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    • #117280
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      I honestly feel like I can’t do this. How I am supposed to parent with someone who continues to control and manipulate. I’m not much better off than when I first left and it has been some time.
      I’m expected to comply yet he (detail removed by Moderator). His messages are dictatorial with a tone but yet probably would be considered as threatening. I feel like I’m going mad!
      Where do I stand with education as in PR and me having a (detail removed by Moderator)?
      I am constantly being bullied over various different things by my ex with regard to our child. I will never be free to live my life 😭

    • #117281
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      To add I’m still very scared of him. I had agreed to potential meet post lockdown to discuss our child’s education but I honest can’t face it.

    • #117282
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s contact that brings the anxiety. Can you cut him out of the loop altogether and use a third party. Do you have support from women’s aid?
      You can choose who you allow in your life. You have tried contact and he is using it to bully you.

    • #117283
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      Given we have a (detail removed by Moderator) he always uses it against me. Every time I facilitated contact for our young child via FaceTime he’d use it to discuss issues he had with me at any given time or our relationship. Now I’m accused of (detail removed by Moderator)?
      Handovers are at a minimum luckily but he dumps our child on the doorstep so no actual proper handover. All punishment for me because I don’t comply with what he wants be the our child is who it affects.
      He’s happy to rant over messages and grind me down with his demands of what he wants.
      I’ve just managed to get a separate phone organised now so that I can shut it away. But no other support (obviously friends and family)
      What else can I do? We have important decisions to make but he will never see what is best for our child x

    • #117285
      KIP.
      Participant

      Ignore everything he says. Abusers are liars. Switch FaceTime off if he uses it to harass you. It’s his time for his daughter. Not for you. Keep a journal of his behaviour. What are you scared of? The law is based on fairness and it’s not fair that he continues to harass you. If (detail removed by Moderator)then he has to justify that and it sounds like he’s not even sticking (detail removed by Moderator) agreed by him. You have (detail removed by Moderator) so you shouldn’t have to communicate outside that (detail removed by Moderator). By having direct contact with him the abuse will continue. So stop contact. It’s good that he leaves your child and goes because if you argue in front of your child it’s harmful. Try to think what you can control. Make those decisions in the best interest of the child and tell him the decision is made. You need to stand up to bullies. Write down a contact schedule and don’t get dragged into anything outside this schedule and use third parties for all contact. You need to set boundaries. You’re the mum. You’re in charge of your life x

    • #117291
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      I’m scared of consequences if I don’t do what he wants, like the thought of being reprimanded (detail removed by Moderator).
      FaceTime stopped initially by me because everything time he would use it to berate me on things or discuss our relationship instead of using the time to see his child. Since then he’s not asked again and I’ve not offered but equally I don’t ask him for anything when she’s spending time with him.
      I don’t think what he does can be deemed as harassing as it’s not continuous messages. It’s more the fact that I don’t feel in control of my own life because he makes it that I have to run everything by him and with his agreement. He constantly uses (detail removed by Moderator) to back this up.
      I’m not with him anymore yet it feels like I never left in some respects.
      I don’t want to have discussion or arguments on the doorstep I just hoped that he could put all things aside for our child and make a normal handover for her but he can’t. He dumps a small child on the doorstep and is not even visible for me to see. Silent treatment but yet he wants a discussion or to meet about major decisions. How am I supposed to do that?
      I have a constant feeling of dread. I hate having to communicate with him about anything related to our child because there’s always an issue. Am I making sense? X

    • #117295
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes you’re making perfect sense. He’s still manipulating and controlling you. The consequences can’t be any worse than what your going through just now. Talk to your local women’s aid. This man has no right to be in your life. If he has to have a relationship with his child then that’s facilitated through (detail removed by Moderator). If he’s bullying and manipulating and continuing the abuse you have every right to stop direct communication. Use a third party for all communication and hand overs. It’s not safe to dump a child unsupervised. So that your reason for changing hand overs to a family member. It’s just a case of slowing putting in your own boundaries. Let him threaten away. They’re good at threatening but it’s often just hot air. What would he say (detail removed by Moderator). ‘My ex allows me to see my child as per (detail removed by Moderator) but she doesn’t let me near her so I can abuse her?’

