Stages of emotional abuse continuing after relationship ends

[Anonymous]

So I wish I could remember where it was but I read somewhere about the different stages that a ‘victim’ of emotional abuse goes threw in the relationship. And the last stage was basically being totally compliant and not fighting back at all and sort of completely lost sense of self. Well, I don’t think I actually reached that final stage whilst in the relationship. I think I was still on the stage before which I can’t remember but I think it was alternating between suppressing emotions and being compliant and then reacting and getting very emotional which was how I was but mostly reacting with hurt, frustration and fear. But I think once he left (just ran off from me suddenly when I hadn’t done much but just a misunderstanding) I think since then I have mostly reached the final stage of completely giving up. I don’t know if he partly did it on purpose to punish me and will be back or if it was final. It seems very final as he moved out to another town. But either way it has had the effect of a punishment and I know that if he was to come back to be honest I still love and miss him so much that I would be totally compliant in the relationship. I feel like now he’s left I am the most under his control than I’ve ever been (even compared to at the beginning of the relationship when I was totally compliant too until I was traumatised). Did anyone else feel like this?

Also, I did something really stupid after he broke up with me. My aunt is very abusive and toxic to the extreme it’s honestly unbelievable. I don’t even know her that well but after last time I saw her and the way she behaved I knew i didn’t want to speak to her again. But then when I was in a complete shivering wreck of guilt and pain she left me a voicemail saying my Granddad had been taken to hospital. My Granddad is the only member of my family who is not extremely toxic and who I speak to (he is actually a really nice person!) so I called her back just to get the hospital details from her and I end being sucked back in as she starts being emotionally abusive agin, guilt tripping me etc. etc. and then after I say what’s she doing she eventually apologies. Then I stupidly meet up with her and go to the hospital with her in her car. And then in the cafe afterwards she starts up again but even worse and basically says anything she can to destroy me and open up any wound she can, trigger me on purpose, guilt trip me etc. all the while saying she isn’t doing anything wrong and is just trying to help. I would never in my right mind have spoken to her or met with her but I was so vulnerable at the time and to be honest I was obsessively guilt ridden about my boyfriend and desperate for anyone to talk to about to gain some perspective and I was suicidal as well (don’t worry I’m not anymore). Anyway, after speaking to my abusive aunt I am now feeling very wounded from that and keep feeling effected by things she said (I won’t go into what but it’s about other stuff to do with my abusive family). So all that is making it even harder to be alone and making me miss my boyfriend even more. It’s one thing on top of the other all at once.

[KIP.]

Have you read about trauma bonding? My ex was a hideous rapist and abusers for decades but the first year I left was worse than any year we were together. At least when I was with him, I had respite from the trauma. I had spells when he was being charming and lovely. But to go a whole year on high alert. Not knowing where he was or what his next move was. Without his comforting words and actions was torture. Staying no contact with an abuser is the only way to escape these terrible mind games. You sound like you know your aunt very well. So you will know that abusers lie and twist and try to hurt us with words. Do not believe a word she says. Try to cut as much contact as you can. Total no contact is best x

[Anonymous]

I can identify with your post quite a lot. I split up from my emotionally abusive BF almost (detail removed by Moderator) months ago. Since then I have been very sad, I feel under his control and that I cannot move on. Almost as if he has some sort of spell over me although we do not see or speak to each other any more, or have any contact at all. Our break up was not straight forward. He gave me massive mixed messages throughout the time that we were together, for the remaining 6 months that we were together his actions were really awful. He would let me down frequently, never ever apologized even if he did things that were blatently wrong. He would lie all of the time, blame me for everything, take my money, I could go on and on, but the emotional abuse and guilt tripping made me very mentally unwell. Things were awful, i did not trust him at all. Just before we split he was hinting about other women, i think he might have been seeing someone or had someone lined up. The feeling that I got was that he wanted to have his cake and eat it. Allthough he was basically treating me like s**t he wanted to continue to do this, keep me on the backburner and start to sleep around on top as well. My self worth at that point was roc kbottom. I decided enough was enough and ended it with him. I believe he swiftly took the control back by ending it with me (he told me the week before that I was his soulmate and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me). Since then we have had zero contact on both sides. I did contact him about 2 months ago, mainly because I felt sorry for him, just wishing him well, he ignored me. When we split up, i tried to talk to him, to talk it all through, to sort it out. He ignored every attempt. He has not looked back since and I believe has been sleeping around left right and center. If he had apologized to me, admitted wrong doing, agreed to both accept what has happened and move on, this would free me somewhat. But to cut me dead without a second glance after I believed we had so much is the worse thing of all. I still struggle now every day. I’m sorry but I cannot comment about your aunt. I know since I split from my ex and all the research that I have done i have found it easier to spot abusive behaviour, and I would not tolerate it. X*X

[Serenity]

I agree that the first year after they’ve gone is the worst- in some ways, worse than the when you are with them. This is cause you can’t fool yourself that everything will be ok; your ex is threatening post-separation abuse, and the rug has been pulled from under your feet.

Your abuser ups the abuse, since he’s not with you 24/7 to control you. He still wants you to do as he wants, so any abuse is extreme. The threats become more overt.

