Solicitor letter arrived to him, he has gone psyco

[bunsandcakes]

So on (detail removed by Moderator) the solicitor sent my (detail removed by Moderator) agreement. He knew it was coming and I knew he would take it badly so I arranged to go to my mothers for a week. I had no idea HOW badly he would take it though. He has sent some vicious emails saying I AM THREATERNING HIM! HIM!!! with the letter and he is going to fight me for everything make sure I get nothing and not even my babies. I know its hot air and he wont win BUT I am absolutely terrified to go back home. For the sake of the kids I need to because they need stability and dont know what is going on as they are both very young. (detail removed by Moderator) I am so absolutely terrified. He wont hurt my physically but I am absolutely terrified of his anger and even his silence will be like 10000 knives to my soul now I know how much he hates me. The first thing he did was block me on facebook! I mean how old are we? 14? His mother who has been very supportive up until now has also cut me off, I sent her a nice email apologising for my decision and saying I didnt want to upset them all but didnt see another way and she didn’t reply, she SENT it to him and he then sent me another angry email saying I had to stop emailing him mother slagging me off!!

This last few days has been the worst of my life. When I feel like this I normally would run to him for love and support and now I dont even have that to go to. I know he was abusing me emotionally and verbally for years but its weird I feel lost without him now he has cut me off. Its like he died or someone cut off my arms or something. Im trying to be normal for the kids but I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. I am so exhausted. I know leaving is the right thing to do in the long term, but I didnt expect leaving to be SOOOO horrifically painful. WHY has he chosen to fight me the whole way? HE was the one who said he didnt love me etc. So why does he want me to stay?! Why is he shocked I am leaving after all the things he has said to me?! I just feel confused, exhausted and utterly sad.

[KIP.]

This is the most dangerous time for women. My abusers behaviour badly escalated when I told him I was divorcing him. I tried to stay away but he assaulted me one day when I returned to the house. He was arrested. Expect all sorts of abuse now. Financial, emotional, physical. He is losing control and you will see a real nasty side. He will play the victim and try to turn everyone against you. You know he is an abuser so expect abusive behaviour. I would move out and find somewhere else or get a non molestation order and get him removed. Keep all emails and texts for evidence. I recorded the assault too. The gloves are really off now. Have no pity. Decide what you want/are entitled to and stick to it. I wasted thousands on solicitors letters. Waste of money. The court will need to sort out things now x you are grieving the end of your relationship, it’s bound to be painful but this will pass x

[bunsandcakes]

Im still unclear on the difference between solicitors VS courts. (Detail removed by Moderator) He says I have nothing to back up my claims to the kids etc but I know I would win if it went to court but I hope to save everyones money and hearts in the process by avoiding it.

[KIP.]

You will each have a solicitor to represent your interests. Hopefully, you can both reach an agreement over the separation. If this cannot happen then you or him can take your case to court and the judge will decide how things are split. Court can be very expensive so most normal people will reach an agreement to save the cost and trauma of going to court. However, from my own experience and reading posts on here. Your ex will try and leave you with nothing, bully you. I tried to be reasonable but my money was wasted on solicitors letters. He did nothing but lie in his. Waste of money. So now I have no choice but to take him to court and let them settle things. He hid money, lied, cheated, lied under oath, in court documents. I’m telling you this to prepare you. They have no morals. They have no rules. They will use family, children, anyone they can. They will play the victim all the way. Stay strong and hold your ground x

[lover of no contact]

I have been through this too. It will pass..eventually. You have made the right decision for you and your babies. You are so brave. Confronting abuse is an ugly business (as he doesn’t want the abuse to end). You do want the abuse to end and so do your babies. They deserve to have a mum rearing them who is not abused.

Let him rant and rave. Let him use his anger to try and frighten you back into the abusive relationship. He is using his anger to control you. He has influenced his mum to join ranks with him in trying to push your fear button for attempting to free yourself from abuse. Forget her and her ignoring you. My mother-in-law did the same.

Keep posting for support. You have done brilliantly. Don’t mind him. He’ll be angry no matter what you do. In the relationship he’s angry and hostile. Out of the relationship he’s angry and hostile so might as well do what’s best for you and your babies.

Keep posting a lot on here these few days for our strength and support. Your decision to leave and your posts will help a lot of ladies on here too.

