6th June 2021 at 11:58 am #126736gettingtiredParticipant
Is anyone able to give me some advice regarding starting a new job whilst you’re living in the abuse please? I’m in a bit of a dilemma regarding whether to change jobs or not.. or whether to wait until I’ve left him before I start working on a new career.
My current job is comfortable and I enjoy it but the commute is quite long for what it is. One of the main things that keeps me there though is my senior manager is fantastic and very supportive. One of my colleagues fled an abusive relationship before and was supported by this manager on getting her job back etc so I have faith that they would support me as well. This feels important to me because I’ve been in previous jobs before with terrible management and never felt supported. I think with an abusive relationship you probably have no choice but to confide in work because of the risk that they’d try to get you fired or something.
I work part time (he doesn’t officially work although he has a hobby which is becoming more of a self employed thing but it’s all at home) so I feel like my hours at the moment are manageable in not getting him annoyed whilst being enough pay for me to live on. He often complains when I work a few days in a row as he’ll sulk that he’s lonely or bored at home.
However, a job has come up which is something I’d really like to do and it’s closer to commute to.
The issue is I’m supposed to be moving with him soon but I’m still in a dilemma of not feeling ready to leave the relationship yet. So there’s a move that’s pending as well as me knowing deep down I want to leave him eventually. Would a whole new job be too much?
I’m worrying as I obviously don’t know the management at the new job and whether or not they’d be supportive (as I said, if I left him I think I’d need to inform my workplace in case he contacted them to bad mouth me). I also worry as it’s a full time position so I don’t know if that would send me over the edge in dealing with his abuse/the move. This new job is closer to where I’d be moving with him as well but is also closer to where I’d move back to if I left him. Compared to my current job which is further away whether I move with him or split up with him and move back to family. So there are positives and negatives on both sides.
I feel like my gut instinct is telling me to stick to what’s familiar for now then when I’ve left him look at changing careers. But then I don’t know if that’s my gut instinct or just my anxiety of too much change/not wanting to upset him. Plus these types of jobs don’t come up too often so I’m worried I’ll be losing out.
Sorry if this issue seems trivial to what other are going through. I probably just need to get a grip of my life but these decisions are making me feel stressed and anxious. I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. Has anyone else got experience with this?
7th June 2021 at 12:09 am #126763EggshellsParticipant
This is such a personal decision that it is really hard to advise you.
It may be a case of applying for the job and seeing how you get on. Sometimes you need to go through the process to work out what you really want.
If you go through interview and get offered the job but feel worried about accepting then it has been an enlightening process for you.
7th June 2021 at 11:15 am #126782ISOPeaceParticipant
This post got me thinking about how widely abuse affects us. It seems like abuse conditions us to always play safe, stick to what we know and not take any risks into the unknown in many areas of our lives. I guess that makes sense in the context of the trauma bond keeping us stuck in freeze mode.
I wonder whether we can start to break free of the grip of the abuse by consciously trying to play a little less safely. I don’t mean doing wildly impulsive things or doing things that you know are unsafe. But if we know that our fear is always trying to avoid all risk, maybe we could start to look for opportunities to take small risks. Just baby steps. Just enough to teach our minds that there can be big benefits to accepting some risk and that avoiding all risk keeps us trapped and missing out on life. Avoiding risk reinforces our fear that we can’t manage uncertainty.
If we remind ourselves that we’re tolerating a little discomfort (in taking the risk) in order to shake off the control of our abuser, I think it could be really empowering. It also shifts your focus to you rather than what will pacify him. It would be like (or maybe the same as) CBT exposure therapy. If it helps you could think of it like part of you is a loving parent coaching a child to learn that it’s ok to take risks, building up slowly.
I agree with Eggshells that even just applying could be a really good experience. You can’t know what the “right” decision is. You can never compare the two options because you can only choose one, so you’ll never know if the alternative would have been better. But I think you probably know that fear is holding you back. What happens if you ask yourself “what would I do if I wasn’t afraid?”. Your mind might say “but I am afraid!”. Allowing yourself to imagine the possibility of not being afraid can help make the feeling of not being afraid more familiar. The more familiar it feels, the stronger you will feel. You might find “the Work” by Byron Katie helpful with this. All the info you need is free on the website, I don’t think you need any of her books. xxxx
10th June 2021 at 7:09 pm #126990gettingtiredParticipant
Thank you both for your responses. I had a bit of a meltdown earlier as he started up at me when I was at work. I called him during a break and he was demanding to know what’s wrong with me and how both him and my family think it (he’s been speaking to them), that I’m stringing him along and accusing me of having an anger problem etc. Completely making me out to be the issue and saying we need to separate. My anxiety was through the roof when I got off the phone and in that moment I just thought; there’s no way I can deal with a whole new job! Whenever he says we should split up I start to panic and think I can’t deal with it and just want things to be fine. But they’re not!! I haven’t had an opportunity to apply yet because of work and drama with him but I will do it over the weekend and just take things from there. I’m just finding it very hard at the moment with him escalating the drama and accusations xx
11th June 2021 at 12:27 am #127014MuddybootsParticipant
This would be a tough choice even if you weren’t in an abusive relationship during a pandemic!
Finding supportive kind ppl at work makes such a difference to how much you enjoy your work, but if it’s not work you love, then maybe it is worth taking a risk? Having a job you love abs are good at (plus brings in more money if it’s full time) might help to boost your confidence and help you feel like you’ve got options?
Can you call the company and have a chat with the hiring manager? Or reach out over linked in? I find having a conversation with the team or manager can give a feel for the organisational culture.
Like someone else says, you don’t have to accept the job if it feels like too much pressure.
Whatever happens, it’s important to remember you’re stronger than you feel right now, cos he’s sapping all your energy and confidence. Good luck, whatever you decide
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