So many emotions

[SunshineAngel]

I am packing my things to move to a new house. I am really looking forward to a fresh start, to leave some of the pain behind and work on my future. Packing is really emotionally draining. I have to go through all of our things. All of his things are still in the house. I have to sort old love letters, memories of trips we went to, touch all his clothes. I can’t wait to be out and to not have to do this anymore. At the same time I am really nervous about leaving it all behind, not having anything to remind me of him anymore. It’s crazy! I should be happy to be rid of him, but I’m also so sad and I still miss him.
Going through all the corners of the house I found out that he was secretly drinking! It must have been quite heavy drinking, too, I found empty vodka bottles hidden. All this while he was telling me that he wasn’t drinking at all, because of his health. In the beginning of our relationship he was drinking quite a lot, and I didn’t really like it. Especially as he made me drink much more than I liked as well, by always pouring me another glass of wine, ignoring my saying that I didn’t want any or arguing that he didn’t want to drink alone and sulking. Then there was an incident where he ended up in hospital and told me that the doctors said he couldn’t drink anymore. He blamed me for it because of all the stress I put him through. He said that now he can’t even enjoy a glass of wine anymore or a cold beer on a hot summer’s day and how his life was so miserable because of it. I felt so sorry for him! And now I find out that he has been drinking all this time, behind my back. I had a feeling sometimes. It was very confusing because I thought he was acting as if he was drunk, but it couldn’t be because he wasn’t allowed to and I trusted him completely.
I feel so strange, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. It’s like I go through a million feelings a minute, they are just racing along. I don’t know how I can try to feel better and heal when my feelings are so crazy all of the time. I think that our life was such a lie, it’s so difficult to understand. Sometimes I feel relieved that I found out and got away before we got married and had children but then I also miss him so much and feel really lonely.
I’ve been doing so well the last weeks and managed to sort everything out and my friends tell me I should be proud and have been strong. But I always feel so desperate and worried that I won’t be able to do things without him. It’s very confusing.
Thanks for reading this, I hope writing it all down will help me understand.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi SunshineAngel,

Finding those vodka bottles must have felt so disorientating. It sounds like he has been gaslighting you for a long time – how confusing to think he was acting drunk but telling yourself you must be wrong, when in fact you were right all along. my ex used to gaslight me a lot too and I know what a terrible, sickening awful feeling it is when you realise you and your gut were right all along and that this man who you cared for, loved and trusted completely was lying so convincingly to your face, saying you were imagining things etc. It is devastating and very disorientating, like you are living in a parallel universe where everything is wrong.

It is really common to miss them and feel sad, after all we developed strong feelings for them, loved and cared for them despite everything (usually we blamed ourselves and didn’t realise it was abuse). We have to mourn the loss of the man we thought we had and grieve the loss of the relationship, future and dreams we thought we had with him. It is very painful but it definitely gets easier with time and healing.

Books have helped me a lot, such as Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and Psychopath Free. There are others too on healing from trauma such as The Body Keeps the Score which could help. Well done for tackling such a difficult task, maybe plan a reward for yourself for after as it will be very draining having to go through his things like that.

[SunshineAngel]

The roller coaster continues. I have moved into my new house and it is so nice. I already feel a thousand times better being there that I used to in the old flat. I loved waking up to the snow after my first night there and I went on a lovely walk around town and enjoyed just being by myself and at peace.
I also just found out that he has tricked me into being responsible for paying some bills without telling me anything. I am really worried now about what else he might have done to get me trouble. I had horrible nightmares about it last night. Have been trying to get through to citizen’s advice all morning. I hate that I still have to fight for my peace and freedom all the time. I am so tired of it, I just want to move on!
And I went on his social media profile and found out that he has a new girlfriend. She looks like me, only younger and fitter. I don’t even know how I feel about that. My ego feels bruised, because I am having such a hard time moving on, and there he is (apparently) super happy in his new life, with his new girlfriend. I also feel sorry for her because I know he’ll do the same to her as he did to me. I can only hope for her that she will manage to leave before it’s too late.
I’m trying not to think about him, not to look on his profile but I find it so difficult when I still have to sort out things about the old flat, and still have to navigate around all the obstacles he’s putting in my way. I can’t believe how foolish I was to trust this person.
How did you feel when you found out your ex had a new partner? How do you deal with it?
How do you keep finding strength, after months of fighting and struggling to sort everything out, just to find more and more obstacles every day?
Thanks for reading this. I hope you have a lovely, wonderful day.

[Author]

Posts