So sad all of the time

[Dreamingoffreedom]

I am just so sad…

During my last session with my counsellor, the gravity of my situation really hit home. I opened up about some things that I have never told anyone about our relationship and it absolutely drained me – the realisation that I am a victim of abuse. Since then things are as always, a rollercoaster. He has been nice but also had our fair share of arguments, typically getting on okay through the week and not speaking at all at the weekend. He has been extra needy recently and I know he senses my growing distance from him. I am working on getting myself strong enough to leave but at the moment I do not want to say or do anything until I know I mean it. I am finding it so hard to pretend though. He makes my skin crawl, I do not want to have sex, cuddle him or hold his hand. I have educated myself on what has been going on and it is so hard to pretend to love this man. I feel like when things are kicking off I am sad but equally, when things are okay, I am just as sad. I don’t think I have ever felt so low.

I’ve stopped humouring him as much too, then I think is it my fault he’s kicked off? Should I have not said that etc? But those things that I have said are not massive, in any normal relationship it wouldn’t cause any reaction, maybe a discussion if it was something more controversial. It’s also not that we have argued, but the way it goes, the gaslighting, the confusion, the kicking doors, the not letting it lie, the following me around, shouting “I don’t care if the neighbours hear.” None of these reactions are normal. But in a way, when things are like this, at least I am not having to pretend. Or doubt myself. There are his true colours….. there he is, yes, he really IS that bad!

I know from reading here and from speaking to my counsellor that the realisation is hard. I just didn’t expect to be holding back the tears 24 hours, 7 days a week. I am wasting my life and that’s what I am so sad about.

[KIP.]

I remember being in that stage. I had to do something that I knew would provoke a reaction just to prove to myself that his behaviour was not acceptable and that I was right in what I thought. Years of gaslighting took its toll. In the end it took the police and courts to get rid of him. Start planning a safe exit just now. Getting ducks in a row slowly because he will leave you with nothing if he can. It’s a real shock to the system when realisation dawns that someone we loved has been deliberately abusing us. It will get easier and you won’t always feel this way but meantime be very kind to yourself and keep all evidence you can because he won’t go quietly x

[Bananaboat]

I hear you, somehow it feels safer with them because we’ve spent time learning how to stay safe, recognise the cues etc, but it’s not the answer. It’s no way to live. Make a plan and release yourself from this – we only get one life, you’re strong enough to survive without him xx

[Dreamingoffreedom]

Thank you. It’s so comforting to know other people understand and that many have managed to get out. I feel like I’m further on in my journey to leave than I was a few months ago but still fear I’ll never do it!

[Anonymous]

I can’t seem to unlearn behaviours , I’ve forever felt responsible for there happiness , picking up the pecies behind him . It’s the only thing holding me back 🙁

[Anonymous]

I used to think it was me that caused these issues as he kept drumming it in my head I only have had trouble with you none of my other girlfriends gave me this trouble only you , then I answered back why you not with them then now if they were good girlfriends unlike me who supposedly was a bad one , so I kept trying & trying to be a person I was groomed to be to keep him happy , scared of saying the wrong thing , so I didn’t end up in a screaming row that went on for hours , my whole day was consumed of keeping him happy , being the perfect girlfriend as he used to say of course this was only when I was doing what I was told to and by not answering back , basically a remote controlled girlfriend is how I described myself. Then gradually as the relationship wore me down I was getting less and less interested in his needs and more about my wants and needs , it grew for me very boring his tantrums , in fact I got to the point of like yeah , yeah whatever! As I gave up I couldn’t be this perfect ideal woman he had put so much pressure on me to be something I’m not that I completely lost interest in him , I absolutely hated him by the end of the relationship, I cannot remember one single day of happiness in our entire relationship, there is not a name I wasn’t called for the most tiniest thing he would explode into a rage . They are man child’s whom are very needy , attention seeking , draining vampires , sucking the life outta you or anything that is an advantage to them , worst experience of my life , harder still to get away and stay away . Everything they do is for reaction and drama as they love attention be it good or bad they don’t care . I don’t think of my ex loving me as he claimed he did , I think opportunist out for what he could get , unfortunately I did love him and I learnt the hard way , I’m grateful his left me alone to move on and heal from the whole trauma and I hope someday soon you will be free of torment and be rightfully happy as you deserve .

[Gerbil]

Dear Dreaming offreedom
Absolutely everything you have written is exactly what I am feeling.
From what you have said in your post, you are becoming stronger all the time. Please keep on telling yourself that his behaviour is not normal!
Take care honey x

[Author]

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