So curious about counselling.

[Numbnumb]

Out months now . I feel pretty good . I booked counselling , appointment is tomorrow morning,but I’m so close to cancelling. What is it?how will it help me?I have felt good all of this month so far ,although I did have an inexplicable bad day at the end of January where I cried all day. I have a few things that bother me like going to pieces and rushing kids out of the door when he picks them up even though I don’t /won’t see him, I Just want his presence gone as soon as possible because it hurts. I cant really afford it but ladies on here often advise counselling. I’m so curious . What do I talk about when I’m feeling strong .

[Hawthorn]

Hi Numbnumb,

I’ve been out for months too and have had weekly counselling for much of that time. My counsellor is experienced in trauma and domestic abuse. The first session will likely be a getting to know each other kind of chat. The counsellor will likely explain their approach and you can get both get a feel for whether you are a good match. Just as not everyone you meet will be your friend, not every counsellor you will meet will be the right fit for you. Its important that you feel secure and that you can communicate freely with your counsellor. If you are not a good match it is likely the counsellor, rather than the counsellING that is the problem.

Living in an abusive relationship is an inherently traumatic experience. Our inner voice and intuition is silenced and we are brainwashed into putting the abusers wants and needs above our own. We have often behaved in ways we may feel ashamed of and there is often significant anger(both at the abuser and ourselves) and grief (the loss of time, loss of a relationship you hoped better for etc) to be processed. At it’s best, counselling provides dedicated time in the week for us to supported through processing this shame, anger and loss and gives us the tools to re-discover our inner selves.

I’ve found it really beneficial but this is your life now to decide what you want to do, and when you want to do it. Maybe try a couple of sessions, if it’s not for you now, then it’s not. No harm done. You can always try again at another time.

I will say that trauma is like a ripple in carpet of our lives, we can push it down and away but it will just pop up somewhere else until its dealt with. It’s great you’re feeling strong, you are strong! Do what feels right for you xx

[KIP.]

Talk about why you go to pieces and what you can do to help this. Talk about why you cried all day. Get to know coping mechanisms. Talk to your GP and see if there’s any free counselling or any charity that offers some free x I’d definitely go and try it x

[Numbnumb]

Thanks , I was probably fishing to read your wise words and help me clarify what I know deep down, that I need to try , it was traumatic especially last few years. Only just last week or two I have ruminated Much less , visions of hell getting hazier in my mind but I have probably just trod down the ripple in the carpet :). Il do it at least twice. Thankyou.

[Hawthorn]

Time spent focusing on yourself is time well spent and you deserve it. Be proud of yourself and good luck tomorrow xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Just wanted to add a little bit about counseling. I went for about a year after my relationship. My best advice is to find a counselor that fit. It’s ok to interview the therapist before the session. Ask about their philosophy, experience and area of expertise. What I found was that most therapists don’t know or have experience treating abuse survivors. It’s really important that they do. Otherwise, the chance of having “ineffective” counseling is very high and can discourage you from future therapy.
But I would say effective therapy is one of the best way to jumpstart healing.

[Diverdi]

Counselling it very individual. I was fortunate to get 12 free sessions quite soon after leaving. However it didn’t really work for me. Counsellor was specifically for DA but ‘person centred’ and didn’t prompt as she didn’t want to make any client feel pressured. However I was like a ‘rabbit in the headlights’and could have done with someone who asked more questions and ‘gave me permission’ as such to speak about myself.
I think like a lot of these things you need to ‘click’ and what’s great for one person doesn’t suit another.
I’ve not been put off and will look into trying again, but probably when life is a little more back to normal.

[Numbnumb]

I did the first one. I was awkward lots of silent moments. I thought the horrible memories had not been rolling around my head for a couple weeks so what was I doing there. Since the call things are back in my head ,awoken , which strangely I feel was a good thing. Came off wondering if counselling is for me but I noticed I did feel a little “lighter”. The next morning and I feel I can’t wait for the next , I do have things I want to say.

[Hawthorn]

Well done you NumbNumb,

That’s a big step and how you describe feeling afterwards is really positive. The reality is these things are swirling about there anyway and counselling just helps to shine a light on them. Silences during a session are normal, you will be processing then too though as you’ve found, much of the stuff crops up between sessions. This is where journaling can be really helpful to get some of those memories or insights out of out head and onto paper. You dont need to re-read your entries, in fact it often better if you dont, and if very upsetting stuff comes up burning the pages is very cathartic.
Here’s to you feeling lighter and moving forward on your journey from surviving to thriving!x*x

[Author]

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