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Goodbye,
To ….. I loved you with all my heart and you took that for your own advantage, my love for you was pure heartfelt and you were the only person in the world that has made me feel this way. You were my rock and the reason I kept smiling because I felt like you understood me. You were always there when I needed someone , but the twisted thing was that you were also the reason I needed someone, the reason I was always feeling down and alone with no where to go. You were my favourite dream and my worst nightmare. It was like our bond was always tied together with a double not , if there was trouble between us we’d use eachother as comfort to get over it and honestly it was so hard for me. You were the worst thing that ever happened to me , my first love and my biggest mistake. The memories I shared with you are always treasured in my heart but they’re also the memorie haunting me everyday when I walk down the street, when I catch my bus, when I turn the lights off to go to sleep. I don’t understand how you’ve done this to me. It’s like even when I try and escape you I never can because everyday of my life your always gonna be there, always knocking me one step back helping me become my worst self because I don’t deserve to be happy without you. I know now you never felt the way I did for you because you were my heaven and I was your toy doll. I was just another person you could use to take out all your trauma. I know you didn’t deserve the things you went through but that never meant I had to feel that way just because you’d been through it too. I really hoped you would be the one person I could enjoy my life with and laugh with untill were 100. But you weren’t , you were my biggest downfall you caused me to loose myself in a way I can’t explain. You turned all my happy places into places I could no longer face as they just got destroyed by your actions. You took away all the good in my life and left me with just you to rely on because that was the only way you knew on how to get control , how to trap me when I was most vulnerable and make it almost impossible to get away. You were so munipulative and I was blinded by my feelings for you because I cared to much to see you get hurt and if that meant staying with you too keep you happy even though I was hurting I was willing to do that. So many f*****g times. I would be your shoulder to cry on anyday of the week just so I could know that you were still alive and doing better, because I really did care soo soo much for you and your safety. I took you in when you “had been kicked out”, I feel out with my mom my dad my brother, my best friend all for you because I wouldn’t listen to what they were saying. Because I wanted to see you happy regardless of my own state.ffs I even told you I wouldn’t speak to closest friend when I really needed them because you didn’t like them. I was so emotionally drained and unstable and you loved it because you’d left me with nothing and only one path backwards. You really thought you had it all planned out. And for that I am stupid for ever listening to you , hearing you out , trying to help you no matter how hurt I was, no matter what you put me through. But I was also so brave because I finally stood up to you even though it didn’t work the majority of the time, the fact I found a way to escape is one of my strongest moments of my life. I realised that what you were doing was the reason I felt so exhausted and isolated. The day you threatened me about talking to the police was they day I realised you were so in the wrong and that it finally wasn’t my fault, because it was always my fault. Those first 2 days of having no calls email or fake accounts were so scary I was terrified of what you might do but I was also relieved because I knew I was starting to get away from you and all your mindgames. But them when you turned up at my college you trapped me again and I felt like there was no chance I could ever escape you. I was so wrong. I found my way out. I spoke up and you put me through the most frightening experience of my life. I had panick attacks for 2 weeks straight I couldn’t sleep for 2 months , I felt like you were still here because I’d never been able to escape you before so what’s saying you aren’t here now. I still to this day panick at the thought that your in the darkness, the shadows behind me , just waiting for the right moment to attack. I carried pepper spray for months fearing the worst. But it’s over now. Your dead to me. And this is my goodbye,
(detail removed by Moderator) What you did to me was cruel and for that I will never forgive you. But in some ways I am glad because you’ve taught me to be brave bad stand up to my bully’s , to speak up when I need help and that even if you shut the people that mean most to you out of your life they will always be there to support you because they are family and I am so grateful for my mom for being there by my side every night when I was shaking scared sick that you were behind me coming back for more. I’m glad that no other girl was put through what you did to me because they might not have been brave and they’d still be trapped in your vicious cycle. Your disgusting actions have taught me strength and to trust that my voice matters and I hope you learn that what you did to me was so wrong. I will always hope that one day you recognise that your ill and traumatised and that drugs aren’t ever gonna take the pain away. So f**k you for being the worst pain I’ve ever felt and f**k you for the s**t you’ve caused for me. Because at the end of the day you achieved your goal, you’ve given me trauma like you had too and these long term effects don’t just go away over night. F**k you for the suffering you’ve caused and the guilt you put on me. But thankyou to all my friends and family for helping me realise that it wasn’t my fAult I didn’t cause you to act this way you just have a serious problem and I hope one day you do speak to one of those numbers I gave you , go to thereapy and deal with your trauma instead of taking it out on everyone else. If you ever read this , just know that even though I will always love you, I will always hate you for how you treated me. (detail removed by Moderator) x -
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