Someone help me!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I need help! I feel anxious all the time, struggle on weekends, walk around with a heavy heart all the time, struggling to find peace within myself and just hate him for what he’s done. It’s very early on in my journey I have recently left him and started divorce proceedings but I just want to feel normal and lime me. But instead I feel sick all the time and I’m like a pressure cooker. Certain people close to me don’t realise they’re upsetting me but I feel in the same way as I did when he put me down and I get upset, start sobbing uncontrollably, get angry defensive and then feel exhausted. I do this every weekend and I just can’t stop it. Any type of criticism feels sooooo personal. Does it get better I feel so broken I think I need to put his picture on a dartboard and throw darts lol

[Ayanna]

I think converting his picture into a dartboard is a good idea.

I go to the park and scream at the top of my voice when I become too overwhelmed. This is so liberating.

[KIP.]

This is all normal behaviour. It will definately pass but your brain has to sort through all the emotions, are you getting councelling? Have you spoken to,your GP. Weekends were always worse for me as I had a routine to keep me busy all week. Can you plan something nice to do next weekend or even get away. A change of scenery might help. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your emotions are being triggered by behaviour that reminds you of your abuser X try to avoid triggering people meantime.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Omg I need to do this!! He’s my first long term relationship as well so makes it worse. I waited for someone who I thought was real. Omg I nedd to scream you disgusting vile creature! (detail removed by moderator)l!!!! I’ve invested all these years on him for what????? He’s broken my heart sooo badly I had a real valid reason for getting rid of him years ago but my family and I thought it was a one off and people make mistakes. I could have saved myself from all of this because he only showed his real self when we got married I should have called it off! He never deserved a catch like me he knew it the scumbag!!!!!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I’m trying to get myself counselling I’ve had trouble with getting in contact with my local dv support. Our anniversary is coming up soon and it’s making me feel horrid 😣. All sorts of emotions are coming out. I feel scared he might contact me as he did recently and also he will be getting a letter from my solicitor around that date too! It will p*** him off I’m not looking at my emails from that day for a couple of days going to ask my solicitor to write to me no email updates. I have a new number so he doesn’t have it. I know what you mean about routine it’s horrible on weekends. Women’s aid have suggested volunteering and I’m going to look into that because exercise classes hardly take up a lot of time! I’m so angry I want to put his head on a pitchfork and burn it! Disgusting disgusting vile creature he doesn’t deserve anything in life! Ughhhhh I hope karma comes round he made out I was the one with mental health problems when he is the pyscho who was trying to move me across the country and had already isolated me from everyone and told my friends they won’t be hearing from me!!!! My parents don’t love him only he does. Sick and vile I want to feed him. To pigs

[Ayanna]

Make sure you look after yourself well.
Plan nice things in your schedule so that you are distracted by positivity.

Try to attend the Freedom Programme. That will help you to recognise abusers in the future.

You will feel better after some time.
Anniversaries are horrid. Ensure you are not alone on such days.

It helped me to punch the male dummy in the gym. Unfortunately they removed him. They must have felt that I really took it out on him.
My hands and arms were so sore always, I let all my anger out.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you both. I wish I can attend the freedom programme but I can’t because of work commitments. I used to go to body combat but I’ve stopped but I’m going to start going sfain because kicking and punching helps. I haven’t been to see my GP in a long time and I need to go anyway so I think I will have a word. I will try and get away I have a friend who really wants to meet up but has suggested (detail removed by Moderator) and she doesn’t live near me so I’ll try and see her next weekend. I went for a back massage yesterday but after my outburst I don’t think there was any point 😣. What you said about kicking the male dummy made me really laugh lol. That’s exactly what I need. Practically I’m great at doing things it’s just the emotion I have to try to deal with now. I try not to think about what’s happened to me but then I feel like I’m not dealing with it and then when I think about it I can’t stop thinking about it and I feel like a victim. I don’t want to feel like a victim he’s the victim who has to live in a pyscho path’s body! I’m the one whose got her life back (even though it does not feel like that). I’ve said to myself I need to cook more (it relaxes me), continue with my exercise classes but I am not naive in thinking that will solve all my problems. On my anniversary I’m thinking of getting what I call freedom cupcakes and inviting a few friends over. I just need to run the idea past my family and if that won’t happen I will go to work and then go straight to yoga afterwards. I don’t think I can do much more.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Positive, its not easy but its a challenge and I imagine the end results will be a huge improvement to your whole life. I split from my ex some months ago, since then I completely ceased all exercise & have put on almost a stone. I hate how my motivation has just left. I have always been super fit. I have realized since we split that i always kept myself super fit so that I was slim & attractive for men, I am ashamed of this. But having no exercise motivation is not easy to cope with. Combined with comfort eating this is something that I do quite a a lot. I have however got into social hiking groups (detail removed by Moderator) and am getting out, mixing, getting fantastic exercise and developing quite a nice life. I’m hoping in time I can properly address the comfort eating and naturally get some enjoyable activity in rather than the obsessive I used to me. (detail removed by Moderator) is great for activities, holidays, weekends away, hobbies etc. X*X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Good morning healthy. It will definitely be worth it but I’m at a stumbling block and when I get passed it I’m sure it will get easier. I picked up on something important for you there. You said that you keep yourself slim and attractive for men. No you keep yourself like that for you! Start to love your body for what it is and remember it’s okay to comfort eat I’m in that vicious cycle now and I’m trying so hard not to. It’s your body you do what you like for it and not anyone else especially a man. But, I can see why you are coming from.thst angle and it will take time to start feeling better about your body. When I left mind I made an excuse of making myself look snaking everyday I dressed up more than ever and take pictures everyday and I look at the woman in my pictures and say she doesn’t look like the woman in my story. That’s helped with my confidence now and it could be something you could try? You would be surprised how amazing you look now and how they drained the life out of you. I get angry when I see men eyeing me up I don’t find it flattering I feel like shouting km not an object or a piece of meat now put your eyes back in your socket! But, men will be men and that’s what they do. A lot of friends are married and happily not with men like this I can assure you so I feel like they’re restricted for time in doing things. I’m not in a relationship now so want to feel free so I will definitely looking into (detail removed by Moderator) thank you because it is great having supporting people around you but nothing quite like being with a bunch of people who know absolutely nothing about you!

