Son being surly

[Serenity]

I posted the other day that I gave my eldest a telling off.

He’d been very disrespectful all week and having contact with his dad didn’t help it.

I was really triggered, and told him a few home truths.

Thing is, he seems really sad now. I don’t think he’s deliberately sulking- he’s being polite and everything- but he’s being very distant and seems unhappy.

I feel so upset that I was so to the point with him. I know he knows to know his behaviour isn’t acceptable, but maybe I was a bit too direct.

His dad is harsh and insensitive to him. He doesn’t need me being anything like that.

I know they say it’s bad to overcompensate for the other parent, to be too soft- as the ‘split’ parenting can in fact give rise to an unhealthy personality in the child- I child who is full of hurt from one parent but is spoilt by the other.

I know the ideal is to criticise the behaviour and not compare them to their dad, but I did this for a long time and he was being hoovered up by my ex and seemed to be behaving like him. Because I was saying nothing negative about my ex, maybe he thought how his dad behaved was ok. I needed maybe to remind him that his dad was not a good influence? I don’t know. It’s so hard.

My heart is aching today. I feel I was abusive. I love my son so much and I hate myself.

[KIP.]

Do not hate yourself for being assertive. This was the awful dilemma I faced with my son and it was because of the conditioning of abuse. My friends and family would reprimand their children over their behaviour and then move on. When I reprimanded my son it became a huge emotional issue for me. Standing up to bad behaviour with my ex always resulted in some form of retribution. So reprimanding my son triggered all sorts of feelings of guilt and fear. You did nothing wrong. And after a child is reprimanded, he sulks. I think perhaps we try to read too much into it because of years of always trying to gauge the mood of our abusers, trying to keep two steps ahead to avoid another outburst. You are a fab mum. You fought for your kids, you provide for your kids and will be there for them when they need you. Try to give your son space now to process his behaviour. And be kind to yourself. Parenting is a difficult job and involved pointing out disrespectful behaviour X

[Confused123]

hey hun

please remember kids need consitency, do not compare yourself to your ex, you are a better parent then him, you always let your kids know u provide for them through things u do, u love them endless, they can see this , do not feel guilty for being firm and do not let them know u feel guilty as they will take advantage.

When dealing with my children i try to view like this , the abuse happend, it was horrific, i know i should of left earlier, but i did my total best to protect kids at all times and left wehen was right, where others judge me i took to long to leave, i left when was safe with both kids which was not possible had i left earlier. As a parent i can guide u to the best of my knowledge and expreince, i may not always get it rigth but there is no right or wrong way of parenting, support is avaibale for allof us, it is our choice whether we wish to take it, i always bare in mind my kids find it difficult to reach out for support, so i will be patient till u are ready to take that support and try and be your support. Where you are wrong i will tell u and likewise where u feel i am wrong u can tell me, i always try to justify my actions and comments, please remmeber that i am the parent and have your best intrest in heart, we willnot always agree on my decisions but again i ask you to respect and follow rules i have in place.

YOu said what u needed to say, now let him reflect on that , u do not need to feel guilty, show contunity in daily life, sometimes our kids want us to be firm and stick to our decision, this is something i learnt from my son who showeed me lots of challenging behaviour, they need to see us as the parent not the one being controlled by the child who gets his way everytime. Think woudl u of reacted that way if the scenario was other way around, hope my tips help u

[Confused123]

hey hun

please remember kids need consitency, do not compare yourself to your ex, you are a better parent then him, you always let your kids know u provide for them through things u do, u love them endless, they can see this , do not feel guilty for being firm and do not let them know u feel guilty as they will take advantage.

When dealing with my children i try to view like this , the abuse happend, it was horrific, i know i should of left earlier, but i did my total best to protect kids at all times and left wehen was right, where others judge me i took to long to leave, i left when was safe with both kids which was not possible had i left earlier. As a parent i can guide u to the best of my knowledge and expreince, i may not always get it rigth but there is no right or wrong way of parenting, support is avaibale for allof us, it is our choice whether we wish to take it, i always bare in mind my kids find it difficult to reach out for support, so i will be patient till u are ready to take that support and try and be your support. Where you are wrong i will tell u and likewise where u feel i am wrong u can tell me, i always try to justify my actions and comments, please remmeber that i am the parent and have your best intrest in heart, we willnot always agree on my decisions but again i ask you to respect and follow rules i have in place.

YOu said what u needed to say, now let him reflect on that , u do not need to feel guilty, show contunity in daily life, sometimes our kids want us to be firm and stick to our decision, this is something i learnt from my son who showeed me lots of challenging behaviour, they need to see us as the parent not the one being controlled by the child who gets his way everytime. Think woudl u of reacted that way if the scenario was other way around, hope my tips help u

[Serenity]

Thank you both.

KIP: I can really identify with what you say about being triggered and reading too much into it. As you say, many parents reprimand their children and move on.

Confused: you are very right about kids needing a strong parent who sticks to their decision, and you’re also right in saying that I mustn’t let him see I feel guilty as he might take advantage. He already said something the other day about me needing to ‘justify myself’ to him about something, and my ears pricked up because I realised he was maybe sensing I needed his validation about something, but as a parent I need to be strong in myself and stick to my values.

It’s funny, (detail removed by moderator) when you’ve been in an abuse situation, clear cut parenting techniques which a parent wouldn’t normally question themselves about come with all kinds of guilt and fear. I should reread the parenting course, and remind myself it’s normal!

Yes, I must give him space to reflect x

[Confused123]

you doing really well hun, keep posting whenever u need support and hold on to the fact that living with an abuser makes us experienced in dealing with them, recognise the steps ahead that your son is displaying so u dont fall in same trap again, im sure your son is not doing what ex did, but beleive me hun , even our kids will try their luck with us just to test the water

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