This topic contains 36 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Tiffany 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #69892
     shine bright 2 
    Participant

    OK, so I’m going to sound really stupid. Please don’t judge me. I’ve started thinking abut new relationships. I met a guy at work he is just a friend, but it started me thinking.
    So, I am Muslim and went to a faith school. I know the mechanics of sex. I have four kids.. I must do. At home we Never talked about it. I been married to one man who I married in myate teens.
    I understand that there were some things that he did that was absolutely wrong. He raped me with an object and said its because having sex with me is like having sex with an object, one time I didn’t want sex with him cos he’d drunk alcohol. He got some (detail removed by moderator)  tied my hand and feet… Like a chicken or turkey. I don’t remember much else other than being really really cold because I had no clothes and he kept me this was while he smiles and ate… I know this is totally wrong.
    The police from before was saying that any sex without consent is rape. I don’t really understand that because you don’t always say yes. But she said if u are crying or u say no in any way or u show u are not happy it’s rape, but I thought this is just what men do.
    He used to have sex withe me even when I was breast feeding… I feel so ashamed of this.. So I guess it must be abnormal. I used to pretend in my head that me and the baby was on a train journey and the motion was the train taking us somewhere nice.
    He did this as the other kind of sex. I’m not sure if lots of people like this or if maybe he is not attracted to women? Do lots of men like this or enjoy that it hurts u?
    He told me that if he doesn’t get sex when he needs it he will get ill. Of course I don’t really believe this but he was convinced. That’s not right is it. I’m sure someone here said it isn’t.
    I’m scared because sex to me just seems brutal and like animals people talk about being intimate but I don’t understand that. He said its normal that a man will do these things cos they are more primative. Is it like this? He would bite me and pull my hair. Also he spat in me… Do men do this?
    He didn’t use condoms cos he said they hurt him and are to small! It’s only now I think this is a lie. It make me so sad because now I have to pro ide for the kids. I love them but it’s so hard
    I tried to ask my female relatives and they just said you have to just let them do what they want. What make me feel so bad is that I listened to that. Sometimes I wanted things for the kids or the house so I had to keep him happy. That’s what they all said to me a good wife will keep the husband happy. Is this the same with everyone? Some people make our Muslims are backwards and women have no rights. I don’t agree. I think it’s just men using it.
    I know I sound ignorant and stupid but I e only been with him and even before I was hiding and safe I didn’t have people to ask stuff to.
    Sorry its a bit to much detail.. Just burning questions

  • #69898
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You’re not stupid you’ve been brainwashed. My ex told me that he could only ejaculate through penetrative sex. That he couldn’t achieve this through masturbation and therefor I had to have sex with him. I believed that. I even told the police woman that and her and her colleague looked totally shocked that I would believe that. They actually laughed and told me that’s absurd. I felt so ashamed to be tricked that way. It’s simply what abusers do to achieve their selfish goals. I was also told that a husband had conjugal rights. I also believed that. What I’ve found through therapy is that when we live in a state of trauma, our brains simply don’t function properly. That’s why I kept reality testing by asking friends and family if certain things were right or wrong. Now that we have been free for quite some time, our minds know that these things are wrong but because of the abuse there is still this niggling doubt. What I can say is that my needs come first from now on. If I’m uncomfortable or I don’t want to do it, it’s not happening. I’m not compromising to make someone else happy, especially when it comes to sex. Your fallback position would be, is that how you would treat someone else? My ex had sex with me while I was crying. Now I know that’s monstrous. I’ve been on a few dates and some can be triggering, men’s mannerisms or raised voice. You just have to take things very slowly, get to know someone inside out and take baby steps. Trust in yourself and your judgement. We are both well aware of the red flags now x

  • #69899
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Abusers will use anything. Religion, medical problems, alcohol etc. It’s all a smokescreen for abuse. There are good men out there. Take your time, don’t feel pressure from society to start dating. It’s your life now and you’re in control x

  • #69902
     maddog 
    Participant

    You have been raped and raped and raped. There is a short film about tea and consent. Sex is really hard to talk about especially from within a relationship. We normalise things. You have done so well to post here and explain your experience. And you have done incredibly well to get on your journey of recovery.

