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I really want to make it work and fix the problems, my husband is calm at the moment, loving and caring so I thought I would try to talk to him about how his moods and temper affect me and our daughter. He said that his medication effects his mood, which is true to a certain extent but it doesn’t only happen when he is taken that…
He also said that sometimes he just wakes in a bad mood and there is no reason for it – i said that is not OK to inflict that bad mood on me and our daughter and he genuinely looked confused, like I was talking rubbish, but I was sure I was right? Am I right, is it ok to take out your bad mood on your partner even when they have done nothing wrong? He says that he has to – he says its like a pressure cooker and sometimes it just has to explode – he says its natural?
He also said that he knows he is aggressive, and/or passive aggressive with me, but he thinks that’s ok sometimes. I didn’t think so but he persuaded me I am wrong and now I don’t know.
It was really confusing, in the past he has blamed me, or his medication, or anything else, or said I am imagining it – but now he says its true, that he is aggressive towards me but that its ok and every relationship has that – and it doesn’t need fixing. I don’t know who’s right anymore
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No it is not right, and he is brainwashing you to believe this.
Would he dare take his bad moods and temper out on his boss? (No because he would get the sack!) or his friends? (No because he would lose them!) or a stranger in the street? (No because he would get worse back, or the police involved!)
So he has NO RIGHT to take his aggression out on you and your child, you are not a verbal or physical punchbag for his behaviour, ans this shows that he can control his moods until he is behind closed doors then takes it out on you and your kid, and is saying now that you should accept it as it is part of a “normal relationship”, well it isn’t.
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But you will never understand it because it is really irrational, I spent so long trying to work out my ex’s bad moods and temper tantrums which exhausted me and tied me in knots, in the end I realised that I had wasted far too much mental time and energy on him, trying to work him out, and he did not have any sleepless nights over me!
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Thanks cupofcoffee – I really appreciate the response, I am porbably being very stupid and very annoying – I think from the responses to my previous post lots of people think it is obvious what is happening but it just seems such a huge step to admit it, i don’t want to, and then he convinces me there is nothing wrong and I want to believe it
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Hey oak tree, please seek out your local women’s aid or ring the helpline. It’s pointless trying to argue with an abuser. They just lie, twist the truth. I read once that arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pidgeon. Even when they lose they knock the pieces over, sh’t on the board and strut around like they’ve won. They just don’t play by any rules.
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Oaktree. I am so very sorry. This all sounds so horribly familiar. I too spent years trying to convince my ex that his behaviour was unacceptable. And every conversation ended with me in tears apologising. I didn’t even realise it was abuse until weeks after I left. He persuaded me that his anger was part of his love, that he was the only person who would support me, even that I was the overreacting when he held his hand over my nose and mouth because “I was talking too much”.
Looking back it is so clear that it was brainwashing, gas lighting and physical abuse. But it is so hard to see when you are in the midst of the situation. Please phone the helpline, or go into your local women’s aid to talk.
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Thank you, oh its just so, heartbreaking.
I think I need to admit what is going on – and when I come on here and speak to you ladies that seems so obvious, but then I am back home and I think I got it all wrong again.It probably is abuse, but its not too bad and I can put up with it and its not often. I can protect our daughter from it, I really can.
I can’t leave him now, I love him and he loves our daughter – our daughter loves him too, although recently she says she doesn’t like him and doesn’t want anything to do with him….thats my fault too btw……she always chooses me over him and that hurts his feelings but I can’t force her to want to spend time with him. He is being much more calm with her now, he doesn’t shout.
I need to keep chatting on here to keep me in touch with whats real i think, and most important I need to make sure my daughter is ok, she is the most important in all of this.
Do you think that would be ok, if I come on here every so often to check in – even though I am not doing anything to stop it happening, is that ok?
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I spent lots of time trying to work my husband out and it’s utterly pointless. Their behaviour is totally irrational so trying to see it from a rational frame of mind never works. It gets so confusing and the time I used to spend justifying myself when he would twist things against me. PLEASE keep chatting on here and come in to check in often. It helped me so much talking to the other ladies on here to finally get clarity. To realise that his behaviour was NOT ok and it was never going to change or get better. Even after lots of counselling he STILL cannot recognise the problem. But like Tiffany says it is so hard to see when you are in the midst of it. We are all here for you keep posting xx
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Thanks lilaclady – do you mean that your husband didn’t know he was doing anything wrong? I honestly don’t think my husband does either
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He totally didn’t think he was doing anything wrong yet (like someone else on here said) he would never behave like that at work or with his friends. Its NOT OK to be someone’s emotional punching bag. Like I say my ex has never faced up to his behaviour never will and minimises the whole thing. So don’t waste time getting him to see it for what it is he never will. Get help keep posting on her it is such a help and like Sunshine says listen to you gut, that helped me a lot !
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Oaktree,
Your husband is 100% aware of what he’s doing and carries on doing it because he wants to and because he can…it’s that simple. Protecting him gives him licence to continue. As stated above he wouldn’t dare behave this way to another man or someone who would tell it like it is and give him as good as the bully is giving – He’s not a child doing something wrong..he’s a grown man bully getting away with whatever he wants.
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Hi Oaktree,
Just go at your own pace, you need to feel clear in your own mind about what you want to do otherwise you could end up leaving and returning many times. It’s 100% ok to keep posting here as you figure it all out, and every decision is yours to make.
I was extremely confused too, and felt like my ex hypnotised me in his presence. It sounds strange but I felt like he could control my mind. Every time I spent time with him I would start to feel drowsy and exhausted, I’d even have to lie down, and then he would using his charming voice to lie, manipulate and gaslight me so I’d start to believe him, give in, and stay with him. I was like a fly caught in a pretty web. For me what broke this cycle was that he behaviour started to get more and more strange, that I couldn’t deny it anymore, he got increasingly angry, threatening, he scared me, and then said I’d imagined everything. I knew I don’t imagine things, I am not delusional, so I realised he was lying. My gut started to tell me I was in danger even though at the time it seemed completely ludicrous, I couldn’t understand it. I googled all of his behaviour, and rang the helpline, and it all fell into place that he was abusing me.
Definitely ring the helpline for a chat if you haven’t already, keep posting too. I’d also recommend if possible to keep a bit of distance between you and him, so that you have a chance to clear your head. If you’re talking to him all the time about it it will confuse you more. Listen to your intuition, and your gut, the answers are within you. xx
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