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    • #90166
      FruitLoops
      Participant

      Hello ladies,

      I left. I went to work with my belongings and my childrens belongings in my car boot and I didnt come back after work, just collected my children and went to a friends. I was ok for 24 hours, now the panic has set in. Because: 1) I’m scared I’ll lose my children to their dad (the man I’ve left now is not their dad) who will doubt my ability and capacity to care for his children maybe when he learns about all of this.

      2) I’m scared the man I left (my boyfriend) will do something silly to himself

      3) I’m scared he will ruin my life or try to hurt me

      The kids now need to move schools again as I only moved to the area this year to be with him, I’m absolutely terrified I’ve made a mistake and heartbroken. But I just cannot handle he 50% of him that emotionally abused me and made me feel so low and worthless. Right now I keep thinking of all the lovely things he says when he is nice to me and I’m struggling. I know he will be broken and I feel maybe he is right, it is me, i am crazy and it’s my fault. No wonder my ex left me and another cheated on me.

      I do have anxiety and depression and I am high maintenance emotionally i know this. Maybe it is me?

      I’m so scared of SS and the police getting involved and losing my children. They are my whole world.

      Feeling so sad, scared and lost.

      X*x

    • #90168
      KIP.
      Participant

      The only reason the man you left will be upset is because he has lost his verbal punch bag. Abusers need someone to abuse to make them feel good about themselves, that’s why he will be upset. Don’t worry about ss and the police. Everything you are doing is to protect your children. No one can hold that against you. The kids dad can’t hold anything against you when you’re clearly putting the kids first. Any court will see you recognised you were in an abusive relationship and protected your children. Do you have support from women’s aid? It’s important to get a good support network around you. They can help with housing, can signpost you to other organisations. You’re still traumatised so you won’t be thinking clearly at the moment. Zero contact with your abuser is what’s needed now. Total zero contact. Block his number. Get a third party to act on your behalf if you need anything from him. It’s a very confusing time but you’re doing the right thing. Try ringing the helpline on her for a chat. The ladies are great x keep going. Baby steps x

    • #90169
      Hetty
      Participant

      Hi fruit loops,
      First of all you’ve done amazingly well for getting you and your children out of the abuse. You’ve already demonstrated you’re a strong, resilient, resourceful mother.
      I understand your concerns re the children’s father. I’m in a similar situation but I know he’s never get custody anyway because he has massive problems of his own.
      Does finding yourself in an abusive relationship make you a bad mother? No. It can happen to anyone. Would it surprise you to know if you knew my career you may think it would never happen to me but it did. It can happen to any one of us. Does prioritising their safety and moving out make you a bad mother? No. You’ve done what any professional working with kids would advise.
      If you want to private message me to chat a bit more you can.
      This is the most confusing time and you’re vulnerable. You can do this one day at a time. Don’t berate yourself for trusting this man and wanting a better life for your kids. You’ve just got to take some time to plan.

      • #90185
        FruitLoops
        Participant

        Thankyou KIP.

        I hope my ex will see it that way, I worried to death if I block his number that will enrage him further than me leaving, and he will wage a war against me by messaging my ex and his family to make out I’m some evil unstable woman.

        On top of this I am worried to bits over his wellbeing and whether or not his silence the last few days is indicating he has hurt himself or done something stupid. I would feel so terrible if he has… he would be telling everyone now that I am crazy and evil I’m sure anyway, all his family. Who will undoubtedly believe him even though they all know what he is like and think he Is an a******e (sorry those were his actual own mothers words to me before)

        Has anyone who has left felt so lost and scared out of their mind like this? X*x

      • #90186
        FruitLoops
        Participant

        Oops meant to post first reply on KIPs comment!!

        Anyway; Hetty, it sounds as though your at similar stage to me. I also work in a professional role and deal with safeguarding at times myself and all of this terrifies me even more because of it. I consider myself intelligent and with common sense, yet in abusive situations common sense isn’t always as strong as it should be I’ve found, gaslighting and coercive control have left me doubting all my thoughts and reasoning. I feel like it’s me who is abusive,(as he told me many times) and me who is at fault for this.

        FL xx

    • #90187
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes, the Fear is not knowing what he’s upto, at least when we are with them, we have some sort of idea what’s coming. A kind of perceived control. We feel very vulnerable to begin with. There’s no negotiating with him. You can’t control what he says to others. Just stick to zero contact. You can’t expect other to understand why you’re still in touch when you’re being abused. You’re the one who left so I don’t see how he can say you’re evil and unstable. You’re leaving him and he won’t like that x

    • #90193
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi FL,

      Can I just say I think you’re amazing. I really wished I could have done what you did with my children in tow. It took me a long, long time to leave and each day I stayed was another day for my children and I to suffer his cruel crazy-making behavior. You have done the right thing. Yes he’ll be enraged he’s lost his emotional punchbag that he put time and energy into so you would be so trapped by the various constraints such as money, housing and fear of what he may do. But you’ve broke free; well done; I know how hard that is but we have to get ourselves off the cycle of abuse to make it stop.

