So stupid! Just ranted at him

[Sci-figirl]

So he finally got in touch (detail removed by Moderator)…asking how our son is. Like he cares. I told him that he should just presume he’s okay unless I tell him otherwise. Fine. But then I got a mouthful and I responded and then he says he doesn’t know why I have an attitude with him!!! So I ranted. And I’m annoyed at myself. He got a rise. Which is exactly what he wanted. I should have left it. But no! And now he’s sending threats and abuse. So disappointed in myself 😥

[diymum@1]

Hiya again ☺so take the reigns again. Try the grey rock technique with him, it’s basically ignoring him, giving very little response, it works because they don’t get the rise they wany from you. Watch him give up. Also let him know you want him to stop texting because you don’t find it acceptable. It’s harassment. If he keeps on you could get the police involved, for child contact you could get a third person to communicate on a pay as you go phone. Lots of ways to deal with him Effectively xx take care xxdiy 💪💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sci-figirl, it’s okay, of course you were going to retaliate but you know its him pushing your buttons.
But you have a secret weapon…US. text him as DIY says, tell him not to contact you or you will go to the police,don’t get into a confrontation with him again, just bite your tongue from now on, there’s a big prize at the end of the day now, your freedom, if he ignores you repeat the same. If he gets in touch again, you go to the police, that way you’ve tried 2x to get him to leave you alone, that way you’ll get your non molestation orders. They can also be reviewed if he breaks them after a set period of time and he can also be arrested if he breaks the order in the meantime.
Good luck my love
IWMB 💕💕

[Sci-figirl]

I told him I won’t tolerate his abuse and threats anymore and he very quickly backed down. Then he was all sorry. I told him we no longer need to talk to one another and that I will let him know when I will drop our son off. So took back control. I’m going to stop notifications coming through, just in case. He’ll be licking his wounds now. Just so angry at him and there’s nowhere for it to go. Any other break up, you get your say, but you can’t with them. For some reason I keep forgetting he’s not a normal human being. He just twists it on me. I’m cold and never loved him because I won’t forgive him!?! It would have worked before…I’d have felt bad but now I’m angry. Which I guess is progress. Just, where do you put the rage? It’s all so unfair!

Of course, if I had resisted the urge to text him, he couldn’t have wound me up like that! 😂😩 The irony! Still, I put it right. I’m bound to have blips aren’t I? Fall off the wagon, so to speak! Just glad I have this forum right now xx

[diymum@1]

Hi you did it ☺ you don’t have to stand for this nonsense. I’d get someone else to arrange child contact and see a solicitor. Do you feel the kids are safe to go with him unsupervised? Were here to support and guide you, womens aid are there and they’re amasing at what they do. You could write down what’s happened so far, then it’s a written reminder also good evidence if you go to court for contact. Have you looked at n**********c traits? This personality type have no remorse or empathy. They destroy your bonds with family so gain power so be wary xx stay one step ahead off him and get yourself clued up. Xx 💕 DIY ✌

[diymum@1]

You’ll fall on and off the wagon until you get resolve, which you will 💪💕

[Iwantmeback]

I like that analogy falling off the wagon.😉 I no longer drink, mainly because of him, and now I don’t like the taste of it because it’s been so long. So he’s got his way, abd I’ll not become an alcoholic(he always said that’s where I would end up, even though I was only a social drinker, yet had to drink more than I could handle as we’d have put in a kitty, and because he didn’t drink, I had to make sure we got our moneys worth)
I agree with DIY, write down what happened, it’s a reminder fir you and evidence if needed in the future,mind add date and time. I forget a lot if I dont always manage to write stuff down straight away. It’s amazing how much we forget in such a short space of time considering what they do and say to us. But it does come back eventually.

IWMB 💕💕

[Sci-figirl]

We only have one child together and I believe he will be well looked after. His Dad would never let any harm come to him….in fact, he’s very over the top safety wise! He is only having him for a few hours once a week. Last time we fell out he insisted on having him overnight even though I didn’t want him to as they’d have to share a single bed. Strangely, when I automatically assumed he’d want him overnight, he said he’d rather not because of the sleeping arrangements. I suspect that he doesn’t want me to have the freedom to go out! Doesn’t bother me…I’d rather play on my PS4 and have an early night right now! Lol! I drop him at the house and pick him up when it’s convenient for us. I learnt from last time that this is the safest way for me. Although I asked him not to come to the house, he kept turning up and times were never on my terms because he had to get lifts. Also, there is always someone else there at the house to witness anything he does or says….ironically, he’s always civil to me in front of his family. It’s working for now. But if it changes, I will rethink it.
I’ve long suspected he’s n**********c. He definitely attempted to come between me and family and friends. It had an effect for sure, but they have been so supportive.
I have been keeping an (intermittent) diary since we got back together with some of the worst things he’s done and how bad I felt. Also, my dv counsellor writes down all the events I tell her about at the beginning of our sessions. I’ve talked to my doctor and the people who ran the pre school my son used to attend. I also called the police out when we broke up last time because his threats became so severe….that’s on record too. So I have things in place if things get bad.

[Sci-figirl]

Iwantmeback….it is strange how easily we forget isn’t it? It’s helped a lot to be able to look back at what he does. Also, I find telling people and seeing their reaction helps me to put it into perspective. Because, I’ll be honest, by this point I find it very hard to put into perspective. I guess it’s just so normalised now….I question whether I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it is. But I suppose that’s what they want us to think!!!

