So today I’m even more confused.

This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of SunshineRainflower SunshineRainflower 7 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #57609
    Profile photo of Anonymous Anonymous 
    Participant

    I said to him I’m going out with my friend for just 2 hours. He said to me i am not your ex I want you to go enjoy your life and you don’t have a social life etc. when I’m taking a step then for him to say I don’t have a social life he confuses me. I mean I’m trying and when I do it’s like remind me I don’t have many friends apart from two. (Detail removed by moderator). Am I paranoid?

  • #57754
    Profile photo of Ayanna Ayanna 
    Participant

    I wonder what is wrong with him.
    Do you need to stay with this man?
    Why don’t you try living on your own and enjoying life?

  • #57760
    Profile photo of Anonymous Anonymous 
    Participant

    I have left him and he is blaming me saying I’m using him when I never have. Saying he don’t even want to be intimate with me and he wants to wait etc. so confused then I said he was a mistake and he told me to f*** myself I am really confused.

  • #57764
    Profile photo of Ayanna Ayanna 
    Participant

    Why do you talk to him?
    Go zero contact.
    (Detail removed by moderator) .
    How dare he talk to you so horribly.
    You need to build your life on your own and enjoy it.

  • #57779
    Profile photo of Anonymous Anonymous 
    Participant

    I wish I could stop talking to him I hate myself for it. I feel so worthless and feel like it’s all my fault.

  • #57784
    Profile photo of Lisa Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Anonymous,

    Just to say that none of this is your fault- abuse is only ever the fault of the abuser. Going through an abusive relationship like you have causes you to doubt yourself. It’s true that the contact you have with him means he is continuing to have some control and that will be delaying your recovery.
    However, we all understand how difficult it is to completely stop contact. But, just like you needed time to get to the point of leaving him, try to trust that in time you will get to the point when you feel you can stop contact. Please try to be kind to yourself.

    I think it would be really helpful for you to talk this through with an experienced support worker; if you feel you can I suggest calling the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
    You could also contact your local domestic abuse service and find out about one to one support or support groups in your area.

    Kind regards and Keep Posting,

    Lisa

  • #57803
    Profile photo of Anonymous Anonymous 
    Participant

    Thankyou, I decided not to let him come over last night even though he hinted it numerous times. I felt alone and part of me wanted to say yes come over but I forced myself not to after the way he walked out and left the day before and because of the language he use towards me. I think because I am so use to being abused from previous relationships I just forgive him. I am trying to change that now. I think for me to say no last night was a masssive step. I just haven’t completed stopped contact with him. My mind feels all over the place it’s like I don’t want to see anyone but to just stay in bed. I feel he is right I have no social life and now I feel I can’t even turn to him. My confidence and self esteem is so low who am I supposed to turn to. How can I help myself? I just don’t know anymore. I can’t even leave him why am I so weak?? He does not give me the love and attention I need so why do I stay? All these questions running through my mind I wish I was strong enough to let go.

  • #57804
    Profile photo of SunshineRainflower SunshineRainflower 
    Participant

    Hi Anonymous,
    You are worthy and none of this is your fault. Abusers deliberately and craftily isolate us from support networks to make it harder to leave, exactly like you are experiencing now. You feel weak because he has tried to exhaust you and break your spirit.

    I was only with my abuser a short time but I very quickly felt exhausted, having to lie down constantly and I felt like he was the most important thing in my life. I desperately wanted a loving partner and didn’t want to end it but when he threatened to hurt me it was like this inner strength took over and guided me to safety.

    Access all the support available – helpline, local domestic abuse team, any relevant charities, CAB and victim support for advice and guidance. These places are staffed by wonderful caring people, they can be the start of the new support network you are building for yourself. There are groups for survivors you could try out and once you’re free you could try out clubs, hobbies to meet nice new people as well as reconnect with old friends.

    Him saying you have no social life is a put down masked as encouragement. He doesn’t want you to socialise as he knows it weakens his hold on you. Believe in your worth and keep strong, it hurts badly to leave and you will be lonely but you will also heal and grow from it. Id also recommend therapy to work out your pattern so you can avoid future abusers as well as looking into something like The Freedom programme.

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