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The last couple of weeks had been particularly horrendous with verbal emotional abuse of which the kuds have witnessed the majority of.
I spoke to my son tonight (detail removed by moderator) and said his sister was really sad at the moment because of the bad things that have been said and hapoened recently. He turned to me and said what bad things. I said daddy saying mean things and being angry.
He didnt say anything. I said dont you want to talk about it and he saud no, nog looking me in the eye. Then he threw me by saying nothing bad has happened. I said cant yiu remember the night dad went away witb work (rehab) and he said no.
What are your thoughts? Is he blocking it out, does he perceive it as normal. I honestly dont know.
It worries me as i thought hed be the one that understands when i leave but if hes not acknowledging theres a problem ….? 😪
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What’s happening in your home is child abuse. Children witnessing abuse is child abuse and causes trauma. Trauma messes with their development. They discover ways to disassociate with the abuse by taking their mind to a safe place. It closes off memories but also stunts their emotional development. Never underestimate the effect of trauma. You can feel what it’s doing to you. Can you imagine what it does to children. It will have a dramatic effect on their adult life too. Affecting them when they least expect it. My advice is to get professional help for them through your GP. They look to you to protect them. Do you have support from women’s aid? They’re very experienced with children too. It might be worth a visit with the kids for a chat or at the very least speak to your GP before further damage is done. From experience I know my son normalised it. When he spoke to the police they said it was in a ‘matter of fact way’ about something that should have been emotional. I knew nothing about domestic abuse and trauma and was so traumatised myself. But I’ve learned a lot since then and by staying with an abuser your sentence everyone to a life of hurt. I’m not underestimating how hard it is and how dangerous it is to leave an abuser but once you understand the long term damage it might be the push you need x
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Hi GMLB
I’m sorry you’re having such an awful time.
Kip is right about kids disassociating to go to a safe place in their minds. It’s an auto response for young children and shows that they’re affected by the abuse in the household. Your son is the same age as my partner’s son.
He has full custody ( which is totally beyond belief – mum neglected and abused ) but he conned everyone in statutory services and the courts. Now on an almost daily basis he emotionally abuses and rages at his son and he witnesses him abusing me. It’s horrific but all his other needs are taken care if so I know that no one will intervene.
Do you ever notice your son ‘switching off”? My partner’s boy will “go into a sulk”( says his dad before punishing him further in some way) for a long period of time and he just seems like an empty shell but I can see how troubled he is. I’ve noticed it’s often triggered by perceived critism or if he feels like he’s not been good at doing something.
I don’t live with my abuser. I’m terrified of his anger. He’s been physically and emotionally abusive for (detail removed by moderator) years and I’m ready to end the relationship however he’s a big powerful man and has made threats that “there will be murders” and he also has a (detail of weapon removed by moderator).
I have become very attached to his son , who trusts me and I feel enourmous guilt about abandoning him to a life of continued emotional abuse. It’s affecting my health with worrying about him. He’s such a lovely boy who’s not allowed to have any feelings, he can’t make normal childhood mistakes , (which is impossible) for fear of being punished, ignored for days or deprived of something etc so he lives in this world of anxiety and shutting down.
On a more positive note – my mum divorced my dad in the 7O’s due to abuse from my dad. I’ll never forget a primary school teacher saying to me that it must be awful being from a “broken home”…..I stood up and very proudly said “ my home’s not broken Miss ,… it’s mended!!!” AND IT WAS!
Now I’m in this situation I have enourmous respect and admiration for my mum …. she kept us safe and gave us peace of mind.
Take care xx
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It’s hard to say as we don’t know what’s occuring for him, but we do know experiencing this can be damaging. He may be identifying with his father? Idolise him so much he doesn’t see anything wrong, so he’s not questioning his father’s actions. It maybe he doesn’t understand what is really going on, not have the verbal langauge to artiulate his thoughts and feelings. It could be he’s oblivious to it or it could be he’s withdrawn emotionally.
Kids usually internalise their situtation and believe it is their fault, maybe for now it’s about making it clear to him that none of this is his fault and he couldn’t have done a thing to stop it or change it, that you recognise he is going through this family change too, that sometimes things happen to us in life that are outside of our control and this is one of those times for him, so we need to work out the best way forwards.
Maybe just for now to acknowledge it’s not his fault and that he is part of this too, this is also happening to him and you see that – that will help for now. He’s still very young emotionally, I doubt very much if he understands his feelings. He loves both of his parents hey so it is confusing.
Would they see a counsellor? Your local womens aid charity might be able to help with this, there are also some charities, Relate offer this service. I’m sure if you googled what’s in your area you would find something, (detail removed by moderator) – there are others. It might be better for both of them to talk to someone not inside the family, so they feel free to say what they need to say and work through it, rather than feel alone with their thoughts and feelings; it may well be that they feel unable to talk to you or dad because they dont want to upset you – which is normal x
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this is difficult when your still in the situation as otherwise id say the womens aid childrens groups are really good. I did this with my daughter she went for about six months 0nce a week. they took her out with other kids (some from refuge) they did activities and spoke about how they were feeling etc. they taught her about her rights and what was acceptable behaviour. One of the workers and my daughter built up such a good trusting rapport. this is only an option if youre out I guess? sometimes boys don’t want too look like theyre hurting and try to hide there feelings. There is maybe an element of denial for him – it sounds like the GP would be a good person to discuss your worries with. The book when dad hurts mum covers how the kids feel through this and how to address these issues at their level xxxx remember though kids are very resilient he will and can recover xxxx much love diymum
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He has recenylt been diagmosex with inatfentive disorder, hes immature for hix age and does come across very black and white almost cold sometimes. He struggles with difficult situations.
When i get out ill speak to GP and see what sge suggests.
In the meantime hell get my love anx cudfles as usual. Were looking af secondary schools at the moment so hes a littleel anxious anyway.
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