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    • #138844
      Rosemary
      Participant

      After runing away from my ex partner it’s been months some of my children want to see the dad
      Some don’t. I had a non molestation order but that has ended. I think the next step for My children who want to see there dad would be a contact centre we can’t jut meet up in the streets because we are still at risk of domestic abuse does anyone have any advice because I don’t trust meeting up in the street pluse there was a non molestation involved even thoe that’s ended what does the law state going thought domestic abuse and for some of my children want to see there dad.i have womens aid involved to what is the best thing I can do ? I want to make this safe for my children. After runing away from domestic abuse I Don think we would be safe just meeting up with the dad also I stil feel anxious even seeing him it’s something I don’t want to do but I have to sort out something for my children. Any advice is much appreciated

    • #138845
      liftingthefog
      Participant

      Goodness what a difficult position that you are in.
      I’m afraid I have no experience of this where children are concerned but can understand completely why you would want those first meetings to be in a safe place. Is is worth contacting a social worker or Woman’s Aid to ask their advice on who you could liaise with to facilitate a Contact centre arrangement?
      Well done you for getting out of what must have been an awful situation.
      Hope you manage to successfully navigate this next step.
      x

    • #138849
      Rosemary
      Participant

      Thank you Goldenretrieveher thank you for careing
      I’ve got stress after stress it’s horrible thank you for advice I really appreciate it I will contact women aid or my social worker about a contact centre defiantly need a contact centre just to be safe .

    • #138852
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Rosemary

      Just wanting to add my support to you also, as thats a real challenge to manage, having the children who want to be in touch with their abusive father, your abusive partner, after all you’ve done in leaving to keep them safe.

      Please prepare them for the prospect that he may not want to go anywhere near a contact centre as he’ll feel labelled an abuser, and would probably have to bear some costs also. At least that would show them who their father is.

      Be very careful with contact centres also, I’ve heard some awful stories of abuse being continued in front of the supervisor, and it not being recognised or acknowledged, and noone has stepped in as they should.

      I think many still view purely physical assault as abuse, choose carefully and ask questions of the supervisors involved as to what they look for when supervising and judge for yourself whether they would pick up abuse.

      You have been on quite a journey and have come so far, its taken a lot of strength to get where you are, keep putting yourself first, yours and your childrens safety and peace in your lives.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #138893
      Rosemary
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your advice
      Twisted sister I really appreciate it so much
      I don’t understand why some of my children what to see there dad after all the heartache and abuse they went thought I now in life we forgive but we never forget . I don’t want the kids father in my life again his give me so much pain and heartache abuse sexyually abuse I don’t trust him I don’t even trust him with my kids when I was with him I was the one who brought my kids up he never care about them he always gave my children abuse physically and mentally it’s horrible.my children are suffering with mental health we have not got over what we went thought.
      I got that much stress going on I nealy called an ambulance out to my self .thank you for careing I really appreciate it

    • #138910
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Rosemary

      thank you for your reply, I totally understand what you’re saying, I hear you. It is soo very hard, and difficult to understand how a child wants to cling to an abusive father, the thing is, they often don’t really like them, as I’ve discovered through our experiences, but they still have a strong attachment which just developed because they are in their life from birth, literally just from being in the same house they attach, and when the relationship is volatile and harmful, their instinct is still to feel safer with them than without (or going against them).

      I know also, its their normal, this is how they’ve learnt to survive that this is just how it is in their life, and their attachment pulls them back, and thats without any of the emotional blackmail that often accompanies the abuse, that if you react against them, there’s the guilt piled on, and its just too much for a child to fight against a parent, and they will try every way possible to retain their attachment, even through the most awful sexual and physical, psychological and emotional abuse. Its devastating for them, but somehow they have to hold their lives together, like we’ve all done, until its safe to start to have realisations, and they may be too close to it all still, but as they grow and develop they will be exposed to other better and more boundaried relationships. Its good to have them spend time with other families that you know to have boundaries, it can be a real eye opener and shocker for them to see other families in action where the father is respectful and unabusive. I have used every opportunity I can to expose to other influences, better influences, and different horizons for a chance to see other ways of living. Obviously their own experiences are the biggest, and it make take a lifetime for them to recover, even films and books can help with this, talking about the things that come up in books/films, describing different ways to them, will open their thoughts to how odd and dangerous their own father was, they have to have something to measure it against. You are also that person, who doesn’t behave like them.

