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The divorce papers went to him very recently. I wasn’t sure how he would react but at the moment he is on ‘best behaviour’ and being all grown up and accepting about it. Doubt that will last long.
But his family (who he now lives with/gets mollycoddled by) are furious, despite knowing it was coming. They blanked me, literally didn’t speak. They provide childcare on a regular basis and I hate leaving my kids with people who act so childishly and can’t even be civil to the mother of their grandchildren.
Do you think this will ease off? Should I cut them some slack as it must be hard to see your son receive divorce papers citing unreasonable behaviour? Despite how protective they must feel of him, surely they also read about the unreasonable behaviour and have a small amount of compassion for me and what I have been through?
I don’t really know how to feel about this. They come into my home to provide childcare and they don’t speak to me. It makes me uncomfortable and upset. I’m struggling to make sense of this situation, it all seems so surreal.
Bit of a ramble, sorry! -
Hi starandlittlestar, is there any way at all someone else can watch the children for you to work, maybe even flexi time. What his family are doing is abusive also isn’t it?
Personally I dont think they will ease up on how they are behaving, as you’re not calling them out on it, plus your children will be picking up on the continued bad vibes and will probably start mimicking their behaviour of you too. Ask yourself, what it is your afraid of, if you told them that their behaviour in unacceptable. At the end of the day they are adults and should be showing their grandchildren better behaviour than this. They should be more worried that you would stop them seeing their grandchildren, than you not being able to work with them continuing this form of punishment. I’d not make any more excuses for them, but I’m not in your shoes. I hope this gets resolved soon fir all concerned.
IWMB 💕💕 -
You can bet your soon to be ex will be badmouthing you terribly to his parents. It’s just what they do. They feel you may expose his abuse so he will get in there first and discredit you any way he can. If you need them and they seem reasonable people then sit them down quietly and ask what is going on. That you sense an atmosphere and don’t feel comfortable leaving the children while it’s going on. If you’re able to cut ties and find alternative child care then that’s the best way. My ex was badmouthing me well before he was finally removed. As soon as they sense you’re getting independent and getting your self esteem back, he will get in there. Read about n*********s as I find most abusers use these traits x
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This happened to me I was working long shifts and they showed up late, changed my daughters clothes berating them (even although they were all from next)they changed her into second hand clothes! Bizarre I’m all for saving the economy system but this was a subtle put down on my taste I felt. She would come home very irritable and out of character. If I were you I probably wouldn’t have them in my house, very rude of them to ignore you,I had that too xx horrible feeling leaving your child with someone you know is bearing a grudge xx can you arrange alternative child care? It cost me to do it, half my wage I was really struggling but it was worth it xx his family will blame you because it’s the easy option. The blame isn’t your though xx love diy
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So useful to hear your thoughts.
DIYmum, that is exactly what I experience – when they are not blanking me. Subtle put downs, snide comments about my parenting.I would like nothing better than to make different childcare arrangements. I guess I’m just scared of how much worse they will treat me if/when I do that. Accuse me of taking their grandchildren away from them etc.
I know what is best for my kids. But these people are so busy feeling sorry for themselves and hating me, I find it hard to consider being even more ‘evil’ and making them even sadder.
I know as I write how ridiculous that sounds! Why should I care about them when they treat me this way in front of my children?! -
That’s the sad thing about abuse, the ripple effect it has on the extended family. You do know what’s best for your children, and I’m sure you’ll do your very best to make sure they get it. His parents obviously can’t see past themselves, they’re not thinking of their grandchildren one but are they? Are three snide comments theirs or what hes told them about you. Don’t let them undermine your confidence, you are doing great.
IWMB 💕💕 -
IWMB is hitting the nail on the head. undermining you in front of your children can undermine you and your children’s relationship. Dont let that happen – if you put alternative child care in place you will no longer have to worry that this will continue, the older they get the more affected they will become by this. Your also sending a very clear message to them -your saying im not tolerating this – i wont be berated infront of my children. why should you? they will hum and haw and call you names but at least only to each other. Its better than whats happening now. who care what they think their opinion is not credible by the sounds of it xx luv diy mum x
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You ladies are so right. And I have become aware of how much more this will affect my kids as they get older. They’re pretty young just now.
The snide comments are theirs, not what he has told them. Pointed comments about things like a snotty nose, a t-shirt that’s too small, hair that hasn’t been cut. Stuff like that, intended to make me feel like a failure as a mum. That sounds like my kids are constantly dirty and in badly fitting clothes, which they are not, but you know what in-laws can be like. Pick up on the one thing that isn’t so good rather than the 100 things that should be acknowledged.
I just have to play it carefully. If I say I don’t want them providing childcare anymore he will say that he’ll do it (he still isn’t working) but he doesn’t realise that he can’t cope with them properly on his own, I wouldn’t feel that they would be safe. He is emotionally unstable and can’t cope with the responsibility even though he thinks he can. The only time he has the kids is when he is also with his family, he doesn’t seem to realise that he hasn’t been alone with the kids for a very long time.There has also been a lot of upset caused by the divorce papers. I Don’t really know what to expect next, but somehow I will extricate my kids from this childcare arrangement. It may not be straight away but you are all right – I know what is best for my kids. A mum always knows.
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