Sometimes such small thingds

[FedUpWithTheRollercoastee]

Hello,

Is it just me, or are there days where you spend way too much time analysing really small moments, which seem inconsequential, yet also massive in the general mood of the relationship?

E. G. The other day, he was talking about a situation at work and listening, but wanting to show engagement, I asked which client he was talking about. I didn’t do it in a dismissive manner, I thought I was engaging and showing my interest. Immediately he stopped talking, looked away and sad “never mind”. I said “no, I want to hear, I just wondered which company you were referring to” “doesn’t matter, never mind” he replies. Again, I persisted, until eventually he started talking again.

I spent hours thinking about this exchange. It was so perplexing to me. It felt like I had somehow disappointed him by trying to have a conversation. Then I got angry because it does indeed feel like he simply always wants me to just listen not say anything, ever.

(detail removed by Moderator) I had been extremely busy spring cleaning. Doing lots of very tedious jobs. I was tired. He asked what I’d done. I went to tell him. He really wasn’t interested and pretty much cut me off and started to listen to a (detail removed by Moderator). I know my jobs are probably very boring to him. But surely, in the interest of a balanced and supportive relationship, he could at least feign interest?

Am I being out of line here?

I honestly feel like a stepford wife most of the time. This is not who I am.

Sorry for long rant. I feel a fraud coming on here sometimes since these things probay seem really petty and they are, in isolation. It is just when I add the all together it all feels a bit overwhelming and hopeless.

[Bananaboat]

Have you read ‘Why does he do that’ y Lundy Bancroft? Even the small stuff has meaning.

Sadly we’re here to feed into their imaginary image of a relationship but god forbid we have a view or our own needs. The hours spent analysing stuff like this is common but you’ll never figure it out as hell just keep moving the goalposts 🙁

[FedUpWithTheRollercoastee]

Thanks Bananaboat. I have just found a few audio clips / videos by Lundy Bancroft and wow! Lots of it makes so much sense and really resonates thank you.

Yes. Goalposts shift constantly.

Am trying to focus on myself more (fitness, diet etc) for some much needed self care.

I just don’t understand why someone who says they love me, treats me like s**t on his shoe?

I am just there to serve to his every need and anticipate what those needs might be.

Sorry, a minor peeve,, but….

I washed and ironed a whole pile of his stuff a few days ago. What do you know… The One shirt that was still in the ironing pile, was the very one that he wanted this morning! He would never think to iron the thing himself. The fact he has multiple shirts he normally wears to work, ready, ironed didn’t matter. Oh, and he made this snarky comment about it as he left the house. Leaving me frustrated and annoyed. Yet, apparently, I use a “negative and grumpy tone” with him, that annoys him all day (I may sometimes, but not always).

I’m just so sick of the double standards and being accused of stuff that he does all the time, with impuninity!

Anyway. Rant over. Thanks so much for caring enough to reply. I hope you are OK?

[Indeepindance]

Oh this resonated! It hurts so much doesn’t it?
I had a call with my ex during our first split as we wanted to work things out. Texts from him were lovely prior to the call so I couldn’t wait to soeakcro him. (detail removed by Moderator) hours on that call at a time he decided, he spoke down to me the whole call saying what I needed to change. I forced myself not to stand up for myself so as not to rock the boat, was so hard. Anyway, eventually he asks me how my children are and when I start to tell him he cuts me short saying ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ I was WINDED. Like what the hell I just gave you (detail removed by Moderator) hours of MY working day and you diminished me like that? Can’t believe I went back, but I didn’t stay for long. Still miss the other version of him but that’s the one memory that sorts me out. Don’t stand for it from anyone please, look after you xxxxx

[Author]

Posts