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Hi,
I have posted on here a bit in the last few weeks but I wanted to say sorry – i got it all wrong. I have started to see a counsellor and they have helped me understand. I was raped, years ago, and that has led to PTSD/RTS and I have been sort of hypersensitive to things and putting my fear and anger and distrust on my husband when his behaviour is probably totally normal. I feel horrible. I was a fraud coming here, I have accused my husband, I was so confused, I was so wrong. I wanted to say I am so sorry to you all.
I wish you all the very best, you area all strong amazing powerful women and you all deserve the very best.
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Hi Oaktree,
You weren’t a fraud, you’re going through a difficult time and are here as a way to process everything. I hope the counsellor helps you to make sense of everything. I’m not saying that your husband is abusive as only you know that, but I too thought I was projecting my own insecurities onto my ex boyfriend and blamed everything on myself before in my case everything fell into place and I realised I was being abused.
I wish you all the best in working through your PTSD and difficulties and the forum is always here if you need it.
Sunshine xx
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Hi Oaktree, just to clarify that your husband is not telling you this? You can always ring the helpline number on here for extra clarity and support. I hope you find councelling helpful. I would go home and discuss the councelling with my husband and he would just ridicule it and continue to make me think it was all my fault. When it never was x
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Oak tree,
Well done for going to get counselling. I don’t think you are a fraud. Is your counsellor a specialist in Domestic Abuse? Some professionals aren’t clued up about abuse and can’t identify it for what it is. Domestic abuse requires specialist counselling.
I was in a marriage that went on for years and i can see now that it was abusive but at the time, when I was in it all I could see was that I was a person who could never get anything right, I was a person who always made her husband shout and get angry and smash things up, I made him ignore me for days. I got everything wrong and it was all my fault. I was miserable but I could never put my finger on why. I just kept trying my best to make him happy and I kept failing.
When I had my first child a domestic abuse support worker telephoned me at home and asked me if I was being abused. I said no and hung up on her. I was fiercely protective of my husband. I loved him and I needed him.
Looking back now I can see the answer was a YES, but him pulling the wool over my eyes and making me think that everything was me was all part of his game.
You sound like a lovely person, don’t be too hard on yourself, and perhaps phone the helpline to get a view from the experts if you feel like you could be in an abusr situation which perhaps your counsellor can’t recognise .X
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Thank you for your very kind replies. My counsellor is a relationship and Psychosexual counsellor. We haven’t discussed my relationship with my husband yet only the rape but it makes sense. My husband is being supportive and has done lots of reading and it was him that first found out about rape trauma syndrome and suggested that might be what is going on and it all makes sense.
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You got it ALL wrong? You’re husband thinks its normal to be aggressive sometimes, he puts his moods onto you and your daughter, even though that is affecting you both, he refuses to acknowledge responsibility for his own behaviour by blaming his ‘inner chimp’. You may be suffering PTSD from a previous traumatic event but that doesn’t mean everything is down to that. I’ve experienced that if you tell someone that you’ve suffered previous trauma or mental ill health, it can be used as a convenient way of explaining away a lot of other stuff that’s also going on. Its probably much more complex than that.
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My ex also used to read up on mental health things and found a condition he thought I had and sent me off to a therapist to get ‘treated’ for it. He even wanted to pay for it privately after an NHS therapist refused (which was a godsend because if I’d gone down that route I’d still be with him now). At the time I thought he was wonderfully supportive. Sadly it’s very common for them to convince us we are mentally ill as it sends us off on a wild goose chase trying to find out what is wrong with us blinding us to the reality that we are feeling this way because of how they are treating us, ie. they are the cause, not us.
Just keep an open mind. Talk to your counsellor about your husband and keep reaching out on here about what you’re going through even if you don’t think it’s abuse, talk to the helpline and ask their opinion etc. xx
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On the mental health and childhood trauma being used as a weapon note, my mother had severe bi-polar disorder and I told both my abusers about my childhood and how I suffered from physical and mental abuse from my mum.
Both abusers listened sympathetically at first like they really cared, but over time it kept cropping up as insults and when they were shouting at me. In both relationships they both used it against me at different times, telling me I was just like my mum, that my mood was all over the place, that i was crazy, my husband sometimes used to call me by my mother’s name- I found it very confusing. I didn’t think that I could work because I had a mental illness and couldn’t cope.
I believed I had bi-polar until I recently went to see a psychiatrist who told me that I did not have any psychiatric illness. I was relieved but I was so angry as I had been convinced by two separate men that I was unwell.If he shouts at you, if you feel scared of him, if you walk on eggshells trying to keep him happy, if he ignores you, if sulks these are all signs that something is not right.