This is why many victims can’t keep up No Contact and end up returning to the abuser. It is d**n hard.

But if you keep on going, little chinks of light start to appear. You start to find strength you never knew you had- strength that he thought he had shovelled enough **** over to kill it starts to show itself again.

It’s worth the wait and worth showing stamina xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you all.

KIP – I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. My ex just ran off without any explanation when we were out. He was accusing me of lying about some misunderstanding and said that the only way he wouldn’t leave me was if I admitted to lying. I told him I can only apologise for what actually happened and that I don’t want to lie to him by admitting to lying and that I’m sorry anyway. At that he literally ran off from me. I then stayed in the city we were in instead of going home and a couple of days later I waited outside the hotel I thought he might b staying in for him to come out as he didn’t answer my message trying to explain and ask if he was okay. I have been told i was stalking him and that I didn’t respect his decision to leave? I know it was wrong but my thought process at the time was that I didn’t know if he wanted to me to follow him or what was going on as there was no explanation so I didn’t know if he had broken up with me or wanted more of an apology or anything. Well, he came out and he chose to speak to me and told me he wanted to end it and that misunderstanding was just the last straw. Even I spoke to him eventually the way he broke up with me or rather didn’t and the things he said have since made me feel so guilty. The way I stalked him made me feel bad too and even more crazy. I agree about it being worse but I get none of the good sides now but I feel under his spell somehow. I feel guilty for everything I do and have adopted his mindset about everything. I feel like I keep feeling his pain at random times and random things when I’m out will trigger me and I’ll have to leave so I don’t cry in public. My ex has remained silent though. I feel like he is just trying to protect himself and I don’t blame him of course. Some people I speak to say that I’m not accepting his decision by still wanting to talk about the relationship but they don’t understand that I actually feel so guilty I don’t even feel I deserve him and that I am respecting his decision. ? And yes I am trying not to let my aunts cruel words affect me. And I don’t think I will ever make the mistake of speaking to her again. I should have just got the hospitals details at least and then just ended the conversation there but I got sucked in somehow. Never again. The things she said. I think she took advantage of me when I was vulnerable to lay into me. She also compared how I’ve been abusive to my boyfriend to how my situation with my abusive family members and said I was hypocritical because I was just like them and why should I expect my boyfriend to want me etc. etc. She made all sorts of ridiculous statements which I know don’t make sense though I try to take note of her comparing me to them but I often think it’s true. Being like my abusive mother is like my worst nightmare. I also have really extreme intrusive empathy sometimes where I’ll feel like I’m in someones head who i really dislike I keep seeing things from their perspective when I don’t want to and comparing them to me thinking I’m like them. It’s part of my OCD as it part of the obsessive thinking and also I think like that and am overly empathetic sometimes to my detriment. I guess I have issues.

Itshisproblem – I can relate to a lot of your story as it sounds quite covertly abusive like mine. My ex didn’t think about other women though I don’t think. But I relate very much to the emotional abuse the loss of trust. I kept trying and trying to trust him but it was difficult and I guess that’s what made me more anxious around and more likely to react.And the way he broke up with me by just running off and blocking my number. On the one hand I think it is him trying to protect himself because I’m a terrible abuser but on the other it didn’t seem normal or fair. I don’t know. I felt like I was going to pass out from the stress which was affecting me physically for the first week. I got really bad stomach pains and (sorry this is gross) but I got my period a couple of weeks too early (which never usually happens) think it was due to stress.

Serenity – thank you. For me it’s not actually that he is threatening me so I can see it could be way worse those who go thorough that of course. It’s more just the affect of the break up and the way he did and the way he then blamed me everything when I spoke to him. I now feel like it was all my fault which is making me more confused and compliant, anxious etc. and now I don’t have the good times but it’s like all the blaming etc. is magnified even though we aren’t speaking. Also, someone told me that it doesn’t like he’s an abuser because he’s not contacting me after it ended and that abusers always keep contacting their partners to continue to control them? So it’s making me think I am the abuser and he is the victim who is now trying to protect himself from getting away from my abuse and I’m proving I’m the abuser by missing him etc. and still thinking.talking about?

[Littlebird]

I can relate to the emotional abuse, I’ve recently split from my husband after many years. It crept up slowly mostly but I’ve been manipulated, gaslighted, devalued, degraded, humiliated and broken down to the point now I feel I have no soul.
He played the most cruel mind games and I reached the point of giving up. Until I found him messaging other girls (yet again) something snapped after that and with my list of daily chores he’d set me in my head. I decided enough was enough.
Thing is, he’s glib and can charm the birds from the trees. He’s busy telling people I’m delusional and crazy. I feel no one believes how bad it was as bad as it was. I feel I’ve lived thru hell but I can’t do no contact as we have children together. I feel I am forever tied to him, he’s still gaslighting me in new and trying to manipulate me thru the kids he’s a monster.

[Anonymous]

Dear Littlebird, I completely understand, my ex is the same as your partner. I have managed to get rid of him but his abuse was so deep I cant mentally break free.

[Author]

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