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    • #123601
      Smallasmustardseed
      Participant

      Im so sorry to write a long post again , I know I sought advice about if just personality clashes or abuse etc ..‘
      Wasn’t sure where to place this.

      I know certain actual things are not great or nice or indeed could be abuse when read in black and white but it’s hard to fully convey me and what I’m like or if I’m seeing things differently to how they actually are so I feel like I’m only giving one side and not fair to him . A kind lady replied and suggested writing a journal of things and I had started to do so on my phone , but now I feel Im seeing everything he’s doing as intimidating or a tactic perhaps and I worry that maybe I’m now just seeing it cus I’m looking and I’m making it all

      Something from nothing if that makes sense ? Sorry I know I probably don’t .

      For example this week has been a bit like a full wheel or cycle that was mentioned to look at on google. After the horrid Mother’s Day experience There were 2 clear days of making effort and lots of phone calls in the day to check I was ok to tell me he loved me. Then literally latter part of week I felt like was treading egg shells again thought perhaps I didn’t react correctly to his kindness – he was ignoring me everything was sighs or grunts again and then suddenly bam .. today it’s really brewing over. He’s obviously woken up in bad mood and it’s continuing .. eg blocking my exit , elbowing ,, sat with horrendous anger on face etc etc and I feel something is going to snap and I feel bad because I actually want it to so it clears air. Yet these cycles sometimes happen in a day and to be honest I don’t really see much “niceness” only if it was a particularly awful time or if I’ve spoken out to him. Most times he has no responsibility or “sorry “ reactions.

      I’m struggling to call helpline or to do anything to change situation because I can’t get past the constant thoughts in my head , like:

      -In past I did know certain buttons to press and should have calmed some situations down before he hurt me.
      -I knew what he was like at start but I was attracted to it because it made me feel like he was protective and cared if that makes any sense- like his anger of who i talk to I thought wow he loves me that much etc
      -If I left my kids may grow to hate me because I ended relationship- but then I’ve tried to end when things have been soo bad but he did make changes.
      Maybe I’m expecting too much ,
      -I can’t go now because it was worse a few years back physically not so much visible now so I’d seem contradictory to everyone around me

      Ultimately I just can’t stop thinking I’m the problem therefore I should put up with it and be quiet for the kids sake to have the unit and I should stop looking for problems and be happy and grateful he’s stayed with me and literally won’t leave. I feel so low today and wish I could just visit people or go for drive but because of restrictions I can’t .

      On the face of it right this second in this particular moment he isn’t “ doing anything” just in the implied faces and noises really .. and because it’s the implied it’s left to me thinking what the issue is like have I left it too messy are they too noisey am I looking awful was my food horrible does he

      Want peace shall

      I just shut us away etc give him time .. but they are MY thoughts not actually spoken so this is where I come to the point that I just think it’s me and my insecurities?

      I’m sorry again I’ve gone on so much .

    • #123606
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      You are absolutely not the problem. Please read back what you have written. This is not a caring relationship, you shouldn’t have to feel like this.

    • #123621
      Smallasmustardseed
      Participant

      Thank you for replying, I do keep re reading and I can see it sounds unhealthy and uncaring butb(my brain keeps finding buts and excuses) he’s not always like that and well I deep down know but am hopeful I guess and just can’t think clearly I’m sorry x

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