It is all so confusing and I can understand that- it’s only now I am out that I can see it- when I was living with my husband I was just trying to survive each day without making him angry. I would not have accepted that I was in an abusive relationship, I would have done anything to protect him and our marriage.
The psychiatrist I saw this year did point out to me that I was in another abusive relationship and that despite how much I loved my abuser, the cycle of abuse had begun and would only get worse.
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Hey Oaktree. It’s important you tell her absolutely everything about your current relationship. I didn’t tell my councellor the whole picture and my ex managed to twist it all round. This is your chance to talk to a professional about everything your husband is doing to you. Tell her everything and let her help you. Don’t believe a word he tells you. Don’t let him put the blame for his behaviour onto you x
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I send you my love but also… please be aware that you need a specialist counsellor for any issues relating to abuse. Because an average counsellor with ‘normal’ training may well put responsibility onto the client.
I am just saying this to corroborate what others have.
Personally, my worst experience was with Relate. The counsellor was utterly unsympathetic to me and bowled over by my tall soft spoken ex and told me to shut up( literally) whilst my ex husband ( who had forced me to go) continued a litany of lies about me. I did not get a word in edgeways and even was not offered a hanky, or some water to drink. This was a man who tried to throttle me, had had sex with another woman, and daily gaslighted and abused me.
Sorry, I digress.
I would get a second opinion if I were you x -
Oh I feel like I am going crazy now – I keep thinking I need to come off here because it is confusing me, I seem to get everything sorted in my head and then I get confused again. I really trust my counsellor, she trained with Relate and I did say a couple of things about my husband – I told her that he threatened to go because we ‘weren’t intimate enough’, I mentioned it because it really hurt my feelings but she just sort of dismissed it and said, he probably was just feeling frustrated so then I was sure I was over-reacting, and I said that he gets angry sometimes but she didn’t say anything and its her job to help people with relationship issues so I thought that she agreed that was all normal, I thought that maybe after we have addressed my past I could sort of check with her if everything else is ok, if I am still feeling like it might not be….
Its just that everything she says fits, with being hypersensitive to stuff and I explained it to my husband when I got home and he agreed and said he would help me.
He has been really nice recently, no anger or anything so I really think its ok, the therapist said that because of my past we should have a ‘sex ban’ for 1-2 weeks to try to introduce non-sexual intimacy back and he was fine with that and hasn’t even tried anything, he said he was really looking forward to when the ban finished – which worries me as I think he thinks I will be ‘fixed’ in a fortnight so not sure how to say that it might take longer, but he really is helping.
I don’t know what to do now, like I say I think I should leave here, I know you are all trying to help but I think its confusing me more, I think i need to stick with the counsellor and my husband for help
I understand what you say about ringing the helpline but i feel like I am being disloyal to him, if i tell them individual events that almost anything can sound abusive can’t it? I don’t want him to find out I was thinking like this he would be really hurt -
Hey there. Just keep an open mind. Knowledge is Power. I knew nothing about domestic abuse. For years i was told his behaviour was all my fault. If your mother or sister was treated the way your husband treats you, what advice would you give them? Google cycle of abuse. My ex was the classic Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Donestic abuse is confusing. We dont want to accept that someone we love and we think loves us in return is actually abusing us. Just keep talking to different people, including womens aid, then you can make an educated judgement. Our abusers can be so,loving during the ‘love bombing’ phase or when they think we are going to leave. They turn on the charm like a tap but its not sincere. Its just to trap us further. Keep posting and reading other posts. Im sure you will see many similar situation to yours x
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I won’t post again because you want to sign off the forum for a bit, but I will just add this. You mention disloyalty. Your first loyalty is to yourself. If you think something is wrong you owe it to yourself to seek, from as many sources as possible, advice and support to find out what is wrong and consider what you can do about it. I have suffered from misplaced loyalty, and really paid a price for not taking care of myself. Do not isolate yourself from wider sources of support. Your support network makes you stronger. It concerns me that it is your husband that has diagnosed rape trauma syndrome, and although he assures you he will support you he then rubs his hands together in expectation of the end of the ban. This does not strike me as someone capable of being supportive. You mention that he has already threatened to leave because there isn’t enough intimacy, and I am surprised that your counsellor did not pick up on this as coercive behaviour. This is the way I see it because of what I have learned about domestic abuse but also from my own experience but it is just my opinion. You might also consider finding out about Stockholm Syndrome in relationships. Take care xx
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Hi oaktree,
I too spent quite a bit of time going to a non-domestic abuse trained counsellor. I would come away feeling relieved thinking oh it must be me, doubting myself maybe I’m too sensitive and he (my abuser-ex) can be so caring at times. I think this was the ‘bartering stage’ I was going through in the ‘grief process’ of letting go.