    There are plenty of good men out there. If you haven’t already done it, the Freedom Programme run by Women’s Aid is really fantastic. I hope you are getting as much real life support as you can muster. It takes a while to get things in place for yourself and your children.

    If people haven’t experienced abuse first hand it can be very difficult for them to understand. For many years I didn’t understand what was happening under my nose.

  • #69912
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    What he has done to you is so very wrong. Its definitely not normal for him to want to have sex with you with a baby in your arms.I know that Muslim women are expected to respect their families and that they believe in helping others who are in strife. It is an amazing religion and concept but i think that some men will take advantage of that. Also if the other women in the family dont have the knowledge or the ability to express their feelings you have no sounding board. Your in the dark. Your human no matter what, if you are unhappy with the way someone is treating you have the right to speak out.He should really be brought to justice for what he has done to you,restraining you is very very wrong. Rape is just no acceptable. Take your time before getting into anything new. Gain more knowledge in reading and were always here to support you. best wishes diy xx

  • #69974
     shine bright 2 
    Participant

    Thanks for the honest answers
    DIY.. He went to prison for some of wht he did so I got some justice.
    Im just scared really. Scared that other men are secretly like him too.
    It is a stupid fear but I’m getting closer to this guy from work. He is white and English. I’m worried he might have very different expectations of me(I don’t mean this badly) but with my husband he was happy that I was young and a virgin. Nothing else mattered until he got bored of my inexperience. What if this guy is expecting me to be more like in charge. I have no idea because I only know sex with one person and that was about pain and humiliation. I don’t really know how to flirt and things or how to deal with contraception.
    I think this guy sees me as all very western and Liberal but before this year I had almost no contact with men I’m not related to. My husband once slapped me hard because I let a male plumber in the house… Seriously, like I could wait for a female plumber and then he could say how disgusting for a woman to do that job.
    Really I’m not sure if I could be more than friends because it is so scarey. I think he might be disappointed in me same as my ex.

  • #69982
     maddog 
    Participant

    I hope the police have treated you well shine bright 2. Have you been in contact with Rape Crisis or Victim Support? Once you are getting the right real life support it will help you put things in perspective. Abuse rears its ugly head in all sorts of ways. When I met my ex I thought I knew what abuse meant. I also thought I knew what rape was. How very very wrong I was. I used to think in terms of what my ex wasn’t doing instead of what he was doing. He was waving red flags under my nose right from the very beginning. Take your time and please if you’re not already doing so, seek help.

  • #69986
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    Dear Shinebright2

    It’s a show of your strength that you can ask these things. It’s not your fault that you believe people and they misled and abused you so badly.

    You have nothing to be ashamed of.

    He, like others have said, fed you loads of lies, that abusive men commonly tell women to abuse them. Things like not having sex will cause them illness,orthat they have a right to sex regardless of us, a right to use our bodies for their evil purposes, and it just not true. If we refuse it doesn’t give them the right to go elsewhere either.

    These are all abusers lies, and a kind andgenuin persn like you has no reason to disbelieve or mistrust until to come to realise who they really are and what you’ve been told is just them manipulating to deceive you.

    You re in a position to ensure your fur never alo these things to exist in their lives, you won’t let them down the way you are been. You have sadly had to learn in the hardest WA, butty geerus ladies above have shared their similar experiences.

    I would say it will help you hugely to do the freedom programme, specifically the sexual cntrler, to really fix the boundaries in your mind before being in a position of intimate vulnerability again, s you are clear on your rights, wants and needs in an intimate way.

    Please know nothing needs happen until you are really sure what you want, his needs never trump yours when it comes to sharing your sexuality.

