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Over 2 years now, really struggling. Hating what he has done to me, that he’s still playing the victim, that people believe his lies and not my truth. I’m still to scared to go certain places in case of bumping into him or his flying monkeys, still anxious. Nowhere near ready for a new relationship…but also lonely. I have good friends, family, work…..but still I feel in pieces some days over what has happened. 2 years – surely I should be over this by now?
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This seems to be the question of the week doesn’t it…I wish I knew. I’m also out over two years nearly three now and still recovering. So I can’t answer you. I can only tell you that forcing it forward doesn’t help (I’ve tried), it only serves to crash into the next tree. it’s best to accept what you are feeling and dealing with anxiety for example by being kind to yourself and breathing in and out, doing the best with what you have, being grateful for what you’ve been able to accomplish, (in your case a lot!i.e. family, friends, work).
I know the truth comes out, one day, always does and always will. He will be playing the victim for the remained of his life, that’s the role he plays. But you know the truth and sometimes it takes time for everyone to see it but everyone eventually will. You just keep believing that. And continue to be kind to yourself because you deserve it 💖-
No doubt your family and friends will have thought your ex was a great guy. How do you explain the drip drip of abuse? Hardly anyone really gets it. Even now I’ve only discussed it with one person (and now on this forum.) I felt lonely too as, despite good friends, I internalised the hurt.
I found that a real block to recovery from controlling abuse was that I didn’t know it had a name. It took a few years before I could verbalise my experience.
I also spent a great deal of time worrying about the badmouthing, the truth twisting, the great guy image, the nasty not-friends, the new girlfriends.
It was so exhausting but completely pointless. I think we have to stop caring about this stuff before we can start to recover. It’s not easy and bad thoughts do sneak in sometimes (even after 9 years).
Be kind to yourself. You’ve been so strong. If you have to think about him at all, remember that everyone ends up with the friends they deserve.
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What HopeLifeJoy said.
It’s very dependent upon how quickly all contact with him stops and how soon you can get support and therapy and very much on the quality of tye yerapy.
Also, he is a threat, so is normal to feel that yeat to you. Your life experience is being falsely presented around you because of his denijs and lies to others; all this is continuing abuse to you and the sooner that isnt around you the sooner you can start to heal.
He will not stop, you have learnt this, only you cn make your life better for you and take all/any steps to have safe distance from it all with lots of support to move on from it.
Warmest wishes
TS
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I think we need to work on recovery every day. I practice mindfulness, I have therapy, I’m developing new interests. In some ways we don’t recover we just learn to live with the damage and manage it. Zero contact and time are the best healers and 2 years can be a drop in the ocean. It took me 2 years of zero contact just to convince myself he couldn’t persuade me to go back to him. Then 5 years to convince myself he wasn’t going to come back and finish me off. Keep going x
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Thank you all, it’s so helpful to hear how others are doing. I just wish I could stop feeling scared when I’m not even exactly sure what it is I’m scared of and like I have to hide all the time. I know deep down the answer is time, I just feel like other people must think I should be over it by now. I had been no contact which helped to some extent, but due to issues with children I have had to communicate by email which has caused me a lot of upset. Living in the same town is so hard, mutual friends who took sides, but I want to stay in my town – I don’t want to move and have that be yet another thing he’s taken away from me.
I guess I’ll get there eventually, to the point I can laugh in his face. In the meantime patience, time and healing x -
I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels scared. Just had report for SS which says I’m a bit nutty but a good Mum. It also says what he did to me and I’m scared of seeing him tomorrow for handover, as he’s built a new life where he is perfect and I am a pariah.
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You’re not nutty your traumatised by his abusive behaviour. Try to arrange a third party for handover. Or if the kids are older, stay out the way in the distance and don’t go near him or speak to him. A police station with CCTV is an option but better that someone else does the handover drop off x if you do have to be near him. Record the conversation on your phone x
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Your recovery will not start until you feel safe. Noone deserves to b made a refugee nd driven from their family home, but if you cannot be protected from it (no contact atall/coming into third party abuse from his ‘friends’ – people he manipulates and lies to) it might not be best to stay nearby.
I don’t blame you not wanting to become refugee from your own home and local area, but it is worth considering the potential contininung harm this is causing you and your children.
It often takes a long time to get out of abuse, stay out of abuse, and often years to distancefem worsening post-separation abuse, as women’s characters are ripped to shreds around them an targetted for further hate and harm. Itcan take a long time to realise the abuse is jut continuing and spreading and still causing significant harm.
All your decisions to take at your pace.
Warmest wishes
TS
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