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This topic contains 26 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Iwantmeback 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #70104
     Wildness 
    Participant

    I’ve been drawn back in to the games again by my kids dad, he attempted suicide and then turned up got the two teens wrapped and all round him. Was muddling along ok but it’s all started up as I expected! Anyway the police were called as he went to slap my eldest and I intervened resulting the doors been smashed etc. Police came moved him on I didn’t wanna press charges as the whole past experience put me off for life and they said a report have to go into the mash team. Will social services become involved again and will I lose my kids? The kids keep letting him to the house whilst I’m at work etc

  • #70107
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    No of course you wont,it’s him who’s being physically abusive, they will see him as unstable. The kids may listen more if a court order is in place to keep him away from the house. Remember he will play the martyr and try and blame you. It’s a hard one but the best thing you can do is educate your kids on gas lighting as this is what he’s doing. Teach them about manipulation and coercive control. Your not turning them against their father your then equping them with the simple truth xx diy 💕 💕 💪

  • #70108
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Equipting teaching might be a better word xx

  • #70130
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    You won’t lose your children, he’s the one who’s unstable, you’re protecting your children, you are doing an amazing job, don’t think your not💜.i agree with DIY, teach your children about abuse, gaslighting, manipulating. I’m sure there are age appropriate books available now. Don’t even say, daddy’s sick, he’s not, he’s wicked and will try anything to get you back into his life, feeding off your fear and terror. The children aren’t big enough or educated enough to stop him coming in, they still act on feelings, rather than thinking through and then acting. That only comes with maturity and the school of hard knocks.
    You’ve got this.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70142
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    So sad that women so strongly believe and experience that children are removed rather than feeling confident that intervention by authorities will ensure the perp is stopped!!!!

    I am so upset and angry about this on a regular basis the social services let women and children down repeatedly.

    Poor children taken away instead of perp…how does the perp still get priority over children and mother being supported to get free and move on.

    It sounds like you are doing everything you can.

    You have done nothing but try to protect, well done you! You out yourself in the line of fire to protect your children. Shame you cant, same as may of us, feel confident in authorities.
    Warmest wishes ts

  • #70143
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    *put

  • #70144
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Your in the driving seat don’t let emotions and what’s expected from society ie keeping family together at all costs. That’s because in this instance you have to go at most supervised contact. He will turn them against you if you don’t, that is exactly what happened to me, I never saw it coming mainly though being blind sided into keeping everyone happy, especially him . Wish I could rewrite history xx I’m 2 and a half decades on xx diy 💕 💕 💪

  • #70146
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    If you need any written advice I can send you the stuff I used to prove emotional abuse. Xx 💕 💕

  • #70147
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    He is actually stalking your home on reading that back xx

  • #70158
     Popilol 
    Participant

    Mash will ask lots of questions and contact schools etc. Be open with them and tell them what has been going on. They will only send it to be assessed if they believe children are in danger. They only remove children if the parent/parents are not acting protectively. This may mean pressing charges and having no contact, but it is for the child’s welfare. It’s a shame that men are not forcibly removed like children are. You have to do what is right by the children at the end of the day.

  • #70159
     Popilol 
    Participant

    Social workers are trained in domestic abuse, some are better than others though. They understand abusing behaviour and gaslighting, coercive behaviour, control etc. Use them for advice and listen to what they say. Hopefully it won’t have been referred to mash but most cases are.

  • #70160
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I hope I’m not pushing this topic too far;but what are the reasons behind the preps being awarded custody? That might be me being ignorant, I’m starting to think mayb I was just lucky? I did gather lots of evidence got back up and the contact was stopped. One instance I am aware of is when ss tell the mother to get the dad away and they go back. Just wondering ? Xx 💕 💕 DIY

  • #70161
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I’m planning on going into this field as a trauma therapist. I’ve wondered if it due to trauma bonding and how misunderstood this is? Or because women are in the FOG? They’re maybe not able to represent themselves or put themselves over to health professionals? I suppose there maybe too many senarios to really explore this subject xx

  • #70163
     Popilol 
    Participant

    Every scenario is different but there are obvious patterns. When you are out of the situation and the fog begins to lift, things are seen differently. I think it’s still very new and there is a lot more training needed for social services and general police. With a deep understanding of how women feel and why they stay, how can social workers make informed decisions? Saying that, children’s services are all about the children and what an adult wants really doesn’t really come in to consideration if it’s going to damage the child.

