Starting paid work again after a very long absence

[SunshineRainflower]

So the agency have found me a few hours of work in the field I used to work in years ago before I got signed off with stress/anxiety/depression. It’s only a few hours and a much lower level than what I did before but I am nervous about it and a bit worried about having a panic attack and freaking out and causing a scene. Just thought I’d post on here to get some moral support! I feel like earning money again is a key step towards true independence, feeling better about myself and being able to make my life how I’d like it. I also feel like I’ll be less likely to date another abuser if I can improve my self esteem and work seems to help me do that, as long as it’s part time and not too stressful. I felt like a bit of a failure when I met him and was probably looking for someone to be kind and look after me, which was not the right mindset to be dating in. He pretended to be all caring and kind at first and then used my mental health against me and made me even more ill.

I’m a bit worried the housing benefit people will mess up my claim due to this work even though it’s well under the allowed hours and income threshold. I don’t want to let these fears of having a panic attack or losing the benefit before I can fully afford the rent to stop me from taking this important step. I feel proud of myself how far I have come getting away from my ex, finding and setting up my own place and now hopefully some paid work, just don’t want to let anything get in the way.

[Tiffany]

I had fewer anxiety attacks that expected in my first jobs post abuse. It has now been about a month since the last one and they declined steadily before that. It’s an incredibly hard step of faith in yourself to take, but the dividends are amazing! I would never have dared ttake a full time job but once I had done some part time work I knew that in the right job I could. By the end of this week I will have worked 44 hours and been out to evening events on three nights. I am tired, but I am fine! No anxiety, no chronic illness flare ups. I won’t keep this level of working up after Christmas, jut while I am working my notice on my part time job. But I am going to survive it all.

[maddog]

SUPERWOMAN!!! Well done you! I still have this bridge to cross. I come firmly from the wrong side pf the tracks and way back when my contemporaries were finding gainful employment I was completely destroyed and desperately ill. I have always struggled with a sense of worth. I salute you. Onwards and upwards!

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Tiffany and Maddog. I am very happy to report that I did it, I got through my first work shift in years and I actually quite enjoyed it! I didn’t freak out or have a panic attack. I had a migraine beforehand and was worried I’d have to cancel but I took painkillers and thankfully it stayed away apart from the light sensitivity which made the experience a little surreal.

I did have anxiety for at least half of it but I just kept reminding myself that anxiety can’t kill me and if I feel it it will eventually pass and that is the only way to deal with it, through exposure to the fear.

It is in a ‘helping people’ type of field so it felt good to feel like I could help people again and reminded me that I am educated, trained and skilled and have a lot to offer people and give back.

I have booked another very small shift again next week in a slightly different setting so it will be good to compare and see how it feels. It really helps just having a few hours work to dip my toe back in the water without feeling stressed and overwhelmed. It felt surreal turning up and the people not knowing I’d been out of work for ages and they briefed me in quite a fast paced intense way like I was used to it. I just stayed quiet and got on with it, I think working again will feel surreal at first but I will hopefully adjust back into it soon and I can start building up a life for myself. I don’t particularly want to return to this particular setting as it is quite out of my comfort zone and I’d get stressed if I was there a lot but it was a good start and hopefully I can find something part time and longer term that feels more comfortable soon. 🙂

[KIP.]

Hey Sunshine, your post inspires me. I wasn’t allowed to work and yet it was something I took great pleasure in before becoming too I’ll because of him to continue. I’ve dipped my toe and enquired about voluntary work which I’d love to be able to do. You’re right about fear. But there is nobody holding me back.

[Tiffany]

SunshineRainflower, that was exactly my experience going into work in my last job. Keep looking at it as a stepping stone! It’s not exactly what you want to do, but it’s helping with confidence and healing and it moves you towards where you want to be, so it is a huge positive step. I am so excited for you!

[SunshineRainflower]

KIP I say 100% go for it, you will feel so proud of yourself afterwards and it is a way of continuing to create a rich (not in the monetary sense unless that is your goal!) abuse-free life. You are so good at helping people on here I can imagine you would be a huge asset to any organisation you worked with. See if you can book a really small shift, just a few hours or even 1 hour and see how it feels.

Tiffany thank you yes it is a stepping stone, it’s a good idea to see it like that as I know it’s not the kind of place I’d be happy going to every week but occasionally is ok. I retrained in a different field since this one and my dream is to be self employed in my new field, but I am still a beginner in it and it’s a hard sector to break into so for now it makes sense me working in my old field. The goal is to find enough work to pay my bills in my old field in a low stress part time job, then secure my first client in my new field, with the view to eventually being fully self sufficient in my new field, yay!!

I was working on this goal when I met him but was feeling really unmotivated and low about it as my self employment attempts had mostly flopped. Realising this man might have actually killed me seems to have reinvigorated my appreciation of life and also make me even more determined to work towards my dreams. A lady at the Samaritans asked about my self employed venture and she was so positive about it and told me to not let my (detail removed by Moderator) ex ruin it for me. She told me not to waste my talent. These abusers hate to see us using our skills and talents and doing well, it is great when we start to thrive without them, start to realise what we can achieve, things they tried to make us think were impossible. 🙂

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