Stalking- If I show I don't care will they lose interest?

[Lilycat]

Hi everyone,

I would really appreciate your views, perspectives and, if you want to share them, your experiences.

After I left an abusive home-life, several years ago, I went no-contact with my extremely abusive stepchild and then, when I finally acknowledged that my apparently saintly husband was playing with covert manipulative techniques and stealing from me, I weaned my way off contacting him and am almost completely NC with him, too.

I am sure that my husband had me followed. Now, my stepchild is doing stalking things that, added together, seem beyond coincidence. They are really fixated in a Single White Female way. It’s all very weird and sick.

When I lived with this dastardly duo, I was subject to variously complex and severe forms of gaslighting, belittling, splitting and game-playing every day. As I have been stalked and, I think, continue to be stalked, I have been really careful to keep a very low profile- creating new commuting routes, dressing in dark clothing, avoiding certain places, having the lowest possible social media and public profiles, finding new hobbies to compensate for the ones I just can’t do for various reasons, and so on and so forth. I have got to the point where I am sick of hiding. Although I am getting used to a lot of it, I often feel suffocated, as day-to-day activities have had to backed by calculated decisions. I feel like jacking in the tiptoeing and just going back to being me. I want to walk around in what I want to wear, go to places I have enjoyed and not have to have restrictions on social media, photocells and other communication forms in terms of my work.

I really wonder how much risk and actual harm going back to being ‘me’ will bring me. (Detail removed by moderator) I turned my back and I don’t think they noticed me, because I have slightly changed my dress sense and have accessories that change my appearance a little.

Am I making a cage for myself, or is it best to keep up the vigilance? They have never been physically violent towards me, but my abusers have been psychological sadists and very intimidating, messing with my head and my self-confidence.

Thanks

Lilycat

[Jennaflorrie]

could you get out of the area? Start again 70 plus miles away?

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Lilycat, yes I was going to ask that too, is it an option for you to move away?

This puts a lot of weight into what your options can be.

[Lilycat]

Hi Jennaflorrie and Healthy Archive,

Technically I could. I am renting and have no family in the area. My friends and even my boss have suggested this. (My boss doesn’t want to get rid of me, but they are concerned for my wellbeing and say that they can tell when I have been away from the city for even a few days, because I look ‘like a weight has been lifted from (my) shoulders’. With this flexibility in mind, (1) I have a professional network here and (2) have just got a substantial promotion to a level where jobs are as rare as hen’s teeth, plus (3) I’ve still got a lot of learning and development to do to grow into the job and (4) who I know in my network is as important as what I know, in being able to get the job done. I am working so hard and staying focussed just to stay afloat and sane, so I would feel terrible if I had to quit something I have put 200% into, just because some losers are making my life hell.

Even if I go elsewhere, be it in the UK, Europe or further afield, I will be easily located because of social media and press releases beyond my control. My employer and I have done as much as I can to make me as low-profile as possible whilst still being able to promote my department and organisation, and the work we do.

I could change my name, but as (1) a woman and (2) of minority number within the parameters of minority ethnic origin, even if I became known as Rainbow Unicorn Smith or Rottweiler Redwing (both are far removed from my real name, by the way!), a quick search of people in my field via key words and internet images would have me located.

With a paper bag over my head, a move to a small village in the Bolivian Andes full of friendly and hugely protective first-nation people and a new line in lute making, I could manage a life of anonymity. Failing this level of transition, it’ll be a hard ask in reality.

The best thing for me would be to move in a while and go far enough for these people not to be bothered to bug me.

Kind regards and thanks for your support

Lilycat xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Lilycat, i think it would be really good if you moved house. As you love your job can you not just stay at your job? At least moving house which seems like an easy option would give you that bit more space. If you continue grey rock or better NC, they should get fed up eventually? An alternative, if its really having such an impact on your life, move house, take some time out for a while whilst you assess. This includes your job. Maybe take 6 months out in your new area. Then you can think about resuming the job, maybe this will have to be done in another way. If this due are as nightmarish as that this may be your only option. At least then you will be rid of them. X*X (without your current job links you could ammend your social media so it is more secure)

[Serenity]

It’s a difficult one.

I don’t want to advise you to put up with something that is too much for you- only you know how much you can put up with- but reading your post, my first reaction was to think that you leaving your job would be you doing exactly what your abusers want.

Abusers target those things which are most dear to us, which we worked hardest for, which represent our independence from them. (Detail removed by moderator). For you to have to give it up and go back to square one somewhere else would be exactly what they would see as them winning.

On the other hand, I know that when we arête summarised by abusers, all we crave is peace.

Maybe you could move to
A different neighbourhood, but continue with your job? It seems you have avoid support network there, and support is crucial.

Moving away might appear tempting, and it might very well be the answer for you, but only you know this deep down. I suppose you need to close your eyes and imagine how you would feel so where else, alone, and with a less good job, or finding it hard to get one ( though you of course may very well find one!), and away from your current support network. For some people, this might feel a good move- a challenge, starting over- but for others, they might feel that they’ve given in to their abusers. It’s a weighing-up game of pros and cons.

Whatever you decide, you can make a success of it, because you’re a very strong lady x

[Serenity]

PS I don’t know if ignoring them means that they lose interest.

I can imagine if I didn’t speak to my ex for the next ten years and then found myself in a vulnerable place with him, he would still jump at the opportunity to abuse me. It’s in their blood.

I think what Grey Rock and No Contact does is minimise their opportunity to abuse.

By not responding to their attempts to engage you, you are refusing to enter into that game of ping pong. They can’t use any reactions or words of yours against you; they won’t know exactly how you are feeling- fearful or worried- because you’re not giving them that information.

I think my ex is slightly deflated and disempowered by my ignoring him. It immobilises him- he can’t do much to me. Or he can do less.

It would be a dreadful pity if you had to shrink your life out of fear of them, to limit your movements, wear things you don’t like, not work where you would love to- because of them. In a sense, you’re not allowing yourself to be yourself, to live in joy and freedom.

My job  (removed by moderator), and the other day, I had to attend a meeting in the town five minutes from my ex’s  (removed by moderator). I was worried I might bump into him as I walked through the streets from the carpark, but I knew that if I did, I would act like he wasn’t there. This was an important meeting- I couldn’t let him wreck it.

I think it’s a case of us not deliberately putting ourselves in a situation to show them they won’t and can’t win ( abusers love engaging in competitions and battles) but not denying ourselves those things which are really important to us. And getting help if they transgress out boundaries along the way.

[Lilycat]

Hi Healthy Archieve and Serenity,

I think I’ll have to continue with the grey rock and no-contact approach and stay put for now. I phoned the Paladin stalking helpline and they said that there is nothing much we can do to stop stalkers obsessing, but we can protect ourselves and let others around us know that we face risks, which I have done. It appears that my step-child has a fixation with me and unless they recognise this themselves, there is not a lot I can do. My husband seems to be letting go a little bit, for now, but I am sure that if life does not go his way, he’ll be back playing power politics.

If I move house and go a long distance away, I do actually have support networks of friends in other place; so I will not be entirely alone. I’m seriously considering a move ‘way out of range’. Moving elsewhere in my city will do nothing. Shared business and social networks are everywhere, so they’ll find a way to make their presence known and have actually done just that over the few years that I have been trying to establish a new existence.

I am tired; very tired. I want a new life and want to curl up in peace.

Lilycat x

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