t say yes and say no and he has to keep saying (detail removed by Moderator).

      • #144833
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        I’m sorry to hear that, it’s horrible when you’re in that place, what advice would you be giving your friend or daughter? x

      • #144861
        Littlepea
        Participant

        I have to admit I’d be telling them to leave. I just feel so guilty, awful, and like it’s all my fault and I should be a better person / girlfriend.

    • #144871
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hey LittlePea, yes it’s the cycle of abuse you are in at the moment which is causing you to feel Guilt, Fear and Obligation (FOG cycle, worth googling)… you cannot do anything to make it right as your partner is abusive he will keep moving the goal posts and he knows exactlywhat he is doing to you.

      To say no to your boyfriend for sex is very normal as we do not all want sex at the same time. There’s pressure from society on women to justify their reasons for not wanting sex when in reality it is your body, your life and if you don’t want to have sex then your boyfriend shouldn’t be putting pressure on you and pestering you for sex. My husband used to wake me up in the morning by pressing into me, he was forever pushing me for sex no matter where we were until I said no more.

      You have nothing to do with the way he is or behaves, that is entirely on him, he is a grown adult who is responsible for himself and his own actions.

      Keep posting ❤️

    • #144873
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      @heretohelp and @bananaboat your posts are so helpful.


      @littlepea
      it is so hard. I know for me anyway I have always trusted what my husband said and what he said must be true and there was something wrong with me. Even still he has such power over me with the things that he says, so then I feel guilty, question myself, am I the one that is wrong! It certainly is like being in a fog.
      I’ve definitely learned more from recent campaigns about consent. which is embarrassing really at my age. But I always felt I needed to meet his expectations. That surely can’t be right. i’m starting to realise now that I do have a choice. So you absolutely do too.
      We should be able to say now and we shouldn’t have to say no more than once. There shouldn’t be persuading or coaxing or coercion involved.

      Take care of you.

    • #144888
      RedStrawberry
      Participant

      Hi littlepea i came to the conclusion after my ex left that he only ever gave me affection if he thought it would lead to sex. If he cuddled me in bed and it didn’t lead to sex he’d accuse me of leading him on. If I said I wasn’t in mood he’d sulk and make me feel guilty. If I wanted it most times he’d reject me or make it like he was doing me a favour then he’d struggle (I never made a deal of it) but he never had that problem if he’d initiated it. He threaten to go elsewhere if I wouldn’t have sex. Id do stuff I didn’t like to please him but it was never enough he just wanted more. Hed try to turn me on when I’d made it clear I was tired then go off in a mood. Hed then compare me to his previous exes and I was never good enough. And he wondered why I didn’t want it every day! I know I’d oblige just to keep the peace and sometimes enjoy it but other times feel so sad and used.

    • #145028
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Hi I also have struggled with confusion over what has been coercive ..I’m out now and divorcing but after a long marriage still struggle to see myex as abusive as it was my normal for decades to be worried about saying no to sex as he would storm out of the bedroom slam doors tell me I was not too tired for my hobbies or to read at bedtime pester me daily say it helped him sleep unwind wear me down until I gave in ..silent treatment I knew it was wrong when he then regularly asked me to forgive him then would want make up sex !told me I was incredibly selfish and he felt rejected yet mostly got his way used to wonder why I felt anxiety at bedtime I knew he would not physically hurt me but mentally yes as always felt so pressured I now know as a mature woman that a normal loving relationship should not feel like that.. I’m still having councilling to come to terms as it went on for so long there should be no coersion no means no ! Hard to love someone who makes you feel like that my ex still does not understand that ..

      • #145038
        searchingforhope
        Participant

        @jediwarrior you have just written about exactly how things were for me. Still having trouble drawing a line. But all you wrote could have been me writing that.
        It was my normal for so long. Took all he said as true and correct and I was the one wrong and I was the one neglecting him and putting everything else first. Maybe I actually was though, but then nothing he did ever put me first either. But if I say that to him I feel I’m being childish and very t*t for tat!
        it’s so hard to navigate this and figure things out.
        I’ve spoken to a life coach recently and she has pointed out that sometimes naming something comes with a pressure, like coercion or abuse, but I know how I felt, I know how it made me feel, does the name on that really matter, if I know how I felt. I have found that helpful, as recognising my emotions and needs is something I have realised I really struggle with.
        Hope you are all having a good day xx

    • #145039
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Yes searching for hope exactly realising how it makes us feel and its wrong and its all about consent should be given freely not under pressure I have spoken to many councillors as could not process my thoughts and they all concluded that a long pattern of behaviour becomes coercive abusive which is hard to process when it was our normal take care..

    • #145688
      Littlepea
      Participant

      Thank you everyone for your replies ❤️ they have been so helpful. @RedStrawberry and @jediwarrior that all sounds so familiar – he says the same to me if I’m too tired for sex I shouldn’t be reading or on my phone either I should be straight to sleep. Last night we had sex for the first time in a week and today his mood is insanely different, this has happened before, we will have sex and he’s almost hyper with how much of a good mood he’s in the next day. Compared with last week when he was more moody and quiet.

      I feel almost like I’ve been trained? I don’t have the ability to decide if I really want sex any more because it’s not a straightforward decision.

    • #145723
      RedStrawberry
      Participant

      Littlepea my ex was the same when we’d had sex (especially if it was something he really liked) he’d almost become obsessed and want it again the next night and on the rare occasion it did happen 2 nights in a row he couldn’t stop talking about it and what he wanted to do to me next (I dunno if he thought this was a turn on or what but I found it really off putting) and then the cycle would begin again. I don’t know he if thought “he’d won” cos I given in to his demands and he’d got what he wanted

    • #145767
      Gerbil
      Participant

      Dear Little Pea
      I hope that you are ok. I agree with all the other comments that you should definitely be allowed to say no. You are definitely not a bad person and have not encouraged him.
      Although I may not be the best person to give advice as at the weekend I was pressurised into having sex. I was told he would use prostitutes and then started to get angry. I did not want to wake up the kids. I presume this is also coercion but I am far better at understanding other people’s relationships and problems than my own
      Take care x

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