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I’ve messaged on the forum before. I left my partner and moved out of our home a few months ago for a bit. I went back to him. But since I came back, I feel constantly torn and confused. I feel guilty and constantly blame myself. He says things like that I don’t care about his feelings, that I refuse to change in order to make a life with him even though I’ve always been so home sick living miles away from any friends and family. He’s also being so horrible about having to talk to a social worker because my midwife was concerned for me and my unborn child. He says that he’s going to tell the social worker just about how my parents have brain washed me (even though they just simply care about me), says he’ll tell her how much I don’t care about his feelings and making an effort etc. He’s been lovely to me (detail removed by Moderator) after I told him I’d had enough again and wanted to go back home to my mum and dad because we weren’t working and he still has no respect for me or our unborn baby. He promised he’d change and that he would talk to my parents (before he said he wanted nothing to do with them), he was actually comforting for a change, normally when I cry he just gets mad at me. Then (detail removed by Moderator) he was being a bit mean again, saying it was my fault he hadn’t been to see his sister while she was visiting (detail removed by Moderator) (I said several times that he should go but I refuse to see his mum because she has said some horrible things and tried to condone his behaviour). He was home from work early (detail removed by Moderator) too so I said if you like you can come to my midwife appointment so you can hear the baby’s heart beat, I said he didn’t have to and that it was his choice (because he’s said that I’ve expected too much of him during my pregnancy – he’s been to (detail removed by Moderator) scans and a hospital tour which he said was pointless – he didn’t come to any of my antenatal classes), but anyway he came to the appointment (detail removed by Moderator) but said he’d come just because he thought it was a test and so that my parents and I couldn’t throw it in his face if he didn’t come.
I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve from this post but I’m sick of feeling so torn between him being mean to me and then also loving him and probably being confused because I’m heavily pregnant, ready to pop and very emotional after years of emotional abuse.
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You are withdrawing from him for a reason, you are protecting yourself and your unborn child. He won’t change, anything he can use against you he will, even to not seeing his sister and then he can and is blaming it on you, the same regarding going/ not going to the antenatal appointments/scans. You don’t need to change. If you’re changing to make him happy what about your happiness, don’t you deserve to be happy? Let your midwife know what he’s threatening to say to the social worker, that’s coercive manipulation right there, of course your parents are supporting you, they see right through him, he’s trying to push a wedge between you,. And it’ll work if you let him, you’ll be too ashamed to talk to them again because you’ve went back, please don’t break down your communications with them. Once you start listening to his drip,drip poison against your parents, you’ll feel even more alone. Find the strength to leave him for good, for your sake and your baby’s.
I’ll be praying for you tonight my love, you need support and calmness around you at this time, blessings to you and your wee one, soon to be here💜 -
Hey. I understand that you love him and that it is incredible hard to leave. But as other women said – leaving would be best. Abusers don’t change. You had a few nice days (probably the “honeymoon” days) and then the story repeats. I am so sorry to hear that you had a stressful pregnancy. I don’t have kids but I’d imagine this is the time when a woman should be pampered and all that.
You don’t have to feel ashamed for coming back to him. It usually takes more than one attempt to leave abusive relationship. And I personally think it is even harder to leave emotional abusive partner than physical abusive because it makes you question yourself even more.
You are about to be a Mom and kids react to the abuse. Also, abuse can escalate when a child is born. It’s up to you to make a decision and when to make a decision. It would be great if you could find someone to talk to face to face about what is going on.that’s what helped me most when I was preparing myself to leave him – talking.
Hugs xx -
Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Contact your local women’s aid centre for support and advice. Ring the helpline number on here. He’s an abuser and they get worse especially when he’s going to have to share your attention with a baby. He should be embracing any help offered. Not threatening you x
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