    Warmest wishes ts

  • #69987
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    *You’re in a position now to ensure these things never exist in the lives of your four. They will know the truth, you will not let them down.

    (I really struggle post on here and gave up a bit ago because my keyboard types complete clap-trap, and its exhausting tryinbto type and I get really sick of it, but I coulbt read your pos TB and not reply, take care)

  • #70006
     shine bright 2 
    Participant

    Ahh thanks TS. I stepped on my phone and it does all sorts of annoying stuff so I feel your pain.

    Maddog… Yes the police were kind, but it was hard. In the end it was physical stuff and harrasment that got him locked up because I couldn’t describe the other things to people face to face even though I wrote a statement. When he moved to secure psychiatric hospital they decided he was recovered. Thats why they hid us.

    TS you said something that I find difficult. That a woman can say no and it doesn’t mean he can go elsewhere. But, why not? I mean it’s a major part of marriage isn’t it. I mean why should a man be deprived of an important part of life.
    I was always tired with all the kids and he got frustrated.
    One of the things I never talk to people about is the fact that he wanted to get another wife. I think that people would think stupid oppressed woman how could u stay with a man like that. Its something that women in my culture I afraid to even talk about because they are scared it could happen to them. But in some way I kinda see the logic.. Like if u go in a cafe and they do t give u food then u would just go to another cafe.

    This might be inappropriate… Sorry if it is, but what makes sex nice? I’m sorry to ask, but if I’m being honest I don’t ever want it again. I’m sorry to sound rude but I just felt like an object… How does it not feel like that? In our culture the woman is not really meant to enjoy sex. I was not circumcised cos my parents were agaist its common. My husband was angry about that. It wasnt always physical pain that made it not enjoyable

    I’m sorry to ask these kind of questions but I’ve never been able to ask anyone. I hope no one things it’s rude or anything. It’s just that atm I can’t see every wanting that kinda relationship and maybe I will end up sad and lonely. Maybe I’m. Just obsessing cos I miss people.

    • #70034
       fridges 
      Participant

      Hello, dear shine bright.
      You did the brave thing – to start to talk about what is happened to you, it is a very hard part and this one step towards healing from what you have been through.
      It is very sad for me to hear what happened to you and none of this is right.
      The police office is right – if you have been crying, if you asked him to stop and he did not, if you have been in any distress – it is rape.
      By being your husband does not give him the automatic consent from your side and green light to have sex on you, whenever he wants. You are human being, you are woman, you not obliged to do. And if for the future you decide you never want to have sex again – it is your RIGHT! And other people should respect it and not to push you.
      If someone pushes you to have sex, when you do not want, it is not ok, no matter who this person is.
      You might not aware, but women are it risk to be raped by their partners more than by a stranger.
      I decided that I will not have sex, unless I will marry and feel this is what I want. Since that decision I started to feel I’m more in control finally.
      Finally there is no one who will be coercing me with fear, pressure, blackmailing, obligation, physical, emotional abuse. I feel that my body belongs to me, I hope with time you will feel the same.
      What he did to you, you are not to blame, it is his action and you should not put his blame on you. Detach yourself from it.
      Abusers use many excuses to abuse and none of them valid! There is no excuse for it !
      Not all men are like him, but I understand your fear about them, it is the consequences of his actions.
      The condom is too small and hurt him – it is the lie! He thinks only about his agenda.
      In Islam – wife can divorce husband if he is abusive to her, have no guilt feeling about it. Also he should have treated you well as wife, it is his duty.

      Please read the myth vs realities about sexual violence. Hope the link will show up.

      https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/myths-vs-realities/

  • #70008
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I know in some cultures some men have multiple wife’s and it is accepted.In western culture it’s not seen as acceptable and is frowned apon and seen as cheating and wrong. It’s societies belief systems I guess. As far as being loving with someone they need to respect your feelings. They should really wait until your ready, if at all. You sound like you need time to recover.It’s maybe best not to get into something right now if your feeling unsure. You could read more around this subject? Knowledge is power and also the GP can talk you through contraception etc xx 💕 💕 DIY

  • #70018
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    Hello there Shine Bright,
    Just wanted to say years ago I came across what I think is a lovely book called ‘a woman’s experience of sex’. It was written by Sheila Kitzinger and is I felt, a very compassionate approach. I don’t know if it has been updated but I liked it.

