Son just told me he wants to live with his dad

[Getmylifeback]

My son is (detail removed by moderator) and this morning after kids were squabbling and I told them off (but more him as I could hear him at her, so reminds me off his father in that way 😢) and he got trippy after saying I always blame him and now he says he’s made his mind up and is going to live with his dad.

He’s a stubborn one and I’m sure he me and every word. I did call him an idiot this morning and thoroughly regret that but they were falling out again, j was late for work and my daughter was crying saying he’d kicked her and she had a muddy footprint on her new jeans.

I’m now sat crying in my work car park having dropped kids at my in-laws. Their dad will be seeing them later so I know my son will tell him he wants to live with him.

I’m so upset and petrified what will happen next. Upset as until the last few months his dad has been rubbish, never made time for him, he’s me we done homework, bedtime, anything yet now he’s being bought everything under the sun.

I know my daughter would be devastated as they have a very much love hate relationship.

I don’t know what to do. I’m sure I’ll go to pick him up tonight and his dad will be there loving every minute of it (we are certainly not on good terms).

[diymum@1]

hi, this happened to me my daughter went to live with her dad but it was because i couldnt cope with her behaviour she was late teens at this point. can you ask to talk to him privately over the phone. just keep it simple and ask that he does not discuss this with anyone as you need to talk to him on his return home. reiterate its very important. you have to take the stance your the resident parent and you know how abuse works. he dosent. straight talking when he gets home – his dad will not offer him good role modelling and i can guarantee he will end up like his dad kids mimic behaviours. my biggest regret now is not getting help and keeping my kid with me. he used her in away that i never imagined (detail removed by moderator). this is what these men do – have you read why does he do that theres a chapter on abusers as parents its quite an eye opener they will use them against you without care. your son needs to know the truth in this situation so that you can protect him. he needs you to be the strongest most outstanding mum right now – thats what he needs. i hope tbis helps my heart goes out but stay strong you know you are the good responsible adult hear you know more about abuse than anyone else in your boys life. you have the upper hand really – call womens aid for addvice xx much love diymum

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you for your reply.

I can’t talk to him until I pick him up as he’s with his father’s parents on a day out today. So I will have to face it tonight.

Im mean mummy who is trying to set boundaries on his behaviour and yes I ca be strict , dad lets him play call of duty (which I’ve banned from our house and dad knows this) until 11pm at night. This is what I’m up against.

At 10 can he make the choice, would He have a chance with a dad who has recently (detail removed by moderator).

I’m thinking I need a solicitor appt pronto 😢

[diymum@1]

no hes not going to have that responsibilty on his shoulders the courts dont like to this. he has no idea what abuse is. to be with his dad given all the history wouldnt be in his best interest thats what the court holds as paramount. you do have to gradually enlighten him though id get womens aid to work with him i know it sounds daunting and your ex wont like it. but who cares this is about your boys future xxxx

[diymum@1]

your ex might try to put u into a tail spin with this but dont let him be clear given the circumstances you know whats best for you son a child dosent so you need to be the one to make the decisions. your ex isnt the responsible one on paper – you have nothing to worry about xx please hold that thought from someone whos been there xxxx hugs diymum

[KIP.]

You’re extremely vulnerable at the moment and your son is testing you. It’s no upto him where he lives. You’re his mother and it’s upto you, not him. If he brings it up again, tell him in no uncertain terms he’s with you till he’s 16 so he better make the most of it. Otherwise he will use this rod to beat you with for years to come. Don’t let him see it’s upset you. Laugh it off if your ex brings it up. You’re in charge here x big girl pants on x

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you both.

He’s such a lovely boy but is sensitive and emotionally immature. I’ve bee paying for him to have counselling every week in school. He has ADHD and is on school SENCO so is more vulnerable and can fly off the handle sometimes.

It really broke my heart this morning, I know it sounds stupid but j felt I couldn’t believe how ungrateful he was. I took (detail removed by moderator) days off work last week to look after him when he was ill, where was his dad then when I had to get my parents to come help me as he was too poorly to leave the house and I had to get my daughter from school.

I know he blames me for leaving, he just doesn’t get it whereas my younger daughter is far more mature. She’s told her teacher daddy scares her when he shouts at mummy and it’s been logged as she was struggling this week at school and sleeping.

God I hate him!!!

[KIP.]

Motherhood is the most difficult job in the world and kids can be mercenary and hurtful. It’s a thousand times worse when you’re vulnerable and have been abused. Try to take a step back and don’t react with your heart. Kids are always pushing the boundaries and my son could be an ungrateful little so and so. I’m sure I was like that when I was a child too. It’s just magnified for you at the moment. He’s angry and lashing out. He needs to know it’s not acceptable behaviour.

[KIP.]

