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    • #63982
      she-ra
      Participant

      Hi ladies,

      So today my boss asked to speak to me privately, I just knew it was going to be about this. She said someone had approached her with a concern for my welfare and she just wanted to check I was ok, someone who lives near me, a neighbour, had heard lots of shouting and swearing and his shouting at me. (Detail removed by moderator).  My boss was so lovely and I just lost it, I just started crying, I feel so unprofessional and like everything is starting to cave in and spiral out of my control. I just said that’s he’s depressed and yes he shouts, she asked if he ever hurt me and I lied and said no. I could quite easily have taken my jumper off to show her the bruises on my arm but didn’t. I just don’t know what to do, I feel like my secret is out now and everyone will be watching my every move. I got so upset, I feel so ridiculous, what is wrong with me why didn’t I just brush it off? I feel like everything is at risk now, my babies, my job, everything. I just don’t know what to do. So sorry xx

    • #63989
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Please know that nothing has changed, but to have it actually spoken about by someone ‘on the oitside’ is huge to deal with. It must feel like its blown it all open to everyone because it takes such effort to carefully keep all that under such tight control all this time.

      They care love…they are worried and don’t want you to be suffering. This has probably pushed you way too hard way before you were ready to face it all.

      I’m so glad you managed to post here and reach out, keep posting and getting lots of support.

      You are carrying a huge burden, it doesn’t matter that you lied, for us its about surviving and of course we don’t want to see you suffering, but this is under your control, not ors, or theirs.

      On another note,if your neighbour considers your babies are at risk, the could call and report that and some action would have to be taken to protect them (and you).

      It might be worth you reporting it to the police, and taking up any offers of support they offer, you could be allocated a specialist police in dv who you could call to report to.

      Please know we are all here to help, so keep posting to work through this.

      Warmest wishes. Ts

    • #63992
      Tiffany
      Participant

      It actually sounds like a good thing. I was asked by a work colleague if I was being abused in the run up to my decision to leave. I was in denial about the extent of the issue then, and denied it, so I said I wasn’t. The same work colleague offered to come round with his wife and kids to help me get my stuff back after I lrft. The fact I had lied to him initially didn’t matter. He understood how difficult it was to face up to it and get out. It sounds like you have a similar ally in your boss. Someone who will support you in whatever way they can if you leave. It is a bit of a scary push towards moving on and away from him, especially as you are aware that it is abuse. But having your boss on your side should really help.

      Don’t worry about it being unprofessional – being abused isn’t your fault. It’s like feeling you are unprofessional because you got the flu and had to take a month off. I mean sure, having the flu reduces your productivity. Being off unplanned is inconvenient. But it unprofessional. Being abused is the same. Sure, it makes it harder to concentrate, you might have to take time off to access support, or to flee, but that isn’t your fault. It is your abusers fault, and unfortunately he is going to do his best to undermine you at work, but that is because he has issues, not you.

    • #63997
      she-ra
      Participant

      Thank you ladies, I feel sick thinking about going to work today. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. Work was my safe haven, it had nothing to do with him and I could go and just be me and not think about all the rubbish at home and relax, I love my job and the people I work with and now it feels tainted by him just like everything else. I just so didn’t see it coming. I just want to vanish now and this not be my life. Thanks so much for your support xx

    • #63998
      she-ra
      Participant

      I haven’t told him as hell hit the roof but I so wanted to. He keeps on about how it’s all my fault all the time over and over again, how I antagonise him, how I don’t listen, how I’m warped and twisted and have problems every second of every day. How he’s going to report me to ss because I’m an unfit mum how everyone knows what I’m really like, how fake I am how everyone can see through me and how he’s got witnesses to prove I’m crazy and how I abuse him. I wanted to tell him so he could see that it’s not me, it’s him and other people can see it. Just don’t know what my next move it, I feel like such a fraud. Xx

    • #64012
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Listen, work is still your safe space. You get away from the abuse there and people care about you. Try not to feel embarrased. As you pointed out, it is him, not you who is behaving badly. Please don’t tell him about being asked about it at work – that would make work less of a safe space as it would give your abuser an incentive to destroy it and your ability to work.