    For my viewpoint and feelings it is not at all surprising that an over-worked and under-supported woman with kids – whose partner is making life difficult for them (quite aside from the violence) – should not feel like having sex. A holiday with all meals paid for, the cleaning done and no washing up to do would be probably more enjoyable whatever the sex was like.

    Sorry to be so blunt, but we have needs too. The thing about abuse and control is that it is ‘normal’ for some men to put their ‘needs’ first and ignore those of the woman they are involved with.

    One of the things I noticed about abuse recovery for me was that when I left that situation I did not really know what my own needs were. That sounds strange but it was almost like I didn’t deserve to rest, eat, sleep or think about what I enjoyed doing, in life generally, never mind sex.

    So I had to start there, trying ot think about what I needed.

    When you are dating someone – (if it gets that far) – you have the right to choose your own pace.
    This is a good thread, it is important to talk about these things. For our sake and those of our daughters growing up.

    Well done and keep posting. I’ve been fairly blunt, hope I haven’t offended anyone.
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #70023
     maddog 
    Participant

    I’m so pleased for you that you avoided circumcision. It is so incredibly brave and honest of you post here about your sexual experiences. I hope it makes you feel less alone at least in a small way.

    Sex for women is more than a physical act. It is a means of communication. Your only experience of sex is to be brutalised. It goes well beyond just being tired.

    My ex used me as an object. He assumed that because I was his wife he could do to me as he pleased no matter what state I was in. He wasn’t physically violent and I so wanted to believe him that it was ‘his way of showing affection’. It took me a long long time to work out that I had no choice and often I had no capacity to make a choice. He took and he took and he took and I had nothing to give.

    I really thought I would never have sex again, not least because by now I am a middle aged post menopausal woman.

    Please do not be ashamed of what has happened to you. It is a heavy weight to bear. It is such a violation, and it is not your fault. You have survived horrors and you have probably internalised much of what has happened.

    For a long time after I was raped for the first time I blamed myself. It took me decades to finally report it to the police. It took me nearly as long to realise what was happening under my nose. Please keep posting and be kind to yourself.

  • #70035
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    hope that didn’t come across the wrong way.
    If you manage to get hold of Kitzingers book (and trust it has been updated) she takes women’s experiences of all kinds into account. Including trauma and violence.
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #70057
     shine bright 2 
    Participant

    Thank you so much to everyone. This thread has made me want to cry because I have talked about things that I never could. I wish I could have had this conversation before. It has shown to me too how wrong it is to not socialise with people outside your own culture and hear different perspectives.
    Part of the reason I done all this hiding is to know my girls are safe. My ex would have given into his mother and got them cut. I would never forgive myself. I thin reading a book is a good idea @freedomtochoose. I really want to be more open with my own kids, although I know they have sex Ed at school I never talk about it. I hope that I can. I know this sounds stupid because I’m not a teenage anymore but my kids will be and I don’t know anything…si any good book will help.

    Its so very different with this man. He is a friend… That is different for a start. I can be friends with a man. He has been married but he knows how to take care of his son and look after him… It stuff I never really experience.
    This conversation has been a bit of a game changer for me and I am literally crying because the enourousness of everything has struck me…. I have choices… I can say no. Its not that I thought that was impossible until I spoke to people here.. But this has given me courage to know that I can. When I was him I can’t think of one time that I had the courage to make a choice of my own. Now I can.

  • #70059
     maddog 
    Participant

    Fantastic news, shine bright 2! I meant to add earlier that there is more to No than simply a word. There are times because of the situation, the fear, the obligation etc that the word No seem inappropriate. Our bodies do it for us. When we are being raped, our wishes and desires are over-ridden. What our bodies are saying, how our bodies are responding is of no interest. Our needs are being completely ignored. The word No is just one way of communicating something we don’t want. There are so many times when using it could put us in further danger we remain silent.