    • #117297
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      How does this work in terms of major decisions like education health etc? (detail removed by Moderator) expect you as parents to be able to discuss and make decisions for the welfare of the child but how can I be expecting to do that with a bully? If I express an opinion or attempt to make a decision on anything I am dictated to that I have to get his agreement on everything! It’s just not possible, he cannot agree.
      I have asked for his position on education but he refuses to discuss unless face to face or call. I want neither with him. Do I just make the decision in the best interest of our child anyway?
      As for third party handovers it’s not really possible. Majority are via nursery anyway but other times can only really be via me x

    • #117301
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’d make the decisions as the resident parent and simply tell him. Those decisions are in the best interest of your child and if he has a reasonable rational objection then put it in writing via a third party, otherwise don’t contact me. Then you forge ahead with your decisions. There really isn’t much he can do. There can’t be many big decisions anyway. If she’s at nursery and it’s working out then that’s fine. I’m assuming there’s an obvious choice for school so get her registered. There needs to be no other discussion so just refuse to take his calls. The school can send separate school reports and separate parents evenings. He doesn’t need to discuss things with you which he isnt doing anyway. Keep a journal of his behaviour to show all he’s doing his harass you.

    • #117304
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      Thank you @kip I know what you’re saying all makes sense.
      We do have it all set up that he gets correspondence from nursery and all things medical. Both are aware of our situation and have been very supportive.
      I have done my bit and given him the opportunity to express his opinion regarding education but he doesn’t want to acknowledge unless I agree to discuss properly.
      Will there be implications for me if I go ahead and make a decision? I am made to feel like I am incapable of doing anything unless on his say so. I can’t live like this, it’s crippling me emotionally and mentally x

    • #117305
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’re a mother. Your job is to make decisions for the welfare of your child. The only implications will be delusional nonsense that he invents. Imagine the worst case scenario and you have to justify your decisions to a judge. So you say you enrolled your child into a good school and your ex refused to offer a coherent alternative instead he continued to bully and manipulate insisting on face to face meetings to continue his harrassment and bullying behaviour leaving you close to a breakdown because of his behaviour. That you made a decision to protect your mental health and therefore that of your child. He’s a nasty little bully and until you stand up to a bully they just continue their behaviour. Get support around you from women’s aid. What does even discuss properly mean? It means you sit there and listen to his ranting. If you have the upper hand as resident parent then use it x

    • #117366
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      Thank you for your support I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. I am feeling a lot calmer but where do I go from here? I simply can’t carry on with the pendulum swing of emotions and acute anxiety about his next move or reaction to something. X

    • #117375
      KIP.
      Participant

      You ask someone to act as a go between and you message him and tell him all communication will be done via this third party from now on because of his continued abuse and because he leaves your child in a dangerous situation by leaving her unattended at outside your home and if he turns up at your home you will ring the police. The hand overs will now be done at the nursery or at x house. (detail removed by Moderator) It’s going to be stressful to begin with and he will hate that he doesn’t have contact with you and will bully and threaten etc but in reality what’s he going to do? You’re the resident parent. Change your number and only communicate via this third party. His bullying and delusional behaviour will dry up when he gets no response. (detail removed by Moderator) then what is he going to say. My ex allowed me full access to my child and allowed discussions to take place via a third party but it doesn’t suit me? Just keep that journal of all his bullying and threatening behaviour and do doubt there will be more when you put up your boundaries. It’s you he wants access to.

    • #117376
      KIP.
      Participant

      I remember when my abusers first marriage broke up many many years ago he was only allowed to contact his ex via letter! Huge red flag there. So you can guess the hell I went through with this bully. Zero contact is the only way to deal with these men. Eventually years further down the line you might be able to stand up to him but for now you’re still extremely vulnerable and probably still traumatised and his behaviour will be triggering you. Have you had counselling?

    • #117392
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      At the time did alarm bells start ringing for you when you learnt that? Unfortunately I have nothing to go on with my ex as he had been single for many years since a brief relationship when he was much younger.
      I had a couple of sessions via my solicitors but they stopped when Covid hit and I was not contacted again despite the promise of it.
      I wouldn’t even know how to go about it now? X

    • #117393
      KIP.
      Participant

      No they didn’t start ringing because I had absolutely no knowledge of domestic abuse and he had already brainwashed me into believing his ex wife was the problem. Funny how history repeated itself all these years later. Once an abuser always an abuser.