[Escaped not free]

This is totally normal. My heart goes out to you. I know exactly these feelings. The weekends are so much worse as you have this gaping hole of time that you have to decide what to do with but the anxiety that cripples u and makes it hard to get up in the morning makes it nearly impossible. Are you getting any counselling? Have you been to your GP? It does get better. I’m early on as well and it doesn’t go while you are living with it but it does get more manageable. Finding yourself under attack from others is also hard. People want to step in and “save you from yourself” by telling you what to do and how to feel, particularly about your partner, without really getting how you feel. All I would advise is give yourself time and space. If you have children it’s a good idea at weekends to right a list of things to do with them and just follow it, go through the motions until you find you are a bit more present. Be kind to yourself. X*x

[Healthyarchive]

Thanks for your response Positive. I think that it is going to take me a while to change as all of my adult life has been geared around staying slim to keep a man, i know, its completely wrong. I decided a couple of months ago that I’ve had enough of men for some time now and together with this my gym addiction has gone. I sit on my sofa and eat and feel myself getting fatter & fatter. But I am hoping that I’m developing more concrete healthy behaviours for me and my body. I am improving my diet massively and have started a lot of hiking which I really love. X*X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you both for being there. I am so proud of us all we are such strong women. The abuse I endured was emotional support so I look normal but I’m not and I’m still quite sensitive so anyone giving me any kind of suggestions doesn’t sit well with me. I’m putting myself on the waiting list for counselling next week that’s what I need. I feel comfort knowing you too are early on in your recovery just like me. Luckily I have no children with him he kept saying he wanted them but it was totally not up for discussion. I come from an ethnic minority background so I knew if I had a kid with him I would never escape it’s not easy to get remarried in my community with a child in tow. I went to my exercise class today and it was amazing everyone had so much energy and had so much fun. Last week I went I felt as though all my confidence was stripped and everyone could see it because he contacted me last week. This week’s class was a total different story I hope I am getting stronger. I promise you do not need a man to keep you happy I’ve been single all my life and I can assure you anything you want in life you can get for yourself. Try to fall in love with your body and tell yourself you are a beautiful. I keep positive happy things my friends and family say about me scattered all over my room to help me and buy fresh flowers for a room. Use this time to rediscover yourself and I promise you you will not be disappointed. We are such amazing, beautiful women I know that we have the best future waiting for us to be lived. I don’t feel alone in this now thank you to you all! 😊 x*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Positive, my ex was an emotional abuser, i also don’t have kids so we have those things in common. I really found this book helpful when I split, its free to read on Amazon, 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships. X*X’

