What good news. Delighted for you. I know you will cherish this time of No Contact with your abuser. Enjoy these abuse free days in your home with your children. No walking on egg shells for the next few days. You can well and truly relax. Use the time to strengthen yourself and get a bit of head space so as to make a plan to go permanent No Contact with him.
Enjoying being with my children
Feeling happy, calm, at peace
Whistling all day (not allowed by him)
Sorting my paperwork
Enjoying working on my orders
But still, my dv lady rang to catch up. I feel ashamed not to be able to make a decision, I live in a bubble of resilience. I know my enemy and I feel an indifference towards him that makes me wrongly strong. Blame my age, blame my strength, blame the degree to which I am used to him, blame the realisation that the best years of my life are now behind, blame everything and anything. I bounce back so fast and so easily now.
The deepest hurt comes from realising how little I think about myself, the person I used to be. I search for an answer, for someone to decide for me. It’s hard making that leap of faith after so many years. I don’t even fear him. I feel and believe in nothing. I wish I could want, really want to fight for myself, for being me.
I judge myself silly.