      Now to stay free. 1) As Kip says strict no contact. Aim to never set eyes on him or his words and aim to not hear anything coming out of his mouth. This way you’ll get stronger to deal with getting a roof over your heads that doesn’t involve him.

      We all had to go through the Smear Campaign where they bad-mouthed us to their family and friends. If you maintain No Contact with him at least you won’t be aware of this. This will die down when he gets his next victim which if he sees you’re serious about not coming back he’ll put his energy into procuring a new one.

      If he hurts, mains or kills himself you are 100% not responsible for this even if he leaves a note saying you are. If you do feel so guilty if he does you can get support from WA and thrash your feelings on here with us until you accept that it was not your fault and you’re powerless over other people’s choices. My daughter’s boyfriend threatened the same when she tried to leave and he’s fine and never attempted suicide as he had threatened.

      Just take it One Day at a Time and keep posting. And ring WA to help you with your fears of him taking your children off you.

    • #90198
      Hetty
      Participant

      Id say most are too busy moving on and licking their wounds to contemplate suicide. They make on they need us, are vulnerable etc but that’s just a way to keep their kind and loving partners trapped and feeling responsible.
      Little did I know when my partner’s last gf was in the process of leaving he was busy sinking his claws into me and I was ripe for the picking: strong, independent, self sufficient woman.
      Gaslighting is so powerful. He uses my words and statements about him to turn them on me. He threatens me with the police and social services but I don’t think he’d really dare as they’d see straight through him and then his mask would be off.

    • #90201
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      OMG Fruitloops you are amazing. I am struggling with how to leave and the fear that goes with it and my children are grown up. The women on here are wonderful and will support you to do what you need to do. Stay strong and know that you are doing the best thing for your children and yourself. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think x*x

    • #90212
      FruitLoops
      Participant

      I dont feel amazing, at all. But thankyou so so much for your kind words. Hes messaged since my post and I dont know what to say but I do know I dont want to reply. He cannot truly understand what he has done wrong and why I’ve left.

      I’m going to speak with WA/local surestart about support so I know it will be a safeguarding, which scares me!!! But I need to do it as I have no where to live and will be sofa surfing for a while with all my wonderful friends. X*x

    • #90226
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please don’t reply. Don’t open up that route for him and for others to judge why you’re communicating with someone who abused you. Not everyone will understand, not everyone has been through what we have and if you need help from police and other services then please don’t open dialogue. Change your number and if you can keep his messages as no doubt they will get more and more angry as he tries to regain control. Safeguarding isn’t a bad thing. A police marker on the place you’re staying, priority housing as a victim of domestic abuse. Don’t let contact muddy the waters with the help available. It might nit even come to safeguarding if you’re seen to be in control and keeping you and the kids safe. You’ve taken a huge step. Keep going. You owe him nothing x

      • #90234
        FruitLoops
        Participant

        Thankyou again KIP. You’re right and you’ve helped clarify my feelings as to the approach I am going to take. Does reporting it to the police mean he will be prosecuted though? Do I need to press charges? I don’t want that I dont think. His life is sad enough, but maybe claire’s law? X*x

    • #90235
      KIP.
      Participant

      He will only be prosecuted if there is enough evidence which you won’t really know till you speak to the police. If he leaves you alone then you won’t need to involve them unless you really want to make a statement so it’s on record. Using Claire’s Law is a good idea but many women on here have been denied the information by the police on the basis that they’re no longer in the relationship. Don’t feel sorry for him. He’s not the homeless one trying to rebuild his life. He will use your pity against you. Save your emotions for you and your children. If he persists in trying to contact you. One message saying not to continue to contact you or you will consider it harrassment and will contact the police. Just that one message then don’t respond back or the police will just see it as an argument. Most times the police will become involved because these men just don’t take no for an answer. Don’t be afraid to involve the police. They are there to help you and keep you safe x you cannot handle an abuser on your own so please dont try x

    • #90238
      Yellowflower
      Participant

      Please don’t worry about him. My abuser constantly told me he would kill himself or really struggle mentally if I was to leave. I left and the first thing he did was to go out on the pull and sign himself up to loads of dating sites. These men are all the same don’t be fooled hunni. You’ve come so far already your incredibly brave and I promise the pain does fade x*x

    • #90239
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yep, mine was busy telling me he wouldn’t want to live without me while busily having an affair behind my back. At least one I know of but I have my suspicions around three or four. Don’t waste your energy on him, you will need it for you and your future x

    • #90411
      Eunice Annie
      Participant

      Well done you. You are strong and doing what’s best for your kids. They are lucky kids to have a strong mama like you.

      You aren’t responsible for him. Just yours& the kids. Don’t contact him. He will pipe down & start looking for someone else to feed off.

      • #90613
        FruitLoops
        Participant

        Thankyou Eunice Annie.

        It really means a lot to have you lovely ladies on here. X*x

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