    • #117394
      SeekingPeace
      Participant

      Hi Lavenderrose

      I just wanted to let you know my situation. I have very young children and for a month now I’ve gone “no contact”. I couldnt take any more of the anxiety and stress caused by the ongoing coercive control post separation. It has taken me a long time to build up the courage to do this but I’m so glad I have done!
      I sent him an email stating that from now on the children would be picked up/dropped off at a public place instead of our home and by a third party. Im extremely grateful to have a good friend who wanted to help me out and is happy to do this for me. I also stated in the email he was not to contact me directly (in any form: text, email, phone or turning up at house) unless it was an emergency involving the children. I have asked that any other communication regarding the children is passed on via my third party. I am in the process of applying for a non harassment order too as an additional measure to keep him from harassing me or turning up at my house.
      He doesnt know anything about the non harassment order yet but he hates that I’ve cut off contact and everything is through a third party. Im now facing another challenge in that so far hes been having non residential contact but he stated in his most recent solicitor letter that he is reducing his work hours and he proposes having the children for significant residential contact and buy a house locally.
      I’ve been reassured by my solicitor hes extremely unlikely to get what he wants nonetheless I’ve felt so stressed out by the thought he will probably take this to court when I dont agree with his proposal. I just want a quiet, peaceful life free of thr toxicity of abuse. It is evil the way these men try to take the children away from their mothers post separation, all because they want to destroy us for having the audacity to leave them.
      I’m sorry my post hasnt ended on a positive note but I just wanted to offer some hope around going no contact even when you have children with an abuser. As KIP has told you in her posts, it is possible to do this. You can’t co-parent with an abuser. There are ways and means of dealing with the bigger life decisions for your children as they arise. Dont get me wrong, Ive still got my own questions around some of this. For example, I know that my friend being my third party is only a short term solution, I cant ask her to do this forever. Perhaps one day I’ll have to handover the children via a contact centre. But it is a starting point. It has made a HUGE difference to my journey of healing from the abuse already! I can’t emphasise the extent to which it’s done this. I feel so much more freedom.
      At times i still get very anxious about the whole situation/future but I’ve found it helps to take everything moment by moment and stop my mind jumping to the “what ifs” regarding the future. That is so much easier said than done but with some determined focus and mindfulness it really is possible.
      Let us know how you get on!
      X

    • #117399
      KIP.
      Participant

      Thank you seekingpeace for sharing that. It’s often so hard to have confidence to take that next step. Please remember abusers are liars. Even in solicitor letters. My ex did the same saying he had a bad back and wasn’t sure if he would be able to work again. (detail removed by Moderator) Of course there was nothing wrong with his back. So only act on what they do not what they say. It already looks bad for him if he’s threatening this. We can all see his silly game. Someone once told me to sit back and watch the show. Difficult when you’re so deeply involved but mine put on such a good show. Made himself look ridiculous x

    • #117406
      SeekingPeace
      Participant

      Thanks KIP. Yes they are liars. Thats a good reminder to act on what they do and not what they say! x

    • #117439
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      Hi @seekingpeace. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
      These men are all so alike aren’t they?!
      Like you said I find myself constantly thinking of the what if’s, always preempting his next move. I’m almost always right with the stuff he complains about.
      I’ve got myself a separate phone purely for contact regarding our child which has helped me a lot already because any little ping on my phone automatically triggered my anxiety even it it wasn’t him. It’s been horrible!
      So far so good, no contact!
      I find myself worrying about everything though still. I’m panicking that I am going to land myself in serious trouble by no complying to things especially in terms of FaceTime etc. I’ve already been accused of breaching because I haven’t complied but how can I when he uses it to talk to me, grind me down about whatever his latest gripe is? It’s supposed to be time with our child but she’s too young to facilitate it properly anyway!
      I have also spoken with a GP about referral for counselling. I honestly need it so much. I feel very broken.
      With this type of abuse you feel alone and isolated, like no one would understand or even see what is happening but a professional who is known to us has now had first hand experience of exactly what he is like. It was triggering to hear about it but it’s another step to making me feel like I’m not going mad x

    • #117440
      KIP.
      Participant

      While you’re running round firefighting his demands youre not in control of your own. Take back the control and let him do the running.

    • #117441
      KIP.
      Participant

      Can you FaceTime and then leave the room for x amount of time and teach your daughter to hit the red button when she’s finished? Empower her now.

    • #117446
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      @kip she’s still too young to manage doing that herself for now. In all honesty he hasn’t asked for it and neither have I when she’s in his care either. I’m sure he’d use it against me though!x

    • #117447
      KIP.
      Participant

      Just keep a journal and put it in there that he hasn’t asked and she is too young. If you do have to do FaceTime then set it up and tell him he’s got 10 minutes. Walk away then switch it off from the router after 10 minutes. Or get a third party to do it.

    • #117448
      KIP.
      Participant

      He couldn’t care less about the courts order and does what he wants so you’ve got plenty to say if you need to. Don’t let his petty threats get into your head.

    • #117462
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      I have my suspicions that he’ll keep her over the Christmas period and there’s nothing I can do. Police would not help me last time!
      Everything he does is to punish me 😔

    • #117468
      KIP.
      Participant

      Why wouldn’t the police help you enforce a court order? If he did that last year and broke the court order I would keep her this year.

