Social services and the perpetrator how did it work?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Ss have got to (detail removed by moderator), it’s not decided how it will be done or the outcomes but suggestions are he will have to (detail removed by moderator).

What’s the likely hood of this happening, I don’t think he will admit it to be honest.

If he agrees will he have to (detail removed by moderator), how does this work?

If you have been in this situation and have advice I would appreciate it.

Thanks

CB 💕

[Moonlit Night]

To be honest not many perpetrators complete the available courses as they don’t want to be considered the perpetrator and they can’t be forced to.

Some do as they want to learn new behaviours … also some complete it as they want it to be documented they they are working towards meaningful change. SS (and any judge) would look favourably at this.

SS can suggest he leaves, suggest you ask him to in order to safeguard the children from witnessing domestic abuse. He doesn’t ‘have’ to.

SS want meaningful change, so as they assess and talk to the children change becomes apparent, or not. Unless he is deemed as a significant risk living there.

What status are you? Assessment, child protection, child in need?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Oh goodness this doesn’t sound fair?

Basically leaves it all up to the survivor to fix this?

At assessments stage. Very early on and petrified about them speaking to him, he will know where it’s come from and obviously this won’t end well for me.

Part of me wishes I had try to fix things another way, I only wanted support, someone to advise me and everything has gotten so crazy so quickly I feel I have no say.

I didn’t make the referral it was local WA I know the children come first but surely my safety should matter too.

[Moonlit Night]

It sounds scary, I know, but you are safer now that this is out in the open.

Do you have a DA worker who can advocate for you?

You should have support if you want and need him to leave. The social worker will talk to him. Many men are advised (not ordered) to leave in order to safeguard the children, and do. I guess it depends on the status of your relationship. Some women refuse this and insist they stay.

SS will always want the child to remain with the safer parent so you need to be safe, so ensure you express your fears to the social worker. Get the advice and support you need.

I know it feels scary but you have done the right thing.

[Moonlit Night]

As you’re in assessment, it means just that – they are assessing the situation, much is unknown at present.

In my local authority it’s 9 weeks for a full child and family assessment.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I really wish that he didn’t need to be approached, I have DA worker and will call them tomorrow to tell them how I feel.

I do want change, but I only reached out a few weeks ago it’s all going so fast and I am not ready I need time to get things in place and my head and anxiety is all over the place.

Perhaps I should just except what’s happening as I might never move forward otherwise, so scary.

As you say it’s assessment at the moment and might not amount to much and it’s support after all.

So easy to tell yourself you’re overreacting or dumb things down rather than face things.

Thanks for your replies very helpful

[Moonlit Night]

They need to talk to him but, my goodness, how terrifying this is for you, how can you not be fearful of his reaction!?

If you can accept it this will help with your anxiety levels, though it’s normal to feel anxious – this is massive! I’m hoping you have some coping mechanisms for stress to self soothe.

This is the start of the change that you need.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I just can’t see how this will help? Only aggravate things did this happen to you if so how did it go?

SW said it will be after the weekend as knew it may be difficult, she’s not sure how it’s going to be done either.

[Bananaboat]

My reply probably won’t help but just wanted to be honest. The second my social worker told me they’d want to speak to my partner and my older child’s dad too I shut the process down, for same reasons as you it petrified me and I felt it opened me up to his anger, plus I didn’t want my previous ex knowing things either about my life. It’s especially hard when we’ve been living in silence, hiding all the abuse from the world, to let anyone in.

The social worker was lovely and explained my choices and the help available, including that they can choose to proceed if they feel it’s needed. My now ex never knew I’d got this far, his attitude and digs about calling the police were nasty enough. That said, there were often times I wished I’d stuck with the social worker process for that support, and actually it might’ve bought things to an end much earlier and with that protection! I know it’s scary but you’re not alone x

[Watersprite]

CB understand why you are frightened and also you have lost control of yet another thing and now you are in a process it can be brutal. First thing – you won’t lose your children as you are the protective parent but I would be open and work with SS. They will and should put the safety of your children first. Tell your sw you are worried about them speaking to him. Police and SW spoke to my ex and they got us out and safe. The SW was amazing. My ex didn’t let her see me by myself but she didn’t give up and we got away. Risks at this time do go up so be prepared with safety plan and flee if you need. Safety first. Keep posting – as hard as it is it is hopefully the beginning of better – takes time. Take care x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you watersprite I think if I can hear some positive outcomes it will help all I can focus on is what he will think.