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks guys, it really does help knowing others have been though it before and come out the other side which feels 1000 miles away right now.

Is it normal to miss them? I miss them and keep thinking of all the ‘good times’ which I mentally have to slap myself out of because those were isolated between no help with the kids, belittling, shouting at me and the kids for things like having toys out – normal things. I cant stop myself though. I think its fear. The only thing making me happy now is viewing ‘future life houses’ and pretending Im shopping for the future. Its a bit crazy, I feel obsessed with doing it. Its just a distraction. Also Ive noticed that I’l be doing something and its like an out of body experience, I cant feel like Im actually there.. like playing with my kids I realise I zoned out today and felt guilty. I guess its shock or something.

[abcxyz]

Hugs to you and your children xxxx

[I am safe]

Hi.
I tried to divorce (removed by moderator) , after only a very short marriage & severe verbal, emotional,financial & sexual abuse. He became aggressive & angry & violent and went crazy, when my solicitor told him I was sending the petition & he piggy backed my solicitor & wrote many letters to them saying he had been “set up” his mother ranted at me how much he loved me, how he would give up the alcohol & go to counselling. Long story, but I went back. I had no family who I could stay with, would have had to go into a safe house. I had hope & believed the lies. (Removed by moderator) later,he’s completely broken me, left me with no strength of character penniless, fearful of my life, still abusing me by denying his abuse, making out he is the victim. He has been arrested, but denying the accusations. He’s still indirectly abusing me, & playing mind games & lying to his & my solicitor & the police. My advice is, please dont be at all tempted to go back, get out now, even for a moment, however hard it is now, you will get through the this. If you are in fear of him now, it will only get worse. Read up & reaserch as much as you can about abuse & try & un attach your emotional bond with him. If an acquaintance treated you this way, it would be unacceptable. A loving caring responsible man, would not treat you this way. You are stronger than you know right now. Keep a record of everything & speak to your GP/nurse practitioner, see friends and family & research abusive n**********c behaviour. I have lots of links if you would like me to share them, it helps make sense of it all. Take great care of yourself & your children & stay safe.

[bunsandcakes]

Its so painful. My solicitor gave him 14 days to reply. He didnt. We are still living together and its hell. He is so foul to me daily its crushing. (detail removed by moderator) He won’t let me watch TV because I didn’t buy it.

I pray this is over soon.

[KIP.]

Hi, you cannot live with an abuser while trying to divorce him. It won’t work. We minimise the abuse as it’s become our normal but these are very dangerous times for you. I wasted time and money on a solicitor. Letters back and forth. It won’t work. I hope your solicitor knows he’s an abuser. Cut to the chase and go straight to court. They don’t do negotiation. He will punish you for this. I had to involve the police, he was arrested. Then the courts to convict and keep him away. Don’t let it get to that point. All less than a month after I went to a solicitor. It’s an awful way to live and they will drag it out. Mine even wrote to say we could live together meantime!! He wants you around to abuse you. He’s not agreeing to anything. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he thinks the way you do. Mine emptied the bank account, started telling everyone that would listen how it was all my fault, I was stealing, I was cheating. All the things he was doing. Make plans to leave because he won’t X and call the police the first sign of violence. Get him removed. Record his abuse and get a non molestation order. Watch out X stay safe X

[bunsandcakes]

He has told everyone its all me already. I am waiting on a move date to get out but its taking time. I can’t cope with all his abusive words… Saying I’m a CNT a lazy cow etc in front of my kids. I am considering a refuge but I dont want it to get to that point as it will be very upsetting for the kids.

[Tuppance]

I just want to send you a huge hug. My husband isn’t nearly as bad as yours but I understand exactly how you feel. We are trapped by the love for our children – not wanting to hurt them but dying inside from the hellish home life we live. I am going to contact women’s aid this week to see what additional local support I can get – have you tried this at all? Xx

[Suntree]

Don’t go home under the idea that your kids need the stability. They won’t get it not there.
They will however pick up the tension and the issues and not understand.
He will probably use the emotions of the kids against you.
Honestly if I had listen to those who told me to get away from him when the kids were younger and let go of the idea of kids need a biological father no matter what that father was like. We (me and the kids) would be in a healthier and more stable place now.

I and my family wish we had just run when they were younger. It took me years to get away and even now we aren’t fully away from the abuse 🙁

If they are young it is easier for them to adjust and they will.

[Author]

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