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you healthy we sure do 😊. I will read that I’ve started to read a lot on it to try and understand. I literally had a breakdown today. Luckily a friend called and asked me to meet her. I’m just full of grief I can’t believe what he’s done to me. He only has himself to blame. I loved him and I let him close the first guy I’ve ever trusted and he does this to me. It’s disgusting and vile. I’ll never forgive him ever. He was responsible for this and I truly believe I’ll find the right man who loves me and believes in me as a person. Ever since I left him everything is going right for me emotionally, mentally, financially with my career. He bought me down to another level I never thought I would be married and would feel so sad and alone. But I do not believe all men are like this which is why I left him. I believe in God and I truly believe he loves us all and for some reason we had to endure this horrendous pain to become the people we are meant to be and to learn some amazing life lessons. I will never be rid of him we come from the same community and know the same people. I dread the day I’m in the same room as him again

[Millionpieces]

Dear positiveAndlookingahead.
It is completely normal how you feel, you have been hurt, and it is normal if you angry. Your life is changes, he was in your life and did whatever he did to you and he is gone, you are emotionally shifted. But it will get better, those anxious and horrible feeling will lessen with time.

Took months for me to be better, and these ladies in this forum told me it will lessen and it did. I was so broken cry my self to sleep, cry at work, weeping while I’m driving, you name it. I went on short brake on the weekend but only make locked my self in the bathroom and cry, everything in my life was so wrong.
Good thing I found this forum and did counselling. I learn to survive, I told my self to hang on one more day, live one day at the time believing that I am survivor and I will keep my self to survive. And I assure you it will get better each day, the pain, hurt, anxious even blaming our self will lessen. Even when you’re down, it just one step back but if you keep going you still going forward to brighter days. Be kind to your self let your self heal, she’s been hurt, nurture her with kind thought. This words I get from these lovely ladies in this forum and I believed and cherish it, these words get me wher I am now. Happier much much happier person that I ever been and still living and nurturing my self more, and keep surviving.

Lots of love
MP

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hello MP thank you sooo much. I literally did the crying thing on the way to work today. I was sobbing like anything. He’s the only man I have EVER trusted and he’s deceived me. I just cannot believe it. He doesn’t know I’m citing domestic violence he just knows unreasonable behaviour and let’s just say he will find out very soon!!! Also, my solicitors letter will probably get to him (detail removed by moderator)and I’m preparing myself for abuse and for him to call me all the names under the sun. But, I never planned it that way that’s just the way that it happened and it’s not my fault that Karma is on the way to him. I could make it very very difficult for him I have so much evidence it is unreal but I am trying to be dignified and just get him out of my life. No one has ever hurt me in this way before it is so vile. Also, I feel quite anxious because very soon he’s relocating and I would have been going with him but I refused to go! I actually think I have saved my life as he has a conviction for a violent offence he already started isolating me from family and friends. I think he would have killed me 😣. Also he can’t be happy his plan didn’t go how he wanted and I have a feeling with waiting for my solicitors response,(detail removed by moderator), then me taking control and actually escaping (something him and his family thought I would never do – they were all narcassists and were playing me) he is suddenly going to explode and I didn’t respond to him last week and I didn’t reply to him contacting me so I know that he won’t be nice about it all. He thinks it’s my fault and he’s God’s gift but I have noted EVERYTHING in that divorce petition and he will certainly want revenge of some sort. I’ve just got to remain calm and vigilant and I have contacted the police before and said if he comes near me and my family I will be contacting them again so if I was him I would not even try to push his luck.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I’m so sorry to hear your story MP I really really hope that things are getting better for you. We are all in this together I promise I know we will be ok. Sending you lots of love!! Never bottle anything up ever. X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Good morning all. I still feel extreme anxiety because there’s no way I can stop the letter reaching him on (detail removed by Moderator) and I know he will kick off. Whatever happens I will continue to have no contact like I have done for a long time. I will not let this man back inside my head EVER! I barely slept again last night so I am going to go home after work today and get and get an early night I need my strength for the coming days. I am taking back control and there is nothing he can do against it but that still doesn’t help me from being anxious. I can’t wait until I get that decree absolute in my hand I will be completely free! I just have to sit tight until it’s all over because I know he’s a vile person he will try anything he can to hurt me. I’m going to phone my local dv support at lunch and get the counselling sorted I wasn’t able to phone yesterday. I just want to be totally free of him and piece myself back together but I hate the fact it takes time. I am hoping this weekend will be calmer and I will find more peace. I have spoken to that friend and got our weekend in the diary and we also have planned another one too so hopefully the change of scenery will do me all the good in the world!

[Healthyarchive]

Dear positive, keep up your determined focus, my ex treated me awfully & wrecked my self worth, life without them is far superior. X*x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you so much. I’m a really determined person I will never let anyone break me. I heard the most fantastic news today. He’s moved very very very far from me!!!!! I feel free such a sense of relief he’s out my life! I have just got the divorce to get through now it’s just a formality. GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH!!!!

[Author]

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