You’re Spot on about control and been thinking yet again my life is being controlled.

I guess what I always focus on what he thinks, he takes up all of my headspace and sadly I do love him and feel I have gone behind his back, which I have. Very guilty feeling.

Just can’t see past this point and wanted to prepare myself. I fell to pieces when I separated last time, trauma bonds I’m guessing and fear this too I don’t know how to cope with it all.

I’m a strong person but feel so weak.

CB x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you for sharing bananaboat. I don’t think I have a choice not to proceed as the referral is possibly 3rd or 4th time so Ss need to proceed. That said they are trying hard to support and are working with DA support person.

I’m just so scared of his reaction.

I’m also panicking about the marriage ending too so many emotions, finding this traumatic wishing I could turn the clocks back. I’m just not prepared and no exit plan as such feel like I’m being dropped in it.

CB X

[Lisa]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,

Understandably you are feeling overwhelmed, and experiencing many conflicting emotions now that services are involved and taking action.

Perhaps have a conversation with your local WA worker and let them know how anxious these proceedings are making you and how you feel matters have been taken out of your control. They are trained also to understand that women will and do feel this way, once professionals get involved and actively take part. Hopefully they can reassure you, keep you very much at the centre of what is happening and what decisions are being made, so you feel a part of the whole process and as prepared as possible.

I can see all the very helpful replies and understanding others have expressed here for you. It is not an easy process, and you need to feel comfortable and assured about any steps taken by services. I hope when you communicate your anxiety to your local service, they can help alleviate the worries you have on some level.

Keep posting here, letting us know how you are. You are not alone in this.

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hello CB

I completely understand as does everyone who’s been through this, how much you would fear his reaction.

Its his reaction that often prevents any of this process happening and thats the point isn’t it that we are scared, and they pose risk to us, especially when they are being exposed.

You have my utter sympathy with this. This does show to you exactly how awful his impact on you has been, and continues, to be.

Alert whoever you need to, and do whatever you need to do to keep safe.

If you are very worried about increased risk to you all, don’t hesitate to act, and have you be given support with how to keep yourselves safe through this time? Keeping your phone on you at all times in case you need to urgent dial the police for instance? Having a one-touch police contact dial set up? Making sure you have a flag on your number/address with the police? He can be removed and remanded on bail to not return if necessary.

Horrible feeling to have this taken out of your hands in the way it is.

warmest wishes

ts

[Marmalade]

Similar to what others have said, I also am shuddering at the lack of control you have here. You have gone from control by him to control by external agencies.
In this case it looks to me like SS are going to poke the wasps nest and then leave so you deal with the consequences. Your social worker should have thought that through, carefully planned it and worked through repercussions, not saying to you she is not sure about how it is going to be done. That is just worrying for you.
There are ways of handling it. She could approach it in a way that would not make him think the referral came from you. She should be planning a way that is supportive.
If there were any serious child protection issues then they would need to act, but at the moment it just looks like an assessment.
If I was you I would be ringing my DA support worker for advice. I would also look at getting advice from one of the helplines that assist families who have SS involvement in their lives. They can tell you your rights and give advice.
One other thing. I see someone replied suggesting a flag on your address with the police. Just to say my understanding is you can only get one of these if an offence is reported to the police. They then do a risk assessment and if they deem you high risk they can flag your address and phone to prioritise should you call 999. They wouldn’t flag you without the report of a crime.
Best of luck with this one. You are in a v difficult situation

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Marmalade

It was me who suggested she speak to the police to get her address flagged, because of increased risk of domestic abuse, which is what she is now experiencing, and what SS are investigating. To not place a marker on her address as she is under increased risk at this point when the perpetrator is approached is to deny the abuse, in denying the abuse and not placing a marker would be the police upping her risk even further.

Are you sure about the assertion you made? In this instance CB is needing protection more than ever now. It is widely acknowledged that this is a time of increased risk and I can’t see why they wouldn’t place a marker on her address if she needed to call them to explain her circumstances.

