Someone tell me the truth

[nocluewhattodo]

Hi

I have tried to ring the helpline but can’t get through.
I own a house with my partner and have 2 children (not his)

He is horrible to me, he picks and picks at little things like he said I was heavy footed on my clutch, that I make his tea too strong, that I’m too soft on my children. I’ve learned to ignore it because I want an easy life. Then every so often I will talk to him and say it’s not acceptable. He then gets aggressive and defensive and turns everything back on me. He called me an a*****e and crazy (detail removed by moderator).

He complains I’m too busy (I’m finishing a degree and got 2 jobs which I need to make ends meet) I joined the gym and he hated that.

I tried to split up with him (detail removed by moderator) but he pursuaded me back saying he’ll change….the trouble is he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong so how can he change?

But I can’t go on like this, I feel like I’ve lost me and if course there’s my children to think about. He’s shouted at them occasionally.

I told a friend (I don’t have many because he doesn’t like any of them) and she was supportive. Then I told my brother and he said I need to learn to compromise! Is this me being difficult? I just don’t know any more.

I have contacted a solicitor today because I want to know where I stand with the house.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m also really scared I won’t follow through because as much as I hate him I love him too. I’m not scared of living alone but he has such an emotional hold over me.

[Eve1]

Hi nocluewhattodo,

You’re doing really well. You’ve realised that he is abusive and you’re not going to take it an’t more. You’ve contacted a solicitor. Both really positive things.

I think we know in our hearts when it’s time to leave, but because we don’t want to hurt people, we’re kind. and also because we’re taking a leap into the unknown, we look to other people to support us. But often they are the ones with no clue. Does your brother understand about abuse? It’s likely that he’s. just showing solidarity with another man, without really understanding.

The person to listen to now is you.
Put yourself first. Listen to your voice.

You feel you still love him, but he’s not behaving like someone who loves you, is he?

It’s hard and it’s scary being on your own at first. But you can do it.

Have you left a message on the helpline? If there’s a good, safe time they can ring you, tell them and they will do that.

Sending you hugs

Eve
x

[nocluewhattodo]

Hi Eve,

That’s what I say to him, I can’t understand in my head how someone who says they love me in one breath can be so horrible in another. He shrugs and says I’m too over-sensitive.

You’re probably right about my brother, he probably thinks abuse is hitting someone.

I will leave a message for the helpline.

I think the thing I struggle with most is I’m an intelligent woman and he’s sucked me right in. Although having read through some of the messages today, I know I’m far from alone in that.

Thank you for your kind words, I could actually do with a real hug right now but I don’t have many people to turn to.

[Iwantmeback]

The truth is he is abusing you my love. He only said hed changed to get back with you. He’s controlling(notseeing friends). We have all ignored what our gut was telling us about these men, for a quiet life and because yes you are in love with him. Don’t wait decades like i have. I only realised my oh was abusing me recently. I only admitted it to myself a few months ago when i said outloud that i didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t even acknowledge(KNOW) that i could leave, i thought this was my life, I’d invested so much in the relationship, gave up so much for it. I hate driving with my oh in the passenger seat too. According to him im the worst driver in the world. Your setting boundaries that he crosses time and again. My oh complains his teas to strong too. I literally can’t cook a meal now without burning pots. One week he wants a dinner the next he doesnt, everything i cook is sh..e. he’s thrown plates across the floor and yells at me to pick it up and then go and make him something he will eat. And like a mug I’ve done it. Of course you’re busy, plus he’s acting like a 3rd child. A loving partner would get his own tea or whatever because of your work load but he’s adding to it because he’s a selfish bas….d. he’s shouted at your children, he WILL eventually hit then or worse. My oh tried to drown my son, i wasnt in the house, i was working or at college, can’t remember which. I only found this out a few years ago and it happened along time ago😪.trust me you have compromised til you’re blue in the face. I’m sorry your brother didn’t understand. It’s very hard to get across to someone what is happening and how bad it is. Does he get on with your partner. The thing is the stuff they complain about is so trivial but put it together over a period of time and it’s torture.. try your local WA if you cant get through to the national helpline. You’ve put him out before you can do it again. Trust in yourself. I’m lucky that I’m detaching from my oh emotionally and mentally, still doesn’t stop me feeling guilty and deceitful though.
Have you looked into trauma bonding, it helps explain why we stay. I hope you manage to leave. Keep posting, together we give each other strength to endure, survive and escape.
We come across as such strong women, but trust me are terrified just the same as you are, but the more we read and post on here the stronger we become. Trust me he’ll see you getting stronger and he’ll up the ante

IWMB 💕💕

[nocluewhattodo]

You’re right IWMB, my gut tells me things are wrong and I ignore it or pass it off as something else.

