Social services

[Rainbowdream]

So after my partner put my son in a dangerous situation I had to talk to my midwife for advice.
(detail removed by Moderator) later I have an IDVA, a home visit from social next week, I’ve been referred to a midwife team for vulnerable women to support me alongside my midwife.
I feel very grateful to have access to this support, its been a very rocky (detail removed by Moderator), lots of tears, doubts, backwards and forwards and anxiety.
I’ve kept all this from my partner as there’s a risk it will be the trigger that stops him punching walls and start punching or hurting us.
I’m so anxious about what’s going to happen at the risk assessment from social as they’ve already recommended I contact housing to get the ball rolling for me to leave.
It’s so scary. I’m terrified I’m going be left to cope with my (detail removed by Moderator) and a newborn all alone and i think my partners spent alot of years making me doubt my ability to be alone. I’m anxious to cook, I’m anxious the house isn’t clean, tidy or good enough. I doubt my ability to be a good parent to my child and the baby when they come.

I know there’s isn’t much point to this post, I guess I just need to rant a bit to try and figure this out. I kind of wish this wasn’t happening but I guess the whole reason it Is happening is because i want to keep my kids safe. I just feel so crazy, like I’m being ridiculous and he’s going to go mental when he finds out and he’s going to say it’s all in my head ect.
Any advice or input regarding the social worker visit and what to expect would be amazing.
Thankyou

[Eggshells]

Hi my lovely

I’m sorry I can’t give you any advice re social worker visit but I really would like to say how proud I am of you. Stepping into the unknown is really scarey and you’ve done it for the safety of your children. You are amazing.

I totally understand why you are nervous about coping being a single Mum but….

I honestly think that you’ll find everything easier with him than without him. He’ll be jealous of your children and regress to get your attention. If you stay with him it’ll be like having a third, very lazy, jealous and angry child in the house.

Please look up Gingerbread to find out how they can support you and ask your midwife if she knows of any charities that support new Mums. You might not be aa alone as you think. xx

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou, it is really scary. To be honest though this evening just helps reaffirm why I’m doing things. My child is copying things he says and ways he acts. But gets shouted at for it by my partner because it’s ‘rude and disrespectful’ yet he’s just copying his behaviour. As a young kid it must be so confusing for him.

And to be honest I don’t know if he’s lazy. It’s like he has ocd and everything needs to be perfect, amd nothings ever good enough. I’m anxious to cook because he’s basically stopped me cooking. It’s happened gradually in the years we’ve been together but Al of a sudden I realise I don’t cook amd I’m anxious to incase I get it wrong. It’s like he stripped me of the necessary life skills to be alone. But also makes me feel guilty for it. Like I never do enough.
You can’t win with him.

But yes, thankyou, I appreciate your advise. Things most definitely got worse after our first child and I cannot see him coping with another too. I’m scared he’ll hurt one of them because he loses his temper.

Thankyou, I will look into that now amd ask what else is available. Thanks alot

[Eggshells]

Sorry just re-read my post. It should say everything will be easier without him than with him. Abusers just make everything so much harder than it needs to be.

[Eggshells]

Taking away your life skills makes you more fearful of leaving. It may be partly his OCD but it will also be a deliberate tactic to erode your confidence.

In your own home you shouldn’t be fearful. If you’ve been so busy with the kids that the place looks like a bomb has dropped then that is normal and healthy. Sometimes you’ll feed them rubbish because you’re too tired to cook anything else – your kids will love it!

Good parenting is not about an immaculate house and perfect meals every day. Sometimes you just do what you can. As long as they are loved, healthy, safe and well nourished then that’s a really good place to start.

Try not to let the fears that he has instilled find a home in your head. They don’t belong there.

[Rainbowdream]

Thanks!
I’ve just been looking at gingerbread and I feel that information is going to be so helpful, I really appreciate you suggesting it!
Yeah I guess without the anxiety of what will happen when he walks through the door everything might be a bit calmer. And I’ll go back to being a bit more laid back and relaxed about things.
Thanks for your help tonight I appreciate it

[Watersprite]

Hi you have been given such great advice by eggshells in reality you probably look after your child single handed anyway and abuse makes every part of life parenting harder you will be amazed at what you can do by yourself he has just stripped your confidence it will slowly come back away from him. Re social services it is excellent you have support and you have been so brave and a protective mother. Social services and police came to mine unannounced at first and it took me a while to trust them but the social worker got it and got us out.
Wouldn’t be here otherwise. So try and breath be as open as you want and and lean on the support. They will understand you want to protect your children but are scared. I didn’t say anything at all to him about all the services contact whilst they worked with me to escape.honestly a home without him is wonderfully normal no one is afraid x

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou for this!!
I was worried that they would turn up at my door eventually. My son has started imitating behaviour and becoming more aggressive. When he starts nursery I’m not sure how he’ll manage.
Hopefully everything works out okay.
I’m glad things have become calmer and safer for you, that gives me hope!

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

Its scarey being with them, scarey trying to separate, scarey actually leaving and scarey after not knowing what they are doing as you don’t see them and have got used to functioning in a way of always considering them.

…but, if you can keep up the positive steps despite the scarey you will keep walking towards a safer and happier future for you all.

Do let the playgroup know that he is demonstrating aggressive behaviour and needs but firm but gentle boundaried and advising not to copy others that are aggressive.

Every mum I suspect will at some point have to approach carers/teachers over behaviour and management. Its important to be as open as you can with others over this so that they can tailor their maangement of your children appropriately and keep communications open. You can say he’s learning it from his father, or someone in the family, so that they catch it while he’s young. Hopefully the early years setting will be a good opportunity for him to emulate better hehaviours and see things differently.

warmest wishes

ts

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou,
Yeah fortunately I trust his childminder alot and am able to have open communication with her about everything regarding him. However approaching this with a larger nursery setting is going to be tricky. But hopefully I’ll be able to get some info from social on what I cam do to help him with his behaviour. Thankfully I’ve worked with children with challenging behaviour before so have alot of tactics and methods to deescalate calmly but I so feel its different with your own kids.

I am also hoping this setting will be a great space for him to thrive and to release alot of the anxieties his dad has given him already.

Fingers crossed things will get better and calmer for us, but I actually have to tell him first what’s happening and that’s going to be so scary. I have no idea how he’s going to react or if I can even do it. A huge part of me is so doubtful of myself, my decisions and my abilities to be a single parent and still really struggling to actually acknowledge the situation properly as everytime I try to, I breakdown.

Thanks for your advice

[Twisted Sister]

thats cool, and will they pass on his ‘record’ to the new setting? This will be helpful for you both, so I hope they will.

It all sounds very positive. Well, as positive as anything can be under these circumstances you’re all in right now.

[Bananaboat]

I found the nursery more supportive than the childminder, they’ve more resources available to them. In just a few months since getting out I’ve gone from being called in because of my son’s behaviour to being told how lovely he is now. It’s amazing how much this all impacts them, but also how resilient they are in new surroundings x

[Author]

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