    • #117469
      KIP.
      Participant

      Do you have a solicitor? Why wasn’t he taken back in front of the Judge to explain breaching a court order? It doesn’t seem to be worth the paper it’s written on.

    • #117471
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      It has to have power to arrest so I’d have to make an emergency application to get her returned. Civil matter I believe!
      By the time I had been able to get legal advice she had already been returned 🤷‍♀️

    • #117474
      KIP.
      Participant

      Ring rights of women for free legal advice. You’re the resident parent with a court order. At least you know his petty game. All this behaviour will not help him should he ever want to take you to court. I think he’s bluffing because he knows that concerns you. So keep that journal of his behaviour. Using a third party means he won’t be messing you around but also someone else who is not afraid of him.

    • #117482
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      Thanks @kip I will contact them. I can’t continue with the fear that she won’t be returned to me just because he hasn’t got his own way. He constantly believes he’s owed additional contact and if I don’t agree I get punished in one way or another through our child x

    • #117508
      KIP.
      Participant

      I don’t think he believes he’s owed extra time, that’s just the excuse he uses to abuse you further. Our children are the best way for them to hurt and control so that’s what he will use. If it was finances or housing or anything else that we cared about then he would simply change the goal posts and use that.

    • #117514
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      Exactly this. He did this with possessions when I first left him, especially anything sentimental relating to our child. I had to just accept that.
      I refuse to give additional time, I don’t owe anything x

    • #117516
      KIP.
      Participant

      Remember you are in charge here. You have the upper hand as the resident parent. You will have your enough is enough moment soon. And he can go take a hike. It’s hard to get out of that intimidated victim mind set but you can change the way you think and feel now. You’re not that same person, you have support around you. He’s simply a nasty bully.

    • #117548
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      I suppose my biggest fear is of going back court again and as it is the family courts are uninterested in stuff that he’s doing to me. It’ll be child contact at any cost as it already is really x

    • #117794
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      Radio silence now, should I be worried? I so worried about making decisions for our child. Really really really hate feeling like this 😔
      Please give me some hope that it gets easier??

    • #117798
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      The (detail removed by Moderator) are your authority not him.
      When he is missing on visits, document it and move on to the next scheduled visit.
      See every single step you are taking and he’s taking from a legal perspective that is all that matters to courts.
      Whenever unsure, contact Rights Of Women or your own solicitor.
      He is not longer your dark Lord whom you have to obey. No!
      The only authority over you is the law nothing else. So make sure you follow that, screw the rest.

    • #117809
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      Sorry I know I should just get on with my life but I just can’t. I’m so petrified of putting a foot wrong. It’s very much one rule for him and another for me. I’m supposed to consult him about everything but he doesn’t have the decency to inform me of things and trust me I’m not asking for much at all.
      The silence is good as I have some peace but I’m over thinking all the time what if’s and potential complaints from him. Just wonder what’s next.
      Just need that reassurance and trust that I’m ok to make these decisions especially when he refuses to tell me his position.
      I sound so pathetic and weak !

    • #117812
      KIP.
      Participant

      Youre not pathetic and weak. You’re a victim of abuse and your confidence has been shattered. Have you had counselling? Is there anyone who can take all the stuff to do with him completely out of your hands. Someone else will see his behaviour as unacceptable and know how to treat access using the head and not the fear he still causes you. That’s triggers and they stem from his previous abuse.

    • #117817
      Lavenderrose
      Participant

      I’m just in the process of trying to get counselling, I’ve spoken with my GP.
      I don’t really have anyone that could take on the task of dealing with him, it’s also a big ask I guess x

    • #117818
      KIP.
      Participant

      I don’t think it’s a big ask. If there’s a routine in place he shouldn’t have to contact you for much at all. And your child is dropped off/picked up at your family or friends house. Ring Rights of Women and gather as much knowledge of the system as you can so that you know when he’s talking nonsense and threatening and lying to you. He shouldn’t be using the current system to abuse you.

    • #117822
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi LavenderRose. I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and I understand. I’m in a similar situation to you in dealing with post separation abuse through the children. I have support from Women’s Aid and advice from a solicitor which has helped me cope. All the advice here is really helpful so thank you to everyone who has replied. I’m not sure how long you have been dealing with this and how much support you have had but I hope you can keep reaching out for advice and emotional support. The Women’s Aid helpline and this forum are great and I’ve recently spoken to the National Harassment and Stalking helpline too. Just general self care and wellbeing stuff has also helped give me a focus as taking care of myself is a way of making sure I’m as strong as I can be for the children. Nobody else really understands what’s it’s like so that isolation can also fuel the anxiety. So just keep in touch with us all here. I’ve found reading stuff really helpful. Lundy Bancroft’s book When Dad Hurts Mum is very insightful too.

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