  • #70081
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    Keep talking and asking and put an end to his an others like him, getting away with such ridiculous rubbish.

    So glad you have been able to say all that.

    I have no idea whether you would ever want to experience men again.

    No matter what, you can always say ‘no’, always.

    As another said, there other ways of not consenting and for a normal person they are glaringly obvious!

    It’s so easy to tell when someone isnt happy about something, he just didn’t care whether you were happy.

    I don’t understand why this thread has been reported for inappropriate content.

    It’s reality for some, unfortunately. Whats inappropriate is the stuff that sickos make up to get their kicks, the other women, the porn, the degrading dominating sex.

    I hope you don’t feel in awe of someone who can just be a decent person, it needs to become your basic expectation.

    Nothing to be grateful for, but certainly something to demand for yourself as a minimum.

    You and every other woman.

    Warmest wishes ts

  • #70092
     shine bright 2 
    Participant

    Hi lisa
    I forgot how to send. Messages and things to. Moderator and Im rushing. I only just realised this was reported for inappropriate content. I feel a bit upset cos. It wasn’t bt intention to offend. Sorry if this onversation is t allowed its just I don’t have people to ask. I’m still building friendships in new place and before it was very tabboo to ask anh thing. I hope I didn’t break. The rules or that I didn’t upset people here by starting it. Maybe a book would have been better option!
    It has taken every single drop of strength to get over what he did and sometimes i want to talk to people who are no councellors or police or mental health etc just people who are supportive and have experience. Again sorry if it’s not allowed. Not my intention to be deliberately inappropriate just trying to get across what it was like and other people the same I think.

  • #70096
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi shine bright 2 I don’t want to reply for lisa I’m sure she will be there to give you support. Sometime posts are reported because they can identify you, it keeps you safe. I for one don’t judge you at all, I think your so brave and you’ve been open in talking about what your feelings are. Take care much luv diy xx

  • #70098
     maddog 
    Participant

    I think that rape within a relationship is very much taboo and so much not spoken about. A very long time ago I tried to bring up the subject with a friend. I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t know what to say. It all came out wrong and the subject closed. I shoved it under the carpet and took my experience to be normal. It wasn’t. My ex didn’t use physical violence. He was always passive aggressive. I couldn’t work out why I wanted to avoid sex with him. I knew that I hated being used as a sex toy and I knew that I hated having sex done at me. I knew how much I hated waking up to find bits of him inside bits of me. The lack of love, the lack of communication.

    I so wanted to believe him that it was his way of showing affection. My body knew better. When I told him I didn’t like it, I was in the wrong.

  • #70099
     Popilol 
    Participant

    My ex was also passive aggressive. I googled passive aggressive alcoholic and was so shocked, it was him! He would goad me into arguments and then tell me to calm down. He wanted me to hit him or push him, which I didn’t, so that he could play defense and the victim. He’d then use it against me saying that I shouted at him and that’s why he grabbed me by the throat… it was my fault! Always MY fault, never his. He attacked my daughter and twisted it all around to it being her fault and saying she attacked him. Everything was so twisted. He was a compulsive liar but in his head he was telling the truth, there was no way he would change his version of the truth. What a total mind f&@£!

