26th January 2016 at 10:10 am #8360StarmoonParticipant
When comes the clarity that it was abuse…? Family and friends tell me it was. Last year I attended one freedom project day and never went back I didn’t feel he fitted the bill. They all told me there that he was an abuser but was it just how I told my version of events, I can’t seem to tell it without it coming accross that way- am I really so messed up that subconsciously I think it is abuse even when it’s not?!.. i realize I have a tendency to use projection. I have low self esteem and think badly of myself so I assume others think it too. If my peception in that sense is so off… Then I was bound to see him as an abuser wasn’t i?!
That’s how I came to the conclusion last year that he really wasn’t an abuser and that id got it all wrong. So he took me back and I spent the next 3-4 months trying to always understand things from his point of view rather than assume things he was saying we a dig, goading me or about control. I accept that there was still occasions where I still got it wrong. Sometimes when he addressed certain issues he came accross as accusing or intimidating. Again that could be my perception but I often felt like I was having to defend myself over things that I though were fine.. In the end id accept his point of view and be sorry I didn’t see it strait away. Example- I don’t bother with Facebook much anymore because it caused so much trouble with us in the past. On one of the recent occasions he’d left me.. Someone asked me about our wedding so I told them it was off as he’d left.. A day later he came back and was extremely angry id replied to this comment publicly.
I said I understood him being upset that it was over Facebook but he’d left me and told me it was over for good- id believed him so I had nothing to gain or lose it letting people know our wedding was off when they asked me about it and because he’d gone- I wasn’t really concerned about what he thought at that month…Thought I do totally understand his dislike for it being public (he’s put an awful lot on fb about me recently- I’ve deactivated my account).
Anyway the conversation escalated into him saying how he disliked how my life is all over fb (literally all I ever do on there is post intagram pictures of my children, dog and work.. And like people’s posts. But heaven forbid I’d happened to comment on a male friends status that day about his job and I’d changed my profile picture because it had previously been of him and the children but he’d dumped me and I didn’t want to look at it. Anyway I spent the next 45 minutes explaining all of these things to him and trying to explain they were innocent only to have him get the hump with me for the rest of the night and say I’m always causing issues, so I of course wonder what I could’ve done to keep him calm. I decided to deactivate fb anyway so it was one less thing for me to get wrong. It felt like real double standards though and this started to bother me.
I’m not the jealous sort… I trusted him and wasn’t really bothered who he had on Facebook, who he spoke to or what he did (within reason) but I was beginning to feel like I was constantly explaining myself to him and understanding why.. But knowing he did far worse where I didn’t expect him to explain- like rolling in at 4am when he’d told me he was on his way home at half 1.
So on the evening he left, I noticed pictures of his ex gf on fb (bearing in mind We’d been together (removed by moderator) and had a baby) in truth I really wasn’t bothered that there was pictures on there but since I wasn’t allowed to be friends with ex’s and I wasn’t allowed to even talk to male friends on there… It was double standards. So I set about trying to prove a point and boy did it go down badly. Eventually I went off up to bed having realized he wasn’t going to reassure me or see my pointless point (which in hindsight actually proved more of the double standards).
I sent him a text when I was in bed- saying sorry for starting something from nothing and trying to expain where it had come from. But from there, no matter what I said- it made him more angry. He kept going on about how fb destroyed our relationship.. I kept saying it wasn’t about fb- it was about how I tolerated allot more from him than he did from me. A few hours or so later I woke up and he wasn’t in bed… Since his usual pattern of events was to leave- I text him asking if he’d gone. This made him more angry and perhaps I knew it would anyway (so I don’t know why I said it).
So as I was feeding the baby he came up stairs f-ing and blinding about how I constantly push him. At that point I realize I’d taken things too far and I’m saying ‘ok ok I’m sorry- let’s leave it please’. He stars saying the usual stuff about how he’s had enough and can’t do it anymore.. So I chirp up saying ‘oh so you’re leaving again’.. Why I didn’t just keep my mouth shut I don’t know because obviously this makes him more and more angry. Eventually he’s shouting stuff in my face and I’m shaking so much that I can’t feed the baby… So I wonder if I should call the police as I’ve obviously pushed him allot this time. But I opt to record him instead… In the hope that if he heard how scary he sounded he mite realize that it wasn’t always me causing issues.
Some how he realized I was recording him and he scuffles with me to get my phone- which I let him have because I’m feeding the baby. Then he puts on such a huge show. He puts on this obviously fake cry saying ‘how could I record him and I’m saying it’s because he was scaring me, then he goes on to say how could I think he’d hurt me or the baby… And I’m totally lost by then because I was genuinely scared. I don’t know if I thought he’d hurt me but I know I was very intimidated. He keeps shouting ‘do you think I’d hurt you or the baby’.. I’m saying I don’t know and eventually I back down and say ‘no but you’re totally acting out of order’. He then calls his dad saying that I’ve crossed the line and he will never be able to trust me again. That I’m trying to set him up for things he wouldn’t do… Like I’ve plucked this stuff out of thin air. And he leaves! A few days later he moved his things out.
Now as I’ve previously said in other posts- he has been physically aggressive to me in the past- minimally but never the less, at the time it scared me.
26th January 2016 at 9:53 pm #8400LisaMain Moderator
Starmoon it sounds like you have been through aclot and I just wanted to offer some support. Keep posting and talking about how you are feeling. It is a great therapy to write down what you are feeling and get it out. You’re doing a very powerful thing.
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