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Lovely Starmoon,
You have been here before. Then, too, you blamed yourself.
This is because he’s brainwashed you into thinking that it was you who was at fault, and because you were vulnerable, you believed him.
He has wormed his way in again, and now done what he does best : abandoning you at your hour of need.
I have always identified with you, Star Moon, because my ex’s major weapon was also to always abandon me at my hour of need.
It is your decision what you do about the baby, but one thing is for sure is that you need a lot of counselling and support about the situation ASAP, in order to help you make the right decision.
You getting in this situation again had taught you that he will do whatever it takes to trap you and then hurt you.
Your first step to healing will begin when you accept that this is not your fault, and it is him who is the snide and cruel abuser.
I too struggled with accepting this and not blaming myself, since my ex also tried to blame me for his own behaviour, just as he blamed my children for his own cruelty towards them.
Star Moon, we talk on here about taking baby steps and being gentle with ourselves, but there are times when we need to make a huge step and a huge leap into the unknown in order to escape evil and to make the life for ourselves that we deserve. That huge leap needs to be to drive yourself to believe that this is all him- his power games, his mind games, his emotional abuse.
To us ladies here, he is transparent, and he is to me, since he sounds so much like my ex husband.
Your family won’t understand because they’ve not been through it, they only see the surface situation. Their ignorance is mixed up with fear and worry and this is their ( wrongful) reaction. I would hope that none of your family are abusive. If they are, keep them at a great distance now. Get help from within the community, wherever you can find it.
Like my ex, your partner will never, ever admit he is at fault. These abusers blame everyone else; plus, they enjoy the power games, and to admit fault would mean they couldn’t play those games anymore.
You don’t need his approval. You don’t need his acceptance. He isn’t normal. He is twisted. You will never have a normal life with him, or one free from pain. He will always hurt you. He is not a nice person.
Recovery into happiness and independence from him will be hard and it isn’t an overnight thing, but it can be done. Have this as your aim. Instead of thinking this is the end, have a 5 year plan, of where you want to be, and make steps to begin being that person. And it will involve telling him that you don’t accept blame, that it is all him, he is the abuser and you don’t wish for direct contact anymore. You can do it.
I wonder if you grew up in a household where other family members never took blame, and tried to blame you for things? I think out acceptance of abuse is learned behaviour.
All I know, Star Moon, is that there is help out there, and there is a way of unravelling yourself from him. He is evil and he is toxic, as is mine. You will find someone one day who is a real man. Your partner isn’t. He is a worm.
Get support and advice ASAP about the baby. Don’t carry it all on your own.
I read a quote the other day which helped me. I was thinking about how on earth one can carry on with life with such pain, and this quote turned this on its head and made me look at it from a different angle:
“There is so much love to be had out there, and so much pain to be got rid of.”
It may feel like the end of the world now, but you are in shock. Your most important thing is to cut off all contact with that cruel monster, and get the right support, as there are good people out there who are trained and willing to help.
Hugs x
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