    • #70278
       Wildness 
      Participant

      Hi,
      I actually was under a therapist who told me she thinks me and the the kids are trauma bonded 😢I’m so used to the highs the lows I’m almost immune. I know I need to stay strong but it’s so hard as sometimes I just fall back in pattern as easier deal with all the Aggro. She also told me to read around codependency as he abuses alcohol and drugs and his family are all dysfunctional and no one helps or bothers with him. He also makes me feel like I’m responsible for him it’s all on me if he kills himself or drinks to much it’s constantly there back my mind. Part me hates him part me believes he needs me 😢yet he hurts me all the time and I enable his behaviour x

  • #70170
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I’m the same I think far more in depth training is needed. As far as ss goes they can’t remove children from the care of the mother if she goes no contact. They try there best to keep mother and child together. It looks like if the mother puts that child at risk again the same social worker can stand against her in court. Where’s the support there? I know ss are very stretched, but the whole situation is so uncalled for and worse misunderstood. There has to be some intervention somewhere in between xx 💕 DIY ✌

  • #70176
     Popilol 
    Participant

    It’s not that the social worker goes against the mother, the social worker will give their honest opinion based on their training and professional judgment. They may well support the father returning as long as steps are in place to protect the child and the mother is acting protectively.
    I think a lot more work needs to be done helping women understand the damage the men do and helping women see that hey are being abused. Social workers need to look beyond the child and work with the mothers more, guide them and take them to appointments to ensure they go. How many times have women said they can’t go to freedom programme meetings as they can’t get out the house to go? What if a social worker took the women? Said to the women to tell their partners they were at a social services meeting instead? What if social workers took women to solicitors to discuss mortgages and orders, so that the women would have an excuse them to give their husbands? There’s so much more they could do if budgets and funding werent restraining them.

  • #70179
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Maybe they need to create a new role all together to assist women, especially to get through the the different phases. I know womens aid are great at what they do so I don’t want to not give them credit when it’s due. I’m sure women who have gone through this are the best equipt to help. Like advocates? Xx there’s no easy solution especially with cuts in funding. Xx 💕 DIY ✌ sister suffragettes 💪

    • #70279
       Wildness 
      Participant

      I agree I left my home fled with the kids the kids fall for his games. We have to talk as I have a mortgage still with him takes a life time to break away. I don’t think you can ever be free of your abuser when you have kids and mortgages etc. He uses money as leverage when I’m struggling I have to be nice in order for him to help me financially with kids as been times I’ve had no electric food gas and he knows this x

  • #70181
     Popilol 
    Participant

    I will look into this. I think there is a gap for women in care and support. You are right, there is a role that needs to be made here. Mmmm… new job for me perhaps?

  • #70183
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    The mother put them at risk?! Shouldn’t that say that say the abuser abusing?

    Mothers that are being abused are being abused af part of that abuseis being gaslighted and indoctrinated into false beliefs and fears for their lives and lives of their children which keeps them ‘having’ to maintain contact and clearly those that count in authority still dnt get that.

  • #70184
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I’m definitely going to go in this direction, obviously I want to earn a wage but for women who really need trauma therapy I will offer free help. I’m about to give up my career but I feel so passionate about this. Women united I think is the only way to make a difference xx 💕 DIY ✌ sister suffragettes 💪

  • #70187
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Not all social workers have a clue how to deal with an abuser. They also get gaslighted and manipulated, so much so that they’ll help him more than the woman. The one social worker should NEVER be allowed to deal with both parents especially in domestic abuse cases. Children should always be believed, I’m tired of those supposed to be looking out for the child’s interests, blaming the mother of putting words in the children’s mouths, punishing her for going back to him and then removing the children fir their best interests, allowing him access, overnight visits. Once abuse is apparent, the abuser should lose all rights to seeing and manipulating and abusing them and his ex partner.

  • #70191
     Popilol 
    Participant

    One social worker has to work with both parent, how would they get the full
    Picture if they don’t? Kids quite often say what they are told to say, so a social worker is constantly battling to find the truth. Many women cover for the men, yes I understand why they do this, but a social worker has a duty to protect the child. If the parents are not protecting the child and the child is at risk of being harmed the law is in place to remove children.

    The mother can put a child at risk by not protecting the child from abuse from the father (or visa versa of course). Mamy women choose the man over the child and they have the child removed. There’s clearly not enough help there for women from social services. But they are there to protect the children.
    Honestly, this is where children’s services and adult services are so screwed up. They should be united to help the family. Unfortunately we end up with children’s services on our backs whose only agenda is to make sure the child is ok. Adult services would ensure that the mother is also
    Ok.

  • #70192
     Popilol 
    Participant

    I’m not trying to get anyone’s backs up. My ex is an abuser. My previous ex was an abuser. I just know how social services work, and I find it all so wrong yet I can see why they do what they do.

    I agree 100% that abusive men should loose rights to their kids. How can a man have a non mol order against him for abuse, be charged with violence and still be allowed to see the children so he can continue the abuse on the mother via the child??? It’s just so d**n wrong on every level!!

  • #70195
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Womens aid are campaignin for this that the men should be held responsible. It’s in their recent bill. They’re fighting but I think it might be a long time coming. It would actally take an up rise to do it. Ie relentless campaigning xx

  • #70286
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    This is a very good topic, it shows just how much all the services need to work together and for there to be a better understanding of the different types of abuse in a family unit. The only people qualified to do this are those who have survived an abuser. It’s up to us to show how an abuser works, how the’ victim’ isn’t always downtrodden wee woman scared of her own shadow. It’s time visual campaigns showed women in high earning jobs ie, Dr, lawyer, judge, even. Time to break the stereotype.
    @popilol, it’s a fraught subject, but you didn’t get anyone’s back up, we just get emotionally carried away sometimes when something is so strongly important to us.
    We are the teachers of the next generation, let’s stamp this curse out once and for all. Hopefully within the next 3 generations
    IWMB 💕💕

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