The stages are 1) Denial, 2) Anger 3) Bartering 4) Sadness and finally 5)Acceptance.
I was thinking if I could change a lot and not be so affected then I wouldn’t have to let go of the relationship.
I agree with teatime, my counsellor had normal training (she was not trained in domestic abuse) and put the responsibility unto me. I suppose her way of thinking was to think she could ‘sort’ or ‘fix’ it if I changed. The responsibility for changing was put onto me the client. I needed to go to her for that time as I was not ready to face the full painful truth that my husband was an abuser and got his kicks out of abusing me. After each session with the non-domestic abuse trained counsellor I would come away with hope that the marriage/relationship could be saved if only I did and felt a,b,c,d.
Anyway my husband’s abuse escalated and it took a big incident of abuse for me to see clearly and I stopped going to her. My abuser’s big incident of abuse destroyed any hope I had and my confusion was lifted.
Abusers are cunning, baffling and powerful. Us feeling confused is part of the process.
I would keep an open mind and for each session with the non-domestic abuse trained counsellor I would ring Women’s Aid for their take on your situation.
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I am so sorry you feel conflicted and I know exactly what that feels like. Relate counsellors are not trained to deal with violence or aggression. They are there to mediate a way forward for a couple.
I did not realise I was being abused until I rang Women’s Aid where they very kindly and firmly explained what was happening to me.
I thought it was my fault, you see ( somehow).It was easier that way.I know this to be cognitive dissonance now, a numb way of processing the pain and sorrow.
I had always made excuses for his behaviour.
When women’s aid explained to me I fell on the sofa and was motionless for about 3 hours and freezing cold, weeping and weeping, so alone and broken… he came in and said ‘What are you doing…?’ He looked at me and he knew I KNEW.
I got up and went away into my room.
I changed from that day and my life has been scary since but I could not have stayed with him.
He was terrible after that… it was terrible, I had to get the Police to help me.
Enough of me.
‘hypersensitive’? So you have feelings. You are allowed, you don’t need helping to not feel.
You will be ‘fixed’ w*f? I am sorry but this is completely strange to me…
I would ring the helpline, what have you got to lose?
As for him being nice… I don’t know what to say because I am not you but I have lived a long time and seen all kinds of deceit.I am in my (detail removed by Moderator).
I just do not want to say anything to disillusion you but I didn’t want to be disillusioned either, it hurts.
And maybe after all you are right about the course you are taking.
I am so sorry that you are having this difficult time, all the women here will be behind you whatever you decide. -
Please go back and read your very first post oaktree and then come back and say you got it all wrong. I do not think you have (got it all wrong) reading over your previous posts. As others have mentioned try and see a counsellor who has specialized in abusive relationships/trauma. That will be the tell-all…hopefully…both me and my abusive partner attended [detail removed by moderator] months’ of weekly relationship counselling together. It did nothing to address the abuse, as it wouldn’t, relationship counselling is based on a relationship of equals. Nothing changed, he still does the same things he always has done and he will keep doing them, until he goes to a perpetrator group and even then that is no guarantee, as men like this rarely change.
I do not think you need to feel confusion. What you wrote in the first post was you doubting yourself due to being traumatised by someone emotionally and psychologically abusing you. That is how it came across. I do hope you get the help you need. I do think you need to see what he was doing as abuse, but only you can come to terms with that. Do not leave it [detail removed by moderator] years like I have. It really screws with your brain! I know you want to address your past issues and baggage, but clearly your boyfriend is not addressing his behaviour and taking responsibility for it. Anger, mood swings, mental health issues, alcohol, drugs do not cause abuse. Abuse is not an anger issue, it is abuse. Please go and read your very first post again. I have read it over twice and I can see what he has done to you clearly.
Unless of course, you just made it all up? That is an entirely different issue and I do not think you made any of it up, you sounded upset when you wrote it.
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Hi. Please keep an open mind. Do what you need to do, but also talk very honestly about your relationship to your counsellor. Speak to womens aid aswell though its good to have alot of advise. My ex tried to persuade me that i had relationship ocd because i didnt want to be intimate with him. He’d researched it and when i spoke to my ocd therapist she said it wasnt actually a confirmed conditioner. I have ocd but not that kind i actually realised after speaking to friends and my womens aid support worker that because of his actions and verbal abuse i had slowly began to resent him and disike him because of the way he treated me. Take the time u need to figure it all out but remember its not all you!! X*x
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Hi hun
You never got it wrong in the first place
My ex said i had a mental illness to police and i was to blame.. these abusers shift blame onto us so they not responsible for there own actions
.i watched the film gaslighting..and my ex nearly sent insane from the abuse
I was referred to mental health where i was diagnosed with ptsdHes a monster
Take care hun and look after yourself xx
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