22nd October 2018 at 11:39 am #65937
Hi. I’m new here. Been divorced and got into a new relationship with another man a few years later. A man who (in hindsight) has been abusive to at least one of his other partners. I saw it but thought it was her causing it. She was a nightmare. He was never horrid to me. He had an affair with her and we were having an affair within that. Not proud of it but that’s how it was. Eventually, he threw something at her. She called the police and he ended up with a caution for assault. They finished and we started ‘going out’. We lost a lot of friends over it.
All was good to begin with. I knew he had an anger problem but he said he’d do something about it if I asked him to. I asked him and he refused, saying he didn’t see the point of talking to strangers about his problems.
Over the last (not many) years I have been chased around the house, locked in, locked out, been shouted and screamed at when I’ve said something he thinks is stupid, been held down on the bed, we have had so many social events spoilt because he has been in a mood. He nearly ruined my daughter’s wedding day for me because he was in a mood. We struggle for money, which doesn’t help but can just about make ends meet. He doesn’t like my job. He hates his job. I have to call him all the time during the day cos he works on his own and ‘gets lonely’. I work (Detail removed by Moderator) and I always know this is going to be a bad time. He is incapable of doing anything by himself. I’m not allowed to go out on my own at all. He doesn’t see that couples should be go out on their own, at all, ever.
I met my mother for a couple of hours recently, the first time I’ve met with her since(Detail removed by Moderator). He got really upset and angry coz he wasn’t invited. He said that going for a meal was excessive and that me and him should eat together and I shouldn’t eat with my mother. I got so ground down that I agreed not to have a meal with her, just a drink. He made me tell him where we were going, followed me there and sat in the car park and kept looking in the window at us. My mum and I shared a starter but I did not order a meal. He came in and demanded to know why I was eating and why there was a set of cutlery next to me(waitress just put it there). He left eventually and sat outside again. He then wrote signs and held them up to the window declaring his love for me.
I have told him that his actions would be seen as abusive and he just makes light of it. He tells me I make him do these things. That he only does it because he cares so much about me.
I am so miserable but don’t know what to do. There’s so much more but it would take too long to write out
22nd October 2018 at 12:14 pm #65939Twisted SisterParticipant
Can hear your misery and you explain so well his abuses. You sound very clear about what he’s doing being so very wrong; is s exhausting and misery making isnt it.
It can be really helpful to talk about it, like posting on here, so I hope you can keep posting your experiences and what you would like to do to make life better for you.
Reading others posts can also open our eyes to what’s been happening and how similar all these behaviours are.
Have you seen Lisa, the moderator,post asking for examples on ‘gaslighting’?
Just reading them and adding your own can really help with the processing of it.
It’s his responsibility to be honest in his relationship at the point he decides to embark on another one. Most women are not aware they are dating someone already in a relationship and when they are its pretty standard to be told they’re misunderstood, never have sex anymore, and want to leave. No man having an affair is going to say I’ll never stop loving my wife/partner we have really great sex, she really gets me.
Sending you strength and support to lift you from the misery of it all a little.
Warmest wishes ts
23rd October 2018 at 8:45 pm #66047LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. You’re explaining an abusive man; he sounds physically threatening as well as very manipulative and controlling. It’s understandable that you’re feeling low because you’re living with this every day, it’s exhausting and confusing.
I think you’d find it helpful to contact the Freephone 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to a female support worker in confidence. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk through your options and signpost you to other support. It can also help to get validation of what you’re going through.
It’s possible to make changes, and there’s lots of support available when you’re ready.
20th November 2018 at 6:32 pm #67343
Sorry, I’m going to use this as partly a diary in a way. Please feel free to ignore all my ramblings
It was amazing to begin with. Such fun. Definitely in love. It’s just got worse since. He has scared me with his anger. He says he doesn’t get angry, he gets ‘upset’. He has kicked out at me, locked me in the house, locked me out of the house, he has held me down on the bed by the arms, turned off the electricity when I’ve had ‘too many lights in’ (one because I was in the living room), he has held me against railings outside a supermarket, run into me with his car, laid himself down in front of my car to stop me driving off. When he’s angry he drives like a d**k and I’ve told him if he does it when I’m in the car, I’m getting out. I did that (car only going slowly) and the first time he hand-braked the car in front of me and knocked into me and the second time he ran after me and held me up against the railings while blowing smoke into my face and telling me to get back in the car. I did because I didn’t want a scene in public! he said he was running so fast to come and find me that he couldn’t stop and ran into me! In hindsight I should have just shouted and screamed and got someone to intervene. The police station is just across the way.