Hey we were all sensitive and emotionally immature at (detail removed by moderator). Just wait for the teenage years lol x keep your chin up x you’re doing a great job 👍

[diymum@1]

address it with him when hes back home – you always want whats best for him and he stays with you – because you make the decisions thats how it is. then let things settle down. i remember being pulled in line at this age and i knew i needed it. i can remember thinking shes right i shouldnt have done that. if he knows to treat women with respect especially his mum he will do better in relationships with women xxxx it is the hardest job in the world to be super mum especially when youve been through so much xxxx you do get there tho x

[Getmylifeback]

First thing he said is that he is still going to live with dad. I told him until he is 16 he will live with me and he has no choice. He’s gone mad saying he hates his life, it was better before and wants to go back to his old house.
He said he doesn’t trust me and trying to grasp at his reason it’s because I promised him the arguing would stop and it hasn’t.
I told him I’ve put boundaries with his dad in place and he isn’t allowed to come and argument he won’t have it and is laid in bed crying wanting to be alone.
Thanks
What the hell do I do. His dad will ring soon to say good night.

[lover of no contact]

You’re doing great. Don’t panic the situation will pass and calm down. It’s good your son is crying; that is a healthy and he needs to let his emotions out. He will feel secure with your boundary(of him having no choice and having to live with u till he’s 16)even though their may be a bit of flac. The flac will pass.

It’s normal for your son to grieve his old life. His feelings are coming out now with this situation, this situation has allowed any pentagon up feelings to come out. Let him cry but be there for him as you always are.

Everyone hurts and is affected when there is an abuser around.

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you everyone. After the other night when the above happened nothing has been mentioned by my son. He hasn’t spoken to his dad about it either which makes me think he was testing the water.

I had an hour’s meeting with solicitor which included this, she assured me that with my husband’s rehab/addiction, the fact I’ve always bee main carer, fact daughter has told school she was scared of him and won’t stay that I need to stop worrying.

I’m going to get Xmas out the way then file for divorce and get finances settled.

[KIP.]

Well done you 👏 a small trick I learned was never to react right away. Always give it 24 hours for your emotions to calm down and the rational part of your brain to kick in. I’m sure your son knows exactly what side his bread is buttered on x make sure you have all the evidence you need for a quick divorce and settlement. You can divorce him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. Your solicitor sounds good. Like she knows what she’s doing. Too many often sit on the fence x

[lover of no contact]

Well done that is great news. Your firm stance that your son is not going anywhere till he’s 16 will make your son feel safe and secure.

[sherrybelle]

My adult son and I are very close. Recently he went to live with his father for work purposes. My son has had a rose tinted image of his dad…and is he is now being gas lighted by his dad. However the bond my son and I have is strong and I have faith it will endure. His father can’t keep up the pretence continually and my boy is seeing for himself the truth. Guilt and fear of losing the love of my children has been the hardest thing to bear in my own experiences and sadly children will play up to that. Your son needs discipline and strong boundaries … I was the same with mine. Build firm foundations.

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you. He hasn’t mentioned anything since and obviously hasn’t mentioned it to his father thank God!

[diymum@1]

thats great news hun xx a few hurdles ahead but youve handled this one like you have everything else. look how far youve come. you done so amazingly well 🙂 xxxx your a great mum take care

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you DIY mum. I’m doing my best.

So hard to stay on focus sometimes. For example in front of kids he suggests a family trip on Christmas eve and of course the kids live the idea. If I say no I’ll be the horrible one. He’s already coming to spend Christmas day with us all.

He keeps saying how much he misses them. I just think pity he didn’t when we were there and he had no time for us and just did his own thing all the time.

[diymum@1]

yeh its all a huge fasade. to little too late. id stick to your guns keep the kids in your ‘real’ world you know best xxxx

[KIP.]

You need to put boundaries in place for everyone’s sake. It’s not fair on the kids. They need to know they have two separate parents. He’s going to use this to hook you back in. Next time he brings something up in front of the kids say you’ll think about it. I don’t think he should even be seeing you as this is when the games get worse. Handover elsewhere at the bottom of your path even. This scenario isn’t going to end well. Coming for Xmas to your home is another bad idea. Once an abuser always an abuser. He won’t change.

[diymum@1]

i did this the first year – he came for christmas i ended up asking him to leave. he used it as an opportunity to look through all of my mail and route around the house! i felt very intimidated to be honest and i think he did that intentionally. never again. you do need very clear lines with him now. you dont have to have contact with him you can have a third party its much better and it keeps things cooler. if he spirals with the kids time to draw in contact you already have good grounds xx

[lover of no contact]

I agree that it’s so important to implement a strict No Contact regime with him. Contact with him strengthens him and weakens you and your children. You’re allowed change your mind. So you can change your mind about you having contact with him on Christmas Day. Even though you are separated you can still be abused if you have any bit of contact. It’s not the separation that stops us being on the receiving end of direct abuse but whether or not we’re having contact or not.

My children didn’t like my strict No Contact regime with him ( they lived with him half the time). They wanted me to be amicable (their words as it’s umpossible to be amicable with an abuser) but they are used to it now and I can’t stress enough how it’s the best. Even their graduations I refused his invite through the children to have the meal together. I didn’t even greet him at the ceremonies but stayed well away. He didn’t like it. My children didn’t like it. But it was the best for me!

[diymum@1]

this is good advice xx it feels wrong but in this instance its the only way. it will save you lots of pain and hardship down the line for the long term. do what you have to do. you and the kids first before him xx you totally deserve that xx

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