Sons birthday

[Buddy]

Hi guys , as you all know I am having silent treatment still ..
my son has his birthday (removed by moderator) and before silent treatment we decided not to buy a special birthday cake as so expensive and didn’t think he would appreciate it , my son being a robust teenage boy .
I bought one (removed by moderator) .. nice but from a box in supermarket .
(removed by moderator) he walks in the house with a birthday cake especially made .. which we agreed not too ( a way of getting to me I guess ? ) as he saw I bought bog standard one as agreed .
I know it sounds like he has done a nice thing but I feel sick to my stomachs and trying not to cry as trying to be strong , as wow what an amazing dad he looks and again he has belittled me ..
I hate him x

[KIP.]

It’s mind games. Don’t let him in your head. They do the opposite because they can. He’s setting you up because if you say anything he will turn it round on you about how selfish you are etc after making an agreement, it’s a taunt to get you riled so he can further abuse. Do not engage. Try smiling and saying that’s really nice of you what a lovely thought. Then Walk away and watch the confusion x

[KIP.]

If your son is anything like my son was as a teenager he won’t care. And will probably see right through. He knows who really cares x

[gettingtired]

My Mum told me my Dad used to do things like that. Bring chocolate home from work for me and give me it right before dinner when I was a baby. How pathetic. I’d try to rise above it if you can x

[Eggshells]

Oh, I feel for you. He’s achieved what he set out to achieve – to get one over on you. Please don’t believe for one moment that this was anything to do with his affection for your son.

KIP is right, your son will probably see straight through this and I doubt he’ll care about the cake. He’s a teenager, if the cake even gets eaten, the cost and handmade touches will mean nothing to him. It all goes down the same way whether it’s specially made or from ASDA.

If you feel the need, you can be honest with your son and let him know that you had agreed not to buy a special cake but I think he’ll find it very odd. I suspect he’ll appreciate a hand made cake about as much as he’d appreciate a beautiful hand crafted handbag.

In future, it might be best just to do what you want to do and don’t even discuss it with his Dad. The more his Dad knows about your thoughts and feelings, the greater the arsenal in his armoury.

Your son knows you love him. He doesn’t need a special cake to prove it. Having raised two sons, I can confidently say that it’s the sort of gesture that is completely lost on teenager. More fool his Dad; feel free to laugh at his stupidity!

[Buddy]

Thanks everyone .. I honestly can’t believe the strength you all give me .
I knew his game and to top it off both my children and my friend were here when he walked in with the (detail removed by moderator) .. I bet he felt so good about himself .
I have spoken to my son and he finished my scentences for me .. I said to him Mam bought the (detail removed by moderator) as dad and I agreed on it .. and he replied saying and daddy did that without you knowing !!
So he knows and is old enough to see through it I hope !
My mum said I am prob right but maybe he is trying to get into my good books by doing a nice gesture 😬 I shot her down straight away , as my gut told me everything when he walked in holding (detail removed by moderator) like it was a crown jewel !! My tummy was churning .
Thank u all for clarifying what I thought xx

[KIP.]

A nice gesture would be to stick to the agreement and Thank you for getting the cake on his behalf. Your mum is wrong, she may mean well but it’s adding to the confusion. Our children see much more than we think. Instead of concentrating on the positives of his birthday it’s all about his dads behaviour. He’s should not as a child be worrying about seeing through abuse. All this is having a detrimental effect on his childhood. It takes precious time and precious memories. Try to cut your abuser out the things that you do x Wasting headspace trying to predict his next move and compensate for his abuse is time and headspace you should be spending on yourself and your family having happy Times. I wasted years talking. About the c**p my ex did to me but I should have acted way sooner to get myself out but I had no idea what he was doing, no outside help, no women’s aid. Don’t make my mistake and be sitting there when your son is a young man and has learned to copy and abuse x stay safe 💕

[Buddy]

