So upset

[Neueranfang]

I’m in self isolation at the moment with my two young children as we’ve all got Covid.I haven’t been with my abusive Ex for almost a year now.We were together for more than a decade and I was part of his family.In fact, I was more part of his family than my own family as they are all abroad and he didn’t like me seeing them.Sitting at home, unwell I am reflecting on things and I keep bursting out in tears because his mum who I was really close to…I mean she was there when my two (removed by moderator) were born and so on.Anyway, she knows we are all ill with Covid and she hasn’t even had the decency to text and ask if we are ok.NOTHING from her or the rest of the family except one of his (removed by moderator|) and he is asking every day cause he knows I am vulnerable now hoping I would go back to him.I had work colleagues asking if I am ok, I had mums from my kids football team offering help.These are people I have only known for a few months and they have shown me more kindness than my Ex’s mother who I was part of for a decade.I’m just so upset about this.I mean a simple ‘How are you?’ I wouldn’t have even wanted any help but to erase me out of her life just like that hurts.She knows full well my family are not here as well…

[N-Survivor]

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. When people show you who they are, believe them.

His mother’s loyalty will lie with her son, don’t expect anything else. I find their mothers are often their worst enablers. As close as you might have thought you were, I’m sure it was true at the time, she will take his side.

At times like this when you feel vulnerable it’s useful to read an old diary entry and remind yourself why you left. Everything seems better in retrospect.

Isn’t it also a great opportunity to reach out for support to friends and family that you want to nurture, that are only your relationships. Vulnerability creates closeness. Allow yourself to share with those who haven’t hurt you and that will be part of your future.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you have Covid, you are doing well to post.

I’ve got a similar situation going in with my birth family, his extended family and I get what you are saying with relatively complete strangers asking how you are, but not people you have been related to.

If it helps at all, through reading and reflection over the years I have realised some more about potential aftermath of domestic abuse. Almost like those people can’t cross that bridge. In the best of days I have and sounds like you are having a down one understandably as you have Covid – in the best of my days I feel that such people must be experiencing guilt actually, if they are not supporting you. Either that or they are just very selfish.

Case in point for me. My daughter still receives Christmas and birthday cards from my birth sisters, but my birth sisters never send me one. Every year it hurts. I’ve even had it that they send my ex these cards and that ex (I feel sneakily) includes them in a parcel he sends to my DD. I know this is manipulation really. I also know it is in fact victim blaming i.e I am the devil incarnate according to them.

What it is I am supposed to have done other than leave an abuser and grow a child, now young woman who is balanced, healthy, done well in her studies despite or perhaps because of ten months home schooling in a pandemic – I do not know.

I felt so alone during all the lock downs, and still do, and still feel the weight of organising everything in the house so that if I got Covid, we would be able to manager for ten days. The lock downs were so difficult. And quite often I get scared about the future, though at least the last legal bit is done and I no longer have to communicate with ex regarding it or other matters.

A part of me is now done with expecting help from so called blood relatives. or DD’s dad.

I feel what he did and what they did was unspeakably cruel. I hope being a feminist I would always support a woman who was having to steer the ship on her own as a single parent. And I hope I would understand when she is stressed or needs some space.

Having said that, I try to reframe things now and think to myself in a strange sort of way I could see it as a blessing. Not having to bother with them. I wonder if you can get to that point?

As you have experienced, I have had complete strangers stop me on the street who have followed our journey from afar and tell me I’m a fanatstic mum and how amazing my daughter is.

The milk man, the iceland delivery an and the postwoman are better friends to me than my own family.
The taxi driver who takes me to get my vaccination is a better companion and friend than my own birth family.
Likewise mostly, the teachers at DD’s schools and colleges who at least understood what I was trying to do in building a future for us, under difficult circumstances.

When you are a single parent you do get very practical, because you have to be, and some don’t like that. I’ve had birth family members calling me ‘selfish’.

I had been a member of a local place of worship – and before the pandemic had attended for many years. When the pandemic hit and Covid came, they were no where to be seen. Noone even asking how I was.

So I became angry, didn’t see it as particuarly Christian. I wasn’t asking for anything they just seemed to disown me. No one caring as to how I would manage if I got ill. I resigned.