  • #70112
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi shinebright2, I just want to repeat what @DIYmum said, the actual content of your post is not offensive in any way, but there may have been something you wrote which could have identified you to your abuser or people who know you. Please dont think its another firm of control, we really can and do say absolutely anything on here.
    Be friends with men, other women, as you say learning from other cultures is how things should be, BUT it’s a form of control from our governments, and how they’ve brainwashed us into believing other people’s cultures are less than ours.
    While men are in high places of control abuse will always be. Whether it’s violence(fighting in others countries) manipulation (blaming other ethnicities fir our problems)sexual(you were asking for it by being drunk, wearing provocative clothes, not being clear enough when you said no, not saying no)
    But we will get there, the tide is turning and a new era is beginning.
    #21stcenturysuffragettes
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70113
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    You have us an we have each other on here, no judgement just here to listen and support you ☺❤💪✌

  • #70114
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    Hello
    shine bright and lovely ladies on here.
    I am so proud of you all. I believe as well as doing this for ourselves we are doing this for our daughters (and ultimately our sons too as there are some decent men out there.).

    I remember my dad. Passed away now, but would have stood up for this.

    Thank you for every word on here it means a lot to me and has helped me through, actually, without going into detail, what could have potentially been a nightmare weekend.
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #70123
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    I just wanted to add that Thames Valley Police made a great video about consent. It’s called something like “consent as tea”. You might find it helpful. I think you are incredibly brave talking about this. And I am so sorry that your husband hurt you so badly. Men do not need sex any more than women do. Before I was abused I really enjoyed sex. My abuser actually used to refuse to have any kind of physical intimacy in order to control me. But at the time we were in a committed relationship and I wouldn’t have considered going elsewhere for sex. Then as he hurt me more and more I didn’t want to have sex any more. Then he wanted to have sex. Especially if I was scared and crying. Because he wasn’t really interested in sex. The thing he wanted was to control me absolutely. Most men don’t want that. They only want sex if you want it and will enjoy it too.

    I am back to having a more normal sex life now. I am with a new man who makes me feel safe. But part of that feeling safe is knowing that I can say no at any time, to any kind of intimacy. My current partner knows this is because of my history, not because I don’t like him and that is fine. If I say I am not in the mood for kissing then he won’t miss me. If I say I don’t want to be cuddled or touched then he won’t touch me. If I say I don’t want sex then he wouldn’t think of initiating sex until I tell him I would like it again. That could be weeks later. If he’s not sure then he asks. “Would you like a cuddle?” “Are you in a kissing mood?” That’s how is should be. Obviously we don’t have to ask and give verbal consent all the time. You can tell a lot from body language once you know someone well. But it’s good to say it out loud any time you are unsure. And it’s important to say no if you are not in the mood. It happens to everyone. Men included. Maybe you had a long day. Maybe there isn’t a reason. But you should never have sex if you don’t want to.

  • #70149
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    Again, Shinebright2

    As you see, no-one here is finding your post inappropriate atall!

    Please keep posting and asking questions.

    I have noticed this appearing on oyer tyeads that don’t seem to be inappropriate either, if that helps?

    my keyboard, no problem everywhere else, jston here its a nightmare tryinbto type…like wading through treacle and continually wrong, and needing correcting. It’s the response time of my keyboard that slows to a grinding standstil

  • #70151
     shine bright 2 
    Participant

    Thank so much for the supportive words. My mind is kind of blown by the idea that I could say no to anything. But at least I know I can do things at my own speed… Which I think if I every get to that point is going to be very very slow. It is very frightening but I hope that if I do get to that point where I can allow things to happen then I will be with someone I really trust.
    I think ie will be hard for me to ever be with someone because of the emotional scars and also cos of the physical scars. It scars me that I might have to explain them to someone. When I was gonna go to court there was a policeman who always put his hand on the arch of my back. Just like when u go through doors and things. It amge me flinch everytime.. Because he is a man but also cos he is touching the marks. I don’t know if uld ever cope with someone really touching me where they are. The ex used to run his finger over them. It feel like a risk to let anyone close… But I have a choice this time.
    Thank to all the brilliant smart ladies here.. So much wise words and help.