[KIP.]

Please think carefully about the character of the man you are handing your child to. If it wasn’t the child’s father would you ever in a million years allow him to look after your child. Try not to be blinded by the fact they are biologically connected. Too many women make that mistake. Be very careful. These men have no empathy. No consideration even for their own child’s wellbeing. Abusing a mother is indirectly abusing a child and if the abuse takes place in front of the child it’s classed as child abuse. And it always gets worse x keep posting if you’re ever concerned and trust your gut.

[Sci-figirl]

I completely understand where you’re coming from. I often wonder if I’m doing the right thing. But he genuinely has never given me cause for concern with regard to our son. He can no longer abuse me in front of him. And there is always a member of his family there with them. That being said, I am on high alert and prepared to take necessary action if need be. My counsellor has said that if there are any more violent incidents, it will be seen as a safeguarding issue. I will have to take action….or they will! And as unnerving as it is, I am prepared to do so.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sci-figirl, you sound so strong and so level headed, I really think you’ll be alright🤗💜 I wish I was like you around my oh.
I’m bolshy, but he sees it as me being cheeky and disrespectful. I do stand up to him and fir myself, it just sets him off. I hope I get me back again, I do see more of me now, I want to have my own place, light my candles, play music and not turn it off in case it annoys him, scratch that, it will annoy him.
You really do sound one hell of a woman.

IWMB 💕💕

[Sci-figirl]

IWMB….I’m really not that level headed around him. I am very good at putting on an act however. I break down after I leave every time. This weeks visit was no different. Thankfully, I spend the hours my son is with him with my family and they have been great. They just let me cry and talk if I want. There’s not much to say though. I’ve finally stopped carrying the guilt and blame. Now I know it’s him….I’m no longer carrying hope. It’s devastating. To realise that the man I loved never actually existed. But it’s made it easier this time to stay away. Because I know I can’t fix it. I can’t fix him. He’s not broken, like I thought….at his best, he’s just not nice, at his worst….he’s plain dangerous (to me at least). I cry daily. It’s strange, because I’ve never been a cryer. My own family had only seen me cry a handful of times before that and my best friend of almost 3 decades had never seen me cry! Now it’s a common occurrence. I thought at first it was because I was pregnant but it wasn’t. It’s him. Although I understand it all cognitively, emotionally it can still be a struggle. But I’m allowing myself that. Being kind to myself. Because I never have been in my life. I’ve always chastised myself. I had an abusive mother, so it’s how it’s always been.
But he overplayed his hand this time. It wasn’t the violence, I’m ashamed to say, but I have been used to that. It was what he said about my kids. They’re not his. He would never say those things about his own child. But my kids are my world. I have and would sacrifice anything for them and already felt awful about what he was doing to their home and mom. I couldn’t have any more. But if it had been just me….I would probably have followed him to the end of the earth and back. I’m so glad I have the kids because they gave me the strength I need. I’ve even taken all of his stuff to the house today…boxes and boxes of it. It was gutting. But he out of the house for real now! I’m just taking it one step at a time. It’s the only way it think xx

[Sci-figirl]

And btw, he says that I am cold and uncaring and obviously never loved him because I give him so little reaction! Thank goodness he doesn’t see the inner turmoil! Glad I took drama at gcse now!! 😂😂😂 x

[KIP.]

Hey, you’re doing great. What he says about giving him a reaction is just another way for him to upset you. These men are desperate for any sort of attention. Google the grey rock method. Absolutely zero contact is the only way forward. It brings some sort of closure and it’s the worst thing for these abusers, it’s our way of saying that I know what you are. That you are not welcome in my life. It’s the worst pain for a n********t and it give us some sort of closure. As close as we will ever get to closure.

[Sci-figirl]

KIP….you are a fountain of knowledge my lovely! Grey rock it is! Kind of what I started doing already but now I can do it with purpose and knowledge! I have to admit, reading up on it….I got a little upset. Just, the more you read, the more you realise how incapable of any kind of real feeling these men are. Everything I felt was a lie, because he’s just a shell of a man. And I’m just a pawn in his game. It’s devastating. I’ll admit, I’ve had a bit of a cry. Feel empty….these past years, just wasted on someone so unworthy.
And yet, I know it’s good. To know this. To realise it. Painful as it may be. I don’t want to live in a lie, in someone else’s lie. I want the fantasy gone. I read an article about getting over a toxic relationship and one of the things it says is to find what it was that you’d imagined you would have from the relationship….what the hope was that kept you there and then you could let go of that and grieve. Tonight I realised that for me, it was the hope of us being a proper family. How you imagine. Doing stuff with the kids and going on holiday. That’s all I wanted. Not much really. But that’s what I’m losing. The hope of that. It was never going to be. Not with him. So at least realising means I can grieve for it and maybe be a little farther down the road.
I wonder if I’ll ever fully recover….is it possible even? Will I ever trust anyone else? More importantly, will I ever trust myself? But I’m just grateful that I’ve gotten this far. At least I have the peace of safety, which is more than what I had a few weeks back. I’ll take it for now. Work on the rest later….🤷🏼‍♀️ Xx

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