So confusing

[Duck]

Hi,
I’m feeling so confused and struggling to make sense of my life at the moment. Last week I walked out on boyfriend, who I have lived with for a couple of years. Our arguments had escalated in intensity over the time we were together and become more or less happening weekly. When we met we fell very much in love and spent so much time together, which was all very well until we had disagreements (often about his lack of effort in spending time with me or helping around the house). At first I would cry and give in, as I couldn’t face arguments, and he would often laugh or be uncaring to my tears. Gradually I learnt to stand up for myself and as I did the arguments became more aggressive. Things in the house got damaged, then he started to take my possessions or throw them across the room. Whenever we argued, I would try to leave to get space, but he would follow and keep on at me. We would try to make up afterwards and the love would often cover up the damage. The arguments were horrible, but we recognised them as a problem and hoped to get past them. Eventually the arguments meant that I got hurt, pushed around or things thrown at me. If I pushed back or got angry, I felt like I was just as bad. I was no angel and would shout and scream my head off, and ignore him completely when he lost his temper, but I was often faced with mocking voices, laughing in my face etc. Sometimes he would take my phone, so I couldn’t contact anyone, or my keys so I wouldn’t leave the house. I had something thrown at me that shattered and left cuts over my skin and eventually he tried taking something from me which I wouldn’t let go of and the tug of war broke one of my bones. He was adamant I was the one with an anger issue.
As I write this I’m horrified. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and yet I lived it. Last week I packed my bags and walked out, I cried my eyes out, I admitted the truth to my friends and yet I couldn’t stop loving him. When things were good between us, they were amazing. I met him last week to talk about how we feel and we agreed that we love each other so much that we had to try again. We met again, meeting in neutral places near our shared home, and then were supposed to spend today together, but in order to see me he had to drive to where I’m staying, so he phoned me up to complain that he had to go out of his way. I was shocked that he was complaining about the effort and when we finally met we had another argument. I told him truthfully how I felt, but he still saw it as me ‘lashing out’. Even after I left, he still phoned and phoned me, despite me asking to be alone. I finally said, again, that I couldn’t be with him and he seems to have got the message for now. He’s a lovely wonderful person, when he’s happy, and a monster when he’s not.
It drives me crazy because I love him so much and yet I can’t do this anymore and I’m scared I’ll go back to him. I’m out of the house we share, but we will see each other through work so it is hard to make a clean break. Since I left last week, I’ve felt more empowered and strong, but I know it’s only a matter of time before he tries to contact me again.
I know I’m the one who needs to do this for myself.

[Falling Skys]

Hi Duck

Well done for realising what you were in was wrong and getting out. I was scared not to love my abuser, its going to be hard if you have to see him through work if possible try not to be on your own with him.

Sometime reading what you posted gives realisation to what we have been through.

Its a great site for support so please keep posting, the longer your away from his control the stronger you will become.

From someone that gave her abuser too many chances and too many years. Good luck.

FS xx

[Duck]

Thank you, Falling Skys.
I feel so angry, cheated, lost and heartbroken all at the same time 🙁

[Lisa]

Hi Duck,

Well done for being so brave and walking away. It sounds like your relationship was getting more and more abusive and you have realised the extent of just how toxic it was.

I understand your temptation to go back and that you both still love each other. At the end of the day if you feel like you want to give the relationship another go then we will all be here to support you no matter what you decide. However, please just think about the fact that you can not change your partner, no matter how much you want to or try. Your partner wants to be abusive (even if he doesn’t know it) and if you go back to him then you need to prepare yourself that he will eventually return to behaving exactly as he did before even if he promises he won’t initially. I don’t want to be negative but I think you should prepare yourself emotionally for this. If you feel like you want to try one more time, I completely understand this and ask that you please continue to use this forum and talk about how you feel. Perhaps if you are having doubts about his recent behaviour when you last met then you could tell him that you want to take it slow with him and you could use this as a way of giving yourself some time and space and see how he behaves.

Either way, well done for being honest about how you are feeling. We are here for you and respect your decisions.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Duck]

Hi Lisa,
Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve known for a while that I shouldn’t be so stupid as to get back with him and I need to try my best to stay strong to it. I’ve tried to break up with him almost every time we’ve argued for almost 6 months, because it makes me so unhappy, but he’s always drawn me back by being loving, caring and making promises. Is this what abusive men are like? They draw you in with false promises? When we first met he was so attentive and almost seemed to worship me, he told me what a domestic god and romantic man he was. After I moved in, the attention and fuss were only at particular times that he wasn’t distracted by whatever he wanted to do. I discovered he was lazy, didn’t do much around the house and didn’t even clean himself. He is addicted to his computer and talking to people online, so when I felt upset about not getting his attention, he would get annoyed and we would argue.
I know I need to take control and not get sucked in.
D x

[Duck]

I’m really struggling at the moment as my now ‘ex’ keeps trying to contact me. He is desperately trying to charm me and win me over. Even when I tell him there is no hope of us getting back together, he says there is always hope! I feel sorry for him and don’t want to hurt him, no matter how much he has hurt me. I keep asking him to give me space and let me breath, but he can’t seem to do it. It’s like he is trying to control me still.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Duck,

Yes your gut is right, he still wants to maintain his control over you. Can you go No Contact with him. If he was blocked from gaining access to you, he wouldn’t be able to ‘charm’ you into going back into the abusive relationship again. Google the No Contact Rules.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘Why does he do that?, Getting inside the minds of angry and controlling men’. Reading that book will strengthen you also.

Keep reading the other ladies posts and other poster’s responses on here to gain strength and process your feelings of loss of the relationship.

Google the ‘Power and Control’ wheel and the ‘Cycle of Abuse.’ You will see your abuser boyfriend’s tactics of trying to not lose his victim (unfortunately you). Knowledge is Power.

Well done for leaving him. We will help you stay away. Keep posting.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Please don’t go back to him , u can’t have a realtionship with a got who behaves like that , I used to say my ex was best when he was sober , but when he was monster which was in
The end daily he ripped me apart , even though u think
U love him u can’t be with a person like that , try to block him , ignore the sweet talking is all temporary act

[Author]

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