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Hi
so I’ve posted on here before and in brief I have a young child with my ex who mainly runs on emotional abuse. I have two older children who are not his.
I find it’s so frustrating that to me it’s obvious and with a lot of research and advice it’s as clear as day what his games are but the thought that others won’t see what I do or get it. Especially official people such as a Judge.His games can be subtle and most of the time they are either down right arrogant and disregarding or he will act as if he is doing something nice yet the motive is not. For example he will text to check on our baby when it’s a day that is important to me yet I will literally not hear from him any other time.
He will pay maintenance to look good and he likes to make me feel I need him after he convinced me to give up a successful business I had. Apparently he felt like he wasn’t the provider. Leaving me to be on benefits and now he has a job.
I would rather have my baby than the money but my point is that it’s not him paying put of decency.
I feel like I’m arguing in my head all the time. Like when you have to have it out with someone and you play it out before hand.
In one sense it helps me because when I think it all over, I realise how much he plays games yet it also drives me mad constantly thinking about it all.
No matter how many people tell me that I won’t be without my baby. I still panic at the thought of it.
He hasn’t shown any real interest unless I cut him off and don’t react and then that’s when he uses our baby as the reason for contact.
The best interest of the child is not at all how I feel things are. I am slated by people for cutting contact with him yet I’m protecting my baby and other children from emotional abuse. It’s hard to fight your corner in these situation as I feel like I have to be a lioness for my cubs yet I read things about Fathers rights and fear that it won’t be seen that way. The words “alienating the Father” actually aggravate me so much. It’s clearly used by every abuser out there.
Yet if I was to openly allow my children access to abusers then I could risk being told I’m not protecting them.Many years ago. I was with a violent abuser and he has never seen my Son. I was told by social services that if he was anywhere near us that is lose my children and quite rightly. Yet today we can’t just do that as the Father has rights no matter what he is like.
It doesn’t make any sense to me. I can only hope that one day the Family court take a wider view on things and do actually make it solely about the child. No child needs an abusive parent. What good can come of that. They don’t have a say in it and that feels so unfair. I hate the thought of my baby being subjected to it and to even believe that it’s normal. -
only in the context of the family court this is expected – ss say protect so to the dv police. the family law currently says the father has rights not matter what if hes been abusive towards you only (i dont mean only though)so heres the loops holes – your expected to be reasonable about contact and communication this is also to be able to get legal aid. its all about this being reasonable. so within this situation it is fact that if the kids are there when he is abusive towards you in any way (including emotionally) then this is child abuse. this is your get out clause because you can say i am being reasonable in that i am taking myself out of the equation. i will give him the chance to have contact with the child but for the sake of the child it has to be supervised and hand over or contact has to be in a contact centre. you are offering contact in a safe environment – it would be irresponsible really of an authority to issue unsafe contact. children can be harmed greatly in this situation over time. obviously you need to show his patterns of behaviour and name them back it up all of this stuff is evidenced by psychologists etc – it is you and your childs right to have safe contact dont be scared to ask for it xxxx love diymum
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There’s so much new research and even laws on coercive control. You can find the research online and judges are now being trained on coercive control. The things you write about are glaringly obvious to me. If you have a solicitor id ask her to put together the new research along with your experience. So that the Judge can clearly see the connection and danger. Remember to keep a detailed journal and update your GP of any anxiety this is causing you. I suffered from intrusive thoughts for a long time. It’s your brain processing events. I used an elastic band on my wrist to ping when I wanted to distract myself and also discovered mindfulness. It’s a mental distraction. Takes practice but a quick solution I like is to look left and find an object and note the colour. So a red kettle. Then look right and find a different object different colour. Keep going from red kettle to white paper. Or whatever you see. The other one is to concentrate on your breathing while counting in and out. Or ground yourself by thinking about what you see, feel, taste, hear and smell. Go through the list slowly, taking in each sense x
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Thank you KIP and DIYMUM for your advice it’s been really good to hear. When you said about intrusive thoughts it reminded me of the relationship. I’ve always suffered this when I’m lied to. It’s a massive trigger for me and being an Empath as I’m told, it makes me all over the place when I’m lied to. He was a pathological liar and it made me obsessed with his lies, it was constant. I could get his past out of my head as it was always something new I’d find out and it wasn’t great and I’d go over and over it and he then blamed me for bringing it up. He promised no more lies and then another would come up. It was on going to extremes. This is what broke me down and was easy to use to make me look unreasonable as people who say its his past. Yeah a past that I knew nothing about xx
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Yep. Check out reality testing. A health professional made this observation. I was constantly he king with people if this was right or that was right. I was gaslighted so much I lost touch with reality. My ex told me he had conjugal rights in law amongst other things. Why would he lie? He’s my husband and life partner. It just didn’t compute x
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It is insane KIP
The amount of lies he told were unreal. He was a serial cheat in the past and tried to make the most ridiculous of excuses about it all and as I’m not an idiot, I would tell him I’d didn’t add up and at times get quite angry that he thought I was that stupid and then yet again I’m the abuser.
When he knew I’d sussed him, he played the card that he needed me to help him change. More lies.
The good part is, I list feelings for him long before we broke up and in fact he made me cringe but when I had my baby and have my business up. I panicked and thought I wanted him to stay, this made me revel in my upset and when I wouldn’t react to his threats of leaving. He wouldn’t go anywhere.
Before I become pregnant, I was confident and told him I didn’t want to carry on our relationship and he would be and cry but the moment I fell pregnant by his lies of tell g me he could gave children, he become arrogant and would make me feel like the one being cast aside.My baby is a miracle after losing other babies and I would never want to change what happened as it all meant that I became a Mummy again. I would howere love if he would just disapear and me and the children could just be relaxed and happy. The t xx
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