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    • #147701

      I’m (once again) trying to figure out what is going on.

      In recent years my husband has been withdrawing affection, giving me the silent treatment, blaming me, calling me a bully and an abuser…

      It seems like abuse from what I have read and support I’ve got from Women’s Aid, but the thing I can’t shake off is that I have got mad at him and shouted at him. I think this was because I would get so frustrated at not being listened to, him walking off, the silent treatment, but I’m not really sure what came first. So maybe we were in this demand-withdraw pattern because of me. If I had been better, then he wouldn’t have reacted as he has.

      I’ve tried to resolve my anger issues though. But it didn’t seem to make a difference. He would just withdraw/walk away and say he knew how I would react, he didn’t want to fight etc, so I didn’t get a chance to show how reasonable I could be. But maybe he was just scared of me. I don’t think so but how can i know?

    • #147704

      Hi, I think we have all been in that heads pace at some point of, well I shouted back or shouted louder so am I to blame. The answer is no. The difference between you and your abuser is you are concerned, worried that you may have impacted or that you need to take some responsibility, not for his actions you don’t, nit any of his behaviours are down to you. Has he shown concern or worry for how he has treated you?

      When we are in that cycle of abuse , fight, flight, freeze we can sometimes fight back, it is part of the abuse cycle. Other times we take off whether it be sitting in a car, a walk or hiding in a room (inwould hide out in my bedroom or bathroom).

      No matter what you do he will not be reasonable with you, he will continue to try and manipulate you and blame you. Do not believe a word he says, trust your gut ❤

    • #147716

      Exactly as Heretohelp said we’ve all thought this and no, you’re not the abuser. You know why? Because you’re asking that exact question. Does he ever ask that? Nope or if he does it’s with an audience say a counsellor, but not to you. You show remorse for getting upset, abusers don’t or if they do it’s to get something out of you, to get you on side again I.e. fake with a purpose, not genuine.

      The other part is that you’re shouting is a reaction to something being done to you, like you say you get so frustrated you explode. Whereas I’d put money on his rage being out of the blue or out of proportion to the thing he says caused it – e.g. did he flip because the house wasn’t tidy in his view or you didn’t pick up his call quick enough.

      I’m betting you don’t have ‘anger issues’, you’ve been pushed and pushed to react (not always obvious or big things but maybe a drip drip drip to annoy you) and he’s telling you you have anger issues, because then you’ll doubt yourself, worry about reacting and become more and more compliant to his ways. Sadly nothing you do or change will ever be enough or work longterm, these ppl just aren’t wired like us. xx

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