I don’t want to be in this situation in years to come.

At the moment he’s agreeing with the split. I’m just worried things will get worse before they get better and it’s Christmas coming. I don’t care about Christmas but I have children. He unfortunately has nowhere he can go really apart from his dad (detail removed by moderator) hours away, I may suggest that nearer the time.

I left before because he refused to leave, packed my children up and went to a holiday cottage, I’m not doing that again, it’s not fair on them which is why I’m going to a solicitor.

The worst thing about this is I don’t think I’ll ever understand why? Does anyone else feel like that? Can someone just be pure nasty? He can be so nice most of the time which makes it worse.

[nocluewhattodo]

He’s now (detail removed by moderator) and told me he thinks he had depression.
I’m so glad I read this forum because that’s his way of manipulating me, making me feel sorry for him.
I told him to go to the doctors and tell them the whole truth about his behaviour.
I have asked him several times in the past to go to counseling, either with me or alone and he’s point blank refused.

[Julka]

My husband refused counselling for almost a decade, and then when we first went to couples counselling a couple of years ago (detail removed by moderator) he used it against me saying that the counsellor though he made progress and I didn’t. Needless to say the abuse continued. Just recently he agreed again, this time we are seeing separate counsellors and once again he is using it against me, this time straight away, using his counsellor as a weapon against me. I have no idea what he tells him. The coffee and depression story- exactly the same things happened to me, over and over and over. I feel so sorry for you, I wish there was an easy way for both of us but there isn’t. I’m coming to this realisation very slowly, there will not be a miracle.
Julka xx

[Iwantmeback]

Morning my husband is pulling the “im depressed” stunt too. When i suggested he go see his doctor he said im making him dressed, i need to stop getting into his head. I swear i said those word literally (detail removed by moderator)wks prior to him repeating it to me.
Does your partner work? The reason I’m asking is, If he is, he can afford to rent somewhere. You can get am interim exclusion order through a solicitor. It doesn’t happen overnight but it gets him out of the house and you some breathing space. Then you can decide to keep the house or sell it. It’s an option of hes not going to go quietly and stay out. If he leaves without too much fuss all the better. Then you don’t need to let him back in. He’ll come up with loads of excuses to play on you. Be strong. 💜
IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

Hello again, as to him telling you whatever regarding his councellor, don’t believe a word, or if you do renemver to implement “you” for “me” or “I”, because if you really listen he’s really telling you about himself. Eg my counsellor says its you doing xyz, when it’s really my counsellor says “I’m doing xyz”. I hope any little piece of info we give can help you get through the FOG they create. (Fear,Obligation,Grief).
My oh also refuses to go for help😪 says he doesnt need it
IWMB 💕💕

[nocluewhattodo]

Thank you for your replies, I now for the first time don’t feel like I’m crazy and in the wrong.

Yes he works full time so he can easily afford to leave and I can afford to run the house. I am waiting for the solicitor to get back to me and will discuss all this with them so I know exactly what I can do.

I don’t personally think he’ll listen to a counsellor, I think he’ll see it as a personal attack and then probably take it out on me. But it’s something he’s never tried before so maybe it’s worth a try.

Thank you for your support, I am hopefully getting a phone call from the helpline tonight too, I left a message.

[KIP.]

Hi, google the cycle of abuse and have a look at the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, keep a journal of his behaviour. Let your GP know. You may be able to get an occupation order to get him out the house. He’s going nowhere otherwise. These men are pathological liars. Manipulators. Mine even tried to tell me he had a lump on his testicles. They will try anything. This is a very dangerous time for you when he realises he’s losing control so be very careful and ring the police if you ever feel threatened. I had 999 on speed dial on my phone because my hands shook so much x your local womens aid are a great source of information too x hang in there.

[Author]

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