[Marmalade]

Twisted Sister
I have a marker on my address and phone. It is also on my children’s phones as they are linked to my address. The police told me that they only place these on once they are involved investigating a report, they have done a DASH questionnaire and they are satisfied that I am high risk. Even then there is a graded scale of risk so not all markers are equal. There are levels of urgency. In my area a person can not ring the police and ask for a marker and obtain one without a professional high risk assessment first.
I did say, and I quote “my understanding is” as that is what I am aware happens in my area from my personal experience with the police.
It may be the case that if there has been a MARAC multi agency meeting and that a designation has been made of high risk then that is another avenue but again that request for a marker would come from that meeting or be requested by a social worker etc after a high risk assessment has taken place.

[Twisted Sister]

I am sorry to hear your experiences Marmalade and hope you are all safe.

Yes, like you say, areas differ and perhaps thats the difference that I am speaking of.

warmest wishes

ts

[Watersprite]

How are you doing CB? Just wanted to say police flagged our address BEFORE reported so it definitely can be done. Think it happened through multi-agency safeguarding hub and MARAC meetings as at that point I was too afraid to speak to police. Social services involvement means it is likely to have gone through MASH already. However not sure if that happens in all areas. Speak to your IDVA and SW about it CB but it was protective for us. Biggest focus needs to be on you tho CB looking after your well-being so you can look after your kids and getting support to ride this process so life can get better xx

[Watersprite]

Actually I’ve remembered social worker did it on one address IDVA did it on later addresses. Does depend on their risk assessment as to if they do flag but if you are afraid tell them xx

[StrongLife]

Would like to say I , in the distant past was faced with this. Initially it was different and difficult but it panned out in the end.

It continues to pan out.

I feel for you, this part is frightening and confusing.

Please make sure you have lawyer or legal aid.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Lots of advice from you all thank you.

Just to update you, social worker rang even though (detail removed by moderator). I did not disclose and have worked out how to deal with this with DA support.

I explained this situation to DA Support worker as I was scared. She’s advised me how to approach this and identified his controlling behaviour regarding me receiving this call, which I’m just used to and now can see. I’m sure I just except many behaviours from him without knowing it and sure this may well explain my constant anxiety which I don’t always relate to him.

Regarding contact with him from social services. Nothing will happen just yet as (detail removed by moderator). For safety it’s been agreed.

Support worker DA has been advocating for me and is very good she explained that the referal must come from another direction this is also agreed with social worker now.

I’m feel better having discussed with DA support worker who explained that I am the safe parent and have sought support. That social services should support me in whichever decision I make stay, leave etc. I said it felt out of control, that I wasn’t making decisions and moving fast. She reassured me she was there to advocate and whatever I choose she is there. But if I choose to leave or separate from him she will be there also again advocating when necessary.

In the meantime I should use her support to learn how to cope, understand his behaviour and go from there.

I feel better than before knowing this.

DA Support covered safety and what I should do if he kicks off once the social worker gets in touch.

However I am aware right now, that this maybe the calm before the storm, and I’m having floods of panic and emotions still but I’m coping now, just.

Thank you for all your support as always means a lot.

Best wishes

CB x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi CB

An amazing update, and I am so glad to hear that you are now feeling fully in touch with services and they are listening to your fears, listening to those and making sure that informs their approach.

This is incredibly hard but you sound now like you do feel part of this process and supported in it. Good DV worker support is key to leading you safely through this process.

All power to you, as its so hard to take that leap of faith, and I hope that you will come to see a lot more of his behaviours to control you now, as once seen its very hard to unsee and they become so ingrained and normal for us, and like you say, you end up just feeling so anxious and not knowing why. YOu put that so well.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lisa]

Hello Chocolatebunnie,

I’m glad to hear that your DA worker has gone through some safety planning with you in regards to this, it’s concerning if the involvement of social services feels to be escalating your risk.

Please do remember that in any incident of immediate threat or danger, to call 999 for police support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you Lisa for your replies, just waiting now for it to happen and see what his reaction is but glad there’s support from DA worker, she’s has been really great.

Everyone on here has helped me get through this so far all been lovely x

[Footballfan1]

Chocolatebunnie,

Wow you have achieved so much.
Please feel proud of yourself.
You sound so focused and in tune with what you and your children are getting in terms of support.

You have a good support network in terms of social services and domestic abuse team.
Lean on this support .
Contact them whenever you need advice even if you believe it a minor thing.

