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Hello everyone,
It’s been a while since I last posted and still haven’t made up my mind on whether to report or not. I’m still feeling pretty low, scared and insecure about everything.
I did recall something though: the day after my ex boyfriend raped me (whilst asleep for 95% and recovering from (detail removed by Moderator) in my knee) the atmosphere in the house was very tensed. I hadn’t slept much after the rape and mainly been starring at the ceiling and silently crying. I got up very late (also to avoid meeting his mum downstairs in the kitchen, who came along pretty much everyday) and had an extra long shower. Not to wash off the bad feelings, or perhaps also, but mainly because I felt really, really cold (despite it not being cold) and longed for some comfort.
After that and getting dressed, I went down with my crutches and settled into the sofa in the kitchen with my painful knee on another chair with a pile of pillows. When my ex boyfriend came in and sat down with a plate, bread, butter and cheese, he complained saying “(detail removed by Moderator)“. I was shocked and felt as if I was going to explode, but nothing more came across my lips but a soft spoken “(detail removed by Moderator)“. To which he answered “sorry about that, (detail removed by Moderator)“.
I didn’t say anything anymore (he also didn’t finish his lunch, as work was calling again), all I could think was “I wish there was someone I could ring to help me get me out of here”. I didn’t know who though and stayed until I was able to properly walk again. Then I packed my bags and drove off.
We never talked about the incident again, I only expressed anger a few times (by email) over the fact that he had behaved reckless in terms of my health. The word ‘rape’ didn’t come to my head yet. It’s only up until a few months ago that I dare to give that label to the incident. I never knew how to call such things within a relationship. Sexual abuse was – for as far as I knew – only sexual abuse when it was done by family members or strangers.
Recalling his “sorry about that” now, I can’t help but think that he knew he had been wrong. Despite it not feeling like a genuine “sorry” at that moment.
Has any of you ever got a “sorry” after a rape by a ex partner? And what did the police say about? And did your ex partner still feel brave enough to admit that “sorry” to the police or did he deny having said it?
Wishing you all a bit of light in these grey October days!
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I never got a sorry. I got twisted excuses and blame. No way would he ever admit to anything. Was detained but lied and denied all the way. You say the word rape was never mentioned so his sorry about that could really mean anything. Like sorry that you feel that way. He absolutely knew he had been wrong but they seem to convince themselves otherwise. They rewrite history. But you know the truth x
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Hi Garden Girl,
I’m so sorry for what you went through. Big hugs.
My ex never, ever apologised in all the years he made my life hell- except once when he called me a c, and as I was beginning to find my voice, he grudgingly spat out a ‘sorry’ which was far from heartfelt ( I’m amazed that he did say that, actually: maybe the coward was shrinking as he felt my strength- normally, he’d have immediately punished me for having an opinion!).
After he left, he said that we’d ‘both done things wrong’ ( oh yes, like I’d done the sick things he had?!) which was some type of recognition for what he’d done: however, even here, I think he had a motive- he thought that by faking an apology, something he’d denied me all those years, and by accepting culpability, I would soften towards him and not take him to the cleaners! I know how his sick mind works!
It’s hard to move forward without a true apology from them, I know. Our inner sense of justice screams that they should be asking for forgiveness and apologising for all they put us through.
But they aren’t made that way. They are self-seeking and manipulative, and any ‘apology’ has an ulterior motive, I am sure. They have a skewed way of looking at, and existing within, this world. It’s neither responsible nor loving.
I don’t believe we should forgive them. They don’t deserve it. In the absence of any genuine remorse on their part, we can take great care of ourselves and ensure that we treat ourselves with the gentle care that they should have done.
I hope that you have managed to receive some counselling to work through the sexual abuse?
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Hiya,
I got many apologies from my ex. Never about sex, as my body belonged with him for him to do as he saw fit apparently.
Some of them were just ‘sorry for how I treated you, you know I love you I just get angry’ others would be ‘I’m sorry BUT YOU KNOW FOR NEXT TIME NOT TO GIVE ME ATTITUDE’ almost like a split personality.
However, the contrition period would only last for a while and got shorter over time.
They may genuinely feel ‘sorry’ in the moment but their desire to dominate will always override any feelings resembling guilt or remorse, so it pretty quickly goes ‘back to business’ it seems.
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