  • #70152
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi there again,

    He wasn’t a good person, that’s not your fault or blame. Alway speak your mind were here any time.We’re all human, that is above creed or culture and what we have in common is that we’re descent people☺Never be ashamed of what’s happened it 100% on his shoulders. Keep learning and moving forward. Do what’s right for you and your kids and alway stay safe but more importantly enjoy your life ☺I hope your ok 💕💕stay strong as I know you are ☺diy

  • #70153
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I think maybe we’ve sent these messages at the same time. Take your time with this new guy, he should always respect your wishes whatever they maybe. That’s your right as a woman ☺xx

  • #70175
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    I just wanted to tell you that what the police man did was inappropriate too. I hope he was doing it in an attempt to be helpful, but if such a thing happens again you can absolutely tell people that you are uncomfortable being touched! This doesn’t just apply during sex, or indeed to men. Your body is yours. You don’t have to let anyone touch you in any way that you are uncomfortable with (apart possibly from very small children! It’s hard to explain to very small children – but you start with don’t do that it hurts, and work up). It’s hard to remember this sometimes, especially if your parents made you hug and kiss elderly relatives and similar as a child – most of my friends who are parents now don’t make their kids hug people if they don’t want to for this reason. It is your body, and you can say no to any kind of touch.

    Also please try not to feel bad about your scars. Firstly, they are not your fault. And secondly we all have imperfections and we are all beautiful. You also don’t have to explain your scars to anyone. My current partner has a huge scar. I don’t really know how he got it. Only that it was self inflicted. And I only know that because he brought it up and told me. Much like your body, your past is your own. You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to.

    As an aside, some people get the most beautiful tattoos to cover or celebrate their scars. I have a friend who is planning tattoos to decorate her stretch marks from pregnancy. And lots of women get them to cover mastectomy scars. I’m probably more scared of hating a tattoo than of hating my scars. But it’s nice to remember that you have options if you want to change your body!

  • #70188
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I just want to let everyone on this thread know how proud of us all I am. Abuse transcends race, culture, religion, but we are here talking to each other as human beings NOT as a person of colour or religion or anything. It truly is beautiful and inspiring as to what our world can truly be.
    Blessings and loves to all
    💕💕

  • #70194
     Ayanna 
    Participant

    I think you should use this opportunity to observe men.
    You will see different men acting differently in same situations.
    At the same time keep yourself educating about abusive behaviours.
    Over time you will become very knowledgeable about the rights and wrongs and also know what you want and what you do not want.
    You will also instantly recognize an abuser, even if he is a sweet-talker.
    As mentioned above by maddog, watch the video clip from the Thames Valley Police about tea and consent.
    You have been through unspeakable horror and it will take time and patience to find your way.
    Be gentle with yourself and keep posting, keep reading, keep observing.

  • #70250
     shine bright 2 
    Participant

    I love the idea of a tattoo… Mostly cos the ex would have hated something like that. Maybe I can gat a big 🌹 on my butt like Cheryl Cole…. Thats made me chuckle.

    Thank everyone.. I can do this new life.. I can

  • #70251
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I have a few now, and will get anither, once I’m free, as he won’t let me get anymore. Everyone means something to me, and I’m not a sterotypical person who gets them. No-one is nowadays,💜💪 they’re an extension of our personalities and two fingers up to the world
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70263
     shine bright 2 
    Participant

    Does it hurt? Can u get lady tatooer… Is that the word? I don’t know if they can do on bumpy scars though. Might Google see if I can find out.

  • #70264
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Having a baby is worse😉the outline in places can be sore but it’s bearable. I actually doze off getting mine done
    Where there’s less fatty tissue can be a bit worse but it’s soon over. Warning… they can become addictive…
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70270
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    I love that you like this idea. I dyed my hair (detail removed by moderator) when I left my ex. Because he would have hated it. And then I cut all my hair off because he would have hated that even more. I wish I was brave enough to get a tattoo. This is all an extension of consent too. It’s your body. You can do whatever you like with it. And you can get female tattooists. People with more experience can hopefully tell you more if you want to know. I know it’s worth researching the artist, and just like with sex you can go in and talk about it, but if you decide you don’t like the artist you can absolutely leave without a tattoo. Your body, your choice. Xx

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