At (detail removed by moderator), I text my IDVA with a problem I thought she wouldn’t be bothered about, I didn’t expect a reply.
Her reply was so lovely, and helpful, it made me cry how she understood what was troubling me even though I struggled to express it xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Footballfan1 I can relate to what you’re saying I’m glad you found support in DA worker it’s empowering being listened to and it’s a lonely place to be in a relationship as we have experienced. As you say you thought it was a little thing and wasn’t likely to receive a response but was that you dumbing things down, your gut reaction was asking for the help.

I really don’t feel good about things at the moment maybe in time. Just guilt and panic, that I’ve overreacted and getting him into trouble of course you can guess he’s being very nice so everything now feels like a blur, anything he has done. But I keep reminding myself of my gut feelings and how my nerves are bad, nhow he takes up all my headspace.

I will definitely use the support, it has felt amazing speaking with DA support her approach is different to the others I had in the past, she’s a direct no messing about kinda person. I need that, it works and she’s told me some ways she can help me. I’m just so scared I won’t leave, I feel I need to be pushed or shocked, told to do it then I would. Just feel like I’m overreacting to his behaviour or dumb it down.

I’m sure something he does will
Soon change this again and I do understand the cycle and the chemistry involved. I’m just so used to putting up with it. Decades. Like only few days ago was taking drugs, not much like in the past but that’s me dumbing it down, he was drunk at home doing this. Younger kids in bed, me in bed, older kids about. It’s wrong, I know and I hate it. My reaction is always, I’m angry upset then it’s forgotten again. I don’t express my anger to him. I think Another women would just get rid. His behaviour then knocks my confidence as I feel like an unfit mum. But it’s partly why I don’t leave as I’m able to keep kids safe, as example next day he’s thinking he’s sober and wants to take kids out in the car. I was able to say no and told him why. If he has kids if we separate then this is what I fear. He’s not a good role model, feeds them whatever they ask for and us on his phone most of the time. He does take them out doing nice things and reads then stories and is very loving with them. I then feel bad for taking this from my kids if I leave. He isn’t that great with the older ones lots of damage there emotionally.

Thanks for your reply

CB X

[Footballfan1]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,

The guilt and panic are natural feelings.
It’s difficult to get your head around.

You put up with things for too long, you haven’t made a big deal out of it.
What you and the children are going through is serious abuse.
Lean on the support you are given, talk about your fear, guilt and panic.
Over time, it will lessen.
You can’t move on and heal and process what is happening until after you leave the abusive situation.
For the time being, I hope your support worker gives you advice and support on how to deal with your feelings.

It’s normal to have bad times, but remember good times always follow.
You have a lot to live for, to fight for.
Take comfort from the knowledge you are a fantastic mum.
Think about the future you and the children will have.

I watched a programme called uncovering intimate partner abuse.
It’s made me realise how much we minimise abuse, and the abusers act so much like a victim, it’s scary how believeable they are.
I’ve been feeling sorry for my ex so much so, it was affecting me I wasn’t sleeping over my guilt.

Watching this, and also because ex has done something small, non issue but very calculated and sly, it’s made me realise that I really should not be feeling sorry for him.
Do they care about the children witnessing the abuse?
Do they care about the mental health issues they could be causing in the kids?
No.
My ex has not asked once how the kids are, he doesn’t care about their wellbeing.
He only cares about his problems, his sorrow.
Crocodile tears and not remorse is all they have.
X

[StrongLife]

He called social workers in who found nothing wrong. He called welfare checks over and over to attempt everything- finally just taking kids when he couldnt use those resources.

The welfare checks reveled nothing – just house ok.

Just be careful.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Stronglife this sound awful for you to have gone through.

I hope things have worked out ok for you now.

It’s my fault that ss are involved he doesn’t know yet. Any day now he will find out about it, not looking forward to it but excepting it has to be done.

As you experienced, I’m also worried about how he will present and his he will describe me.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Update is confusing

Social worker assessment done, she says he was calm and polite, said kids were a bit tricky and denied he has problems, lied about drug and alcohol use and blamed it on me and my time of life.

SW said it was all commonly heard from perpetrators and I said our accounts are conflicting, her word he is lying.

But here’s the confusing bit after numerous referrals for DA to social services she decides case closed.

Can’t get hold of DA support worker left wondering what the point was in all if this?

Cb x

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