      I woukd suggest that your next step is to call womens aid and discuss your options for leaving. It is him not you who is the problem. When he blames you for the problems in your relationship he is either gaslighting (minimising what he does and maximising what you do) or mirroring (accusing you of what he does, to deflect your attention away from his behaviour). Nothing you do or say will change this. If it could it would have already. But basically he is on a cushy number where most of the time you do exactly what he wants, and if you don’t he has the power to terrorise you about it. He is happy about this as it works for him and he doesn’t care what effect it has on you.

      If you haven’t been able to find a safe space to call from home then talk to your understanding and lovely boss and then make the call at work.

      • #64022
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Dear She-ra

        I hope you made it in to work ok. If you didn’t then you didn’t, its OK, all of this is such a massive pressure and shock to your ways of surviving. I imagine if you couldnt make it in today your boss would understand! Perhaps also drawing the conclusion it was due to your reaction to yesterday.

        It is still the same, but it will take a little time for you to experience how you move forward from here and what that will be like. You just need to find your legs again.

        I am so glad you keep posting to let it all out where you feel you have safety here. WA, if you want\get chance to call them won’t judge or coerce you into anything. They will give you any information you need, like local support for you, who should also not coerce or try to control your own decisions but will be there to support you and give practical safety plans.

        Keep safe and sending loads of strength to you.

        Warmest wishes. Ts

    • #64033
      she-ra
      Participant

      Hello ladies,
      Thanks so much for your replies, they mean so much. I went to work and it was fine, you’re were right it’s still my safe space and I can still do my job. I have a wonderful team and I love my job. I do still feel like I’m being watched now for any little thing but I’ll just have to see how it goes. Tiffany you are so right, he is on a completely cushy number, he does nothing and pays for nothing. I won’t tell him about what has happened but I am very aware that my neighbours are talking about me now. Feeling very scared about even a slightly raised voice now and them reporting something else. Twisted sister you are so right about the pressure, my head just hurts from all of the pressure, thinking, planning and indecision, it’s just so hard. I just don’t know what to do next. I have phoned WA once and talked about options for leaving which was helpful but no further forward. I need to ring rights for women but I never get through. I’ve looked at renting somewhere else but my credit rating is awful due to financial abuse and all debt in my name. Thank you so much lovelies you’re helping me keep going. xxxx

    • #64039
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Great that you broke through to discover actually it was all OK and that you called the helpline.

      I was shocked to get thro to RoW the other night, so it does happen! I think there might only be one or two staffing the line but keep trying they do everything they can to help.

      I hope the pressure lift s a little for you as yi progress through this bit by bit.

      I think you are amazing to be managing all you are and working! Is there a work noticeboard where you could look for housesharw or rental or put up your own note looking? It could be anonymous.

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #64040
      she-ra
      Participant

      Thank you ts, not amazing at all just trying to survive like everyone else. I’m ringing row every 2 minutes but no joy yet, it’s such an awkward time to ring as he very rarely leaves the house and I’m always surrounded by my children so quite tricky but I know I need to get my ducks in a row. The lease is due for renewal (detail removed by moderator) so I’m really trying to use that as my focus to get out. We’ll see, I’ve said the sabe thing for the last few years. X*x

    • #64368
      she-ra
      Participant

      Aaaaaaahh I just want to scream!! I really just can’t do this anymore, I just don’t want to be here anymore I am so tired, so sick and tired of this life. I just hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, why can’t he just vanish off the face of the earth. I just can’t do it. I am so sick and so tired of the same endless cycle, it’s like Groundhog Day over and over again, abuse abuse and more abuse. When will it end. So sorry for ranting I just give up xxxx

    • #64371
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Getting out of a shared lease was the hardest part of my escape, so I would definitely see if you can sort a departure around that end date. What about trying calling Shelter about your situation and see if they have any advice. I am wondering if you can leave at the end of the lease and stay with friends or family, registering as homeless which would make you eligible for a council house. Honestly, I feel like you should be eligible anyway, as you are fleeing abuse, but I know it doesn’t always work like that. Also don’t be afraid of going back to women’s aid for more support. I really hope you can do this and get out.

    • #64524
      livingonaprayer
      Participant

      Please phone Womens Aid again. They will give you that last bit of strength and push to get out. I found it difficult speaking to them or seeing them as my ex was home all the time but I just lied to him. I hated that but it’s something you have to do! You feel guilt when other people know what’s going on but in the long run they will be the people that help you realise that he is full of c**p and everything he says about you is wrong! They really get in your head don’t they but you do not deserve this!! They are weak and insecure and want to bring you down with them! Don’t let that happen!! Xx

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