      Prioritise care, self-care, and encourage that for your children all, having lots of happy relaxed family time, popcorn in front of telly, and soothing bedtime routines with comforting stories. Reading to children is such a rewarding activity for both the reader and listener.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #139216
      Rosemary
      Participant

      Thank you Twisted sister I really appreciate all your love and support. I’ve looked after my children on my own as a single mother for a long while I am copeing very well . Its just the temporary accommodation is so horrible to live in me and my children hate it here it’s takeing so long to even get a house on my own paying storage prices and lauredrett is killing me so much. Is there anyone that can help me even get a house? I can’t carry on liveing the way I do its depressing.
      My kids farther will not leave me alone now his phoning my children I never wanted him to come back in to my life my anxiety is up in the air as well .I understand that my children want to talk to there dad even thoe they have been thought domestic violence I really feel on eggshells again its a horrible feeling .

    • #139238
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Rosemary

      You can remove your children’s phones. You probably should, for everyone’s safety, as it is extremely difficult to track your location through a phone, especially when they have the phone number.

      He will no doubt be showing them his best performance of emotional blackmail, and thats impossible for children to resist.

      This is what most services don’t seem to take account of, recognise, acknowledge, or understand, the deep and long-lasting damgae that is caused by this tactic alone. There’s a widespread refusal, or just ignorance, of who a perpetrator is, and that their tactics are who they are, they just adapt to each situation. In front of the police they are the ‘nice guy’, ‘the poor victim’, we know all this.

      Removing their phones is the only thing I can think of, as in Refuge, they should be having safety advice around sharing locations and speaking to perpetrators, and even possibly facetiming or zooming, all of which is just a finger-tap away.

      Your support worker would be your main contact point for your support needs, whatever they be, whether that be advocating for you, or offering support, or signposting to other appropriate services.

      Can you change your children’s phone numbers so that he can no longer call, and then hide their number so it doesn’t show if they want to call him? At least this way they can still call, if they want to, and do not give away their number so he can’t call them?

      I presume you are there because the perpetrator has not been removeed from the property he was abusing you in, I mean, thats not question for you to answer, but it would put the onus back on him and he would then have to face consequences for his abuses at least, and you would all be homed.

      Can you look into securing help from your support worker to get him removed and orders put in place to stop him coming anywhere near your area? I have heard on the news recently that women in our situation can be armed with ‘Smart Water’. Its a harmless spray, so if a perpetrator comes near the victim can permanently mark them with the spray, just a squirt of harmless water, is all the forensic evidence required to enforce a non-molestation order for instance. This I’m sure will help protect many women who don’t want to become homeless because of their abusive partner.

      Do keep reaching out; I know how hard it is, and I found it really helps to be out as much as possible, especially if you can get to some green areas to just relax and unwind even for 10 mins or so, it gives mind and body a break, you all need that. x

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #139239
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      *easy (its extremely easy to track a phone, not ‘difficult’!) sorry to mislead or confuse there!

    • #139311
      Rosemary
      Participant

      Thank you Twisted sister for careing Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it I will get some of this spray water it’s a good idea . Some of my children want to see there dad there dad phones them up but what’s getting me down because my kids dad always wants to talk to me but I don’t want to talk to him .it really helps that I can talk on here because half of the time I feel lonely and I don’t now if I am comeing or going .
      Ev. My kids dad always wants to talk to me but I don’t want to I got rid of him once now his come back in my life . I’ve turned the locations off because I think my ex could track where we are because he has the phone number now I have to be careful If I had it my way I would not want him in my life or kids life because my life was better with out him .

      Thank you for your help I really appreciate it so much

    • #139319
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      you need yourown control back, which means changing their numbers and them calling him when ‘they’ want to, so he is no longer able to just call anytime and disrupt your days, and your children’s.

      Imagine also how this must feel for them, how confusing and upsetting for him to call them and then spend his time trying to speak to you. Thats very sad, for you all, but very hurtful for them as he’s using them as an excuse to get to you. Certainly not unusual for abusers to do this, but by changing their numbers you are takin gback control, so they call him when they want to,a nd he can’t call them. If you hide their numbers and the phones never go with them if they are with him, he willnever be able to mess with them.

      Also make it clear to your children that you make your own separate calls to him, and their calls are for them only. So if he starts asking they are to say goodbye if he’s finished talking to them, and then put the phone down.

      This can be the only way to keep him out of your life. You can do this, and keep your home safe from him.

      warmest wishes

      ts

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