So it’s about finding ways and means of managing without people like this. Seeing the benefits of not having them in your life.

You probably already know this, but local volunteers can pop to your door or check on the telephone how you are. Perhaps Google NHS local help.

I dont think anyone really gets how hard it is dealing with illness when you are a single parent.

But the good news is, if there is any (and I tell myself this_ it would be so, so much harder if you were still living with that horrible man. I remind myself how much more difficult sometimes, even the smallest decision being clouded, not being allowed to make mistakes or mess up,

I feel a lot more needs to be written and said about birth family estrangements after domestic abuse, and emotional abuse.

In the worst times I feel it is almost as if we have been punished twice, once with the abuse and once by our own birth family for having left.

But we rise above.
Sorry you are not feeling well.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I agree with N-Survivor that their mothers are their worst enablers a lot of the time. My ex’s mom has been absolutely awful to me post breakup & now she participates in the emotional abuse (calls me a liar etc). She still believes her son is some wonderful man who has fallen victim to an unstable crazy woman. It’s mind boggling & very painful to experience. Just remember that these men are master manipulators. He probably has successfully convinced his mother to believe a bunch of things about you that aren’t true. It would take a major revelation on her part to see him for who he really is and the truth is that may never happen. It’s ok to grieve this but also make sure you are taking good care of yourself & not blaming yourself for any of this.

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your replies and sorry it took me so long to post.I am still unwell with Covid and I feel like it has taken all of my physical and mental strength away from me.Just like you I often ask myself what I have done wrong other than leaving my abuser?I don’t understand why his mum erased me from her life.It makes things worse as she knows exactly what I was going through with him and she promised me to support me in every way when leaving him.My Ex partner’s dad abused her for over (detail removed by Moderator) years and nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years ago she left him.Nevertheless she is enabling her son’s abusive behaviour.I haven’t had any support from her.Not even a text asking how I am.Shortly after leaving my Ex, I would pop around his mum’s for a coffee during my lunch break but every time I did, she felt anxious he would turn up and I didn’t feel welcome.So I stopped doing it.(detail removed by Moderator) I took our kids abroad for a few weeks to see my family and my Ex mother in law didn’t even bother texting or ringing us on my son’s birthday.Then when we got back she complained that I didn’t send her any pictures of our holiday.Unfortunately I couldn’t backfire at her she did it in front of other people at my (detail removed by Moderator) birthday.So I bit my tongue for the peace.I feel very much let down by her.Ironically she lives next to (detail removed by Moderator).However, she doesn’t help with childcare.She knows I am paying hundreds of pounds a month for both my children to attend breakfast club and after school club and she also knows that her son is not supporting me financially.She hasn’t paid maintenance at all so far.Nevertheless she chooses not to help.I think it is disgusting what they are doing.She also knows that my family are abroad.I don’t have anyone here….

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you are not well.

Sounds like a tough situation. As mentioned I do know what it is like not to be supported by so called ‘family members’.

Difficult to see at the time, but in the long run you will be better off looking for help and support in non-birth family places – it seems like – so that you are not dependent on them. That way you will be able to survive and hopefully thrive regardless. Although be prepared for the flack of doing that, they will probably tell you you are ‘selfish’. Which you are not by the way.

So you’re not feeling well today and with Covid.

Need to get some RL support in place for that.

Suggestions and if they are not appropriate don’t worry it is just what is coming out of my head at the moment…

1. Local NHS linked or council support for people with Covid…
IN our area we have people who can do shopping/bring prescriptions/if you get yourself on the list google covid support… there is also a check in telephone service that you can register for so that people can check on you.
2. Financial the next thing is the Covid payment if you can’t work. Someone else on here might know but you have to apply I think with your test result..again you should be able to find info online…
3. Situation with kids let nursery/after school club know obviously and you shouldn’t have to pay.
4. Child Maintenance = if this is what the situation is, I would get an application in straight away and then you are not dependent on whether or not he feels like paying…

I know that is a lot when you are not feeling well, but some can be done on computer from home probably and might relieve some pressure.

Chatting things through Freephone Samaritans 116 123 if you are feeling down. Anytime of day or night.

Thinking of you

[Author]

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