The police were called recently because I tried to leave the house because we were arguing and he came after me. I was scared so did loudly say I wanted him to leave me alone. Eventually I did go back in the house so he left. When he came back he ‘fell’ up the stairs and pulled a bookcase down the stairs. When the police came, they were concerned. It took me about 10 days to actually call them back to discuss it. I have now been classified as standard/medium risk of DA.
He used to have ‘mini breakdowns’ before due to stress but he used to have someone else to bear the brunt of it. Complicated situation before. He has no friends. He has a caution for assault on another womam he was in a relationship with. I used to “blame her” cos she was a nightmare especially when drunk (a former friend of mine). Looking back I can see that she was probably suffering the same as I am now. However, she was married (he wasn’t/isn’t) and they were having an affair so she couldn’t really do anything about it as such. She didn’t have to inform him where she was all the time
My children are aware of what’s been going on and they are concerned. I do talk to them. I don’t see them as often as I’d like. I haven’t got the same relationship with my grand children as I used to and it makes me really sad. My children don’t like him but they will tolerate him just to see me.
When things are good, they are great. We make plans for the future, etc. But I am constantly in fear of something going wrong, of saying something he thinks is stupid or saying the wrong thing. I have a constant anxious knot in my stomach.
20th November 2018 at 6:33 pm #67344
Today for instance, he has had a reasonably stressy day at work. I have been off yesterday and today but didn’t tell him (just pretended that I was working) because he gets annoyed that I have more days off a year than him. He messaged and said he was looking up something in his vehicle about 10/15 minutes before I “left work”. I called him and after about 5 or so minutes of not much conversation, I asked him what he was doing (meaning another call or coming home). He screamed at me down that phone that he was looking up something and he had told me that already! I responded with it being 20 minutes previously that he’d said that and he continued to scream at me some more. I put the phone down on him! I said there was no need to scream at me and his response was “give me support not hassle”! No apology for screaming at me. He tried to turn it on me and just said bye. Even now he hasn’t apologised for screaming at me. I’ve said sorry for annoying him. He came home and went straight upstairs to bed. I’ve tried to talk to him but he’s either asleep or ignoring me so I’ve come back downstairs. It’s going to be a s**t night cos he’ll turn it on me and say I’ve abandoned him.
20th November 2018 at 6:54 pm #67345IwantmebackParticipant
If you ignore him it’ll give him something to rage against, if you try to be supportive it’ll give him something to rage against. So in this catch 22 situation what would be the best thing for you. Sitting downstairs worrying about him or just putting your coat on and say, I’m sick of walking on eggshells and you’re outbursts and go out. If he locks you out, phone the police. Get everything out, this sounds as if it could be your moment. The worst thing for us is fear of the unknown, but you already know how hes going to react anyway. Do you fear him physically hurting any children not sure if its just you and him in the house or do you have any pets hes threatened. I’m not sure if this helps but i know its what you want to do, my heart is breaking fir you because my husband is the exact same as yours 😪😪
20th November 2018 at 7:12 pm #67347
No children in the house. Have cats though. He never threatened them as such but he doesn’t like them and pushes them around and shouts at them. Having said that, he has grabbed one of them and thrown her quite hard cos she went into a cupboard with his clothes in. I do get that that it is very annoying but ….
20th November 2018 at 8:05 pm #67351TiffanyParticipant
He’s hit you with his car! This man is seriously dangerous! Please call the helpline. Things aren’t going to get better and you need to get out. You deserve so much better than the way you are living. None of it is your fault, but you are going to have to get away from this man to make things better.
20th November 2018 at 9:33 pm #67355
I have tried calling the helpline several times but can’t get through 😔
20th November 2018 at 10:08 pm #67357LisaMain Moderator
As others have mentioned the man is very abusive and dangerous. I’m sorry to hear you are struggling to get through to the helpline. You can leave a message with them via option 2 requesting a call back. You can say a safe time frame on the voicemail and they always call back.
I hope you get the support you need
21st November 2018 at 9:47 am #67370TiffanyParticipant
It might be worth seeing if you have a local branch of women’s aid. They often have drop ins and also might be easier to get through to on the phone. I was terrified of leaving a message, but if you plan out what you need to say it isn’t impossible. You only need to tell them your phone number and when it is safe to call you back. You don’t have to go into any details about the abuse. I hope this helps.
21st November 2018 at 10:57 am #67376IwantmebackParticipant
Hi xxxxhelpxxxx, i contacted my local WA instead of the national helpline. Try and write down just a wee bit of what thou want to say. I was a gibbering wreck and felt such a fraud and so deceitful for doing it. But they don’t listen to us when we are crying out to be heard.
I pray youve had a safe night. They truly are monsters.
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