Thanks for your advice kip .
This is so b****y hard .
I am trying to save money , I don’t contribute to the household bills , never have , my money has helped towards holidays and extras , and he pays everything else .
I did use his money for food shopping (detail removed by moderator)  said to me (detail removed by moderator) ..with a raised voice I hasten to add( I thought to myself oh talking to me now are u ?)
I said (detail removed by moderator).
Now that he can see I am working more.
I am not saying I shouldn’t be contributing but for years I have not worked much as looked after the children , so it’s a habit we have falling into. Plus he is awful with money.
I just transferred some of the money I have been saving to my mum to keep as worried he will ask to see my account when we go through money , as I have been saving for a safety net for myself .
Now I am sending myself in a spin and thinking am I financially abusive doing this .
I have read so much about abuse now I am thinking I am just as bad , is this normal ?
Sorry but I am so anxious at the moment x

[KIP.]

All your emotions will be mixed up. If you were dealing with a reasonable human being these steps wouldn’t be necessary but you’re not. You will need money for you and your child because you can bet he will give you nothing unless the law makes him. We are not bad people and hiding things from our abuser will make us anxious but you can bet he feels no anxiety about hiding things from you. Push past the anxiety and remind yourself that there is an absolute need for keeping things from him. I wish I’d known more because I’d declared every penny when it came to the divorce and he had stolen and hidden tens of thousands and the court aren’t interested. It costs a huge amount of money to go to court and fight it out so if I knew then what I know now you can bet I’d get down and dirty. Hide as much as you can. Make sure your mum knows to keep quiet. Who’s to say you don’t have a gambling problem or chuck all your money into a fruit machine. Just make sure he’s not running up joint debt x

[Buddy]

Thanks kip, reassurance goes a long way !
My sons birthday (detail removed by moderator) and his mood has tipped , being really nice . Not talking loads to me but def a change in mood . Maybe in front of my son .
I am on the ball with this and can see through him . Even if he genuinely has just snapped out of it and isn’t playing games .. sorry but you can’t treat me like u have for (detail removed by moderator) then decide when time is right for you to snap back to things being normal .
Who does he think he is .

[KIP.]

He thinks he’s King of the Castle. Living With The Dominator is a great book about their entitled behaviour. Even if he’s now in the honeymoon phase or being Mr Nice, in the past you would have been so grateful you would have forgotten his abuse and have been just so relieved you weren’t being abused anymore that you would be grateful. Trauma Bond. But now you know how this cycle works and this is where I became unstuck because I wouldn’t play his game anymore. I refused to accept his behaviour, to forgive him and play Mrs Nice and his abuse and violence escalated. All the while I though he’s soon play nice again but that’s before I knew you only get nice when you’re his doormat. So now you know the game, if you still have to play, please play carefully x there’s no winning here, just staying safe and minimising the d loss and damage x

[Buddy]

Thanks kip , not sure what I would do without u at the moment .. we are in lockdown here for (detail removed by moderator) .. so I am working loads ( I am a key worker ) just to get out of the house .
It transpires that his nice behaviour was just in front of my son ( which I am almost grateful for as didn’t want atmosphere when he was opening his presents)
He since hasn’t looked at me and carries on ignoring , so I am doing the same , treating him as he treats me. So b****y childish !!
I am desperately looking for somewhere to live on line all the time , but most need to save so much more money , so can furnish it etc .
Just doing my own thing , working, cooking etc . But it’s defo taking its toll on me 😭

[KIP.]

Hi Buddy, at this stage my ex had started manipulating my son behind my back. Just stay alert to this. Buying him the cake is to upset you but also trying to get him on his side. My ex was doing things and saying don’t tell mum. Discrediting you when he thinks his abuse is going to be exposed is paramount to him. When you won’t back down he will get more abusive x Stay alert s

[Buddy]

You are right kip , as (detail removed by moderator) we were in this position where I didn’t back down but my dad took the brunt of it and he hit him .. we were on (detail removed by moderator) atm and they could here him screaming at me through the (detail removed by moderator) wall ..
I will be alert and thank you xx

[Author]

Posts