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Since husband’s massive outburst a week or so ago, and having started to read up on all of this, I’m starting to notice all the small things, but am not sure whether these count as abuse, or whether I’m just being picky …
1. Going on and on and on about me spending all his money (even tho I don’t .. unless you count food shopping for the family).
2. Getting ready for us going out (either as a family or together) much much later than he should, thus making us all late, and having to wait for him … i.e we leave when he is ready, not when anyone else says so
3. Always asking me for a drink, I make all his breakfasts and take them to him in bed, do all the washing up, ironing, cleaning, massage his feet when they are tired .. blames me if I haven’t done any of the above and e.g. he is “left thirsty”
4. Asking me to do one thing, then another soon after and blaming my “inefficiency” if I don’t do them in the order he thinks is right
5. Being awkward on purpose in a way that seems like he is dampening anything which makes me happy
6. Taking offence at anything and blowing it out of proportion … e.g. you didn’t make eye contact with me enough last night
7. Suggesting pretty ridiculous things, just to see whether I rise to it (detail removed by moderator) (my new tactic is just to say “ok – go for it”
8. Putting his needs before mine (“can you look up xyz on the computer for me?” when it is clear that I am drying my hair, and when I point this out, calls me a name referring to the way my hair looks)Am I being super picky??? These are literally all within the space of 24 hours .. it is SO constant that it drives me nuts inside. Just me and the kids here at the mo, and so lovely and relaxed.
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? is every relationship like this?
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Dear abcxyz,
The things that I could identify with from your list, my ex was so mean with money, it prevented natural life flowing is a way to describe it. It was hit and miss if I got anything for birthdays or Valentines day, twice in the whole of our relationship did he take me out and pay & it would be awkward in a shop if something needed to be brought. I sympathized a little bit as his dad & role model was worse. But to be a partner with someone that mean & constricted with money is not easy. I’m by no means a free loader and always paid 50/50 for everything, but as a woman occasionally it is nice to be treated isn’t it. My ex’s attitude towards timekeeping and being reliable was very poor. He just did not care if he was late or if he was inconveniencing anybody, he was like it to everybody. The last time that I saw him we had an arrangement to go out for the evening, he was paying!, he turned up almost two hours late with no decent apology or explanation. I did not see him again after that as I ended it. I think this lateness thing is a power and control issue on their part. One day I arrived home from work, i cycle and was drenched at it was raining heavily. He was already indoors, underneath the quilt watching TV, he had been in for a while. I expected him to say hello and maybe even make me a cup of tea whilst I got changed and sorted out. He did not move but picked up his cup and held it out to me to make him a cup, I had just got in and was soaking wet. I thought it was highly disrespectful and just added it onto my list of him and his rudeness. Like a fool, i smiled and make us both a cup of tea. At that point I was not clear about what was right or wrong in relationships & normal or not normal. I can understand how people would not get that. My ex did not find it attractive when I was happy, positive, independent or being myself. He would rain on my parade. I think he struggled with me as an independent separate entity from himself, he didn’t really get I was not conjoined with him and I had my own ideas, moods and ways. He would ruin these times for me in one way or another. It were not possible for us to have a normal (healthy) argument. Any issue would get blown out of all proportion until it become a matter of life or death. It would have been so much better when an issue arose for us to either mutually bash it out, have a slanging match with neither of us feeling threatened to shout & air the issue and then making up. this is what I think is normal. We never did that, he was not able to. He would take HUGE offence at the smallest thing and then give me the silent treatment for weeks. I was always on egg shells with him. You might find it helpful to look at 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, its free to read on Amazon. X -
that’s reassuring – thank you …. I’ll definitely give that a read. Same here re the arguments – we can’t just disagree without him going crazy and saying he might as well be with someone else .. just seems to immature and again, attention seeking. Ugh 🙁 … he often says that I have been “too independent” in the past but bearing in mind I raise our 3 kids pretty much single handed, I have to be at some times. xx
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My ex quite liked throwing in cryptic comments into conversation. We broke up (detail removed by moderator) months ago now and I’ve had time to reassess the situation. I think that the cryptic comments, at the time he was using them were to see how far he could push me. i.e ‘I might even take some holidays on my own’, and other cryptic comments that certainly left an impact, left me confused, unsure and nervous. I suspected at that point he was either seeing another woman or had one lined up and he was paving the way for more time alone, away from me. Our final correspondence ended with him leaving a cryptic comment, this i know now was designed to keep me guessing. Nothing was straightforward with him. If something happened, he did something wrong for example, i.e made a mistake. I was not allowed to be annoyed or have a go at him. I had to accept it. If i got annoyed or had a go, he would storm out and not talk to me for 2 weeks. Even if he had really upset me, let me down or did something blatently wrong.
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That sounds all too familiar ….. and he can be SOOO nice about other things e.g. I scraped my car (detail removed by moderator), and he was extremely supportive and kind, but then when I tried to bring up how I was feeling about us he went mental, and said that it was typical – that I could do something (scrape the car), but if he did something (hurt my feelings) I turned it all on him. Hardly the same thing. Hence he threw a tonne of insults at me and demanded that I sleep in the spare room before he got “really angry”. Nice. .. I hadn’t even touched on how I felt … just broached the subject in general!!!
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I am glad that I no longer have these problems. I always knew that talking about problems, being open and honest is the way to solve things. We weren’t able to do that. Or rather I talked about problems, but he had an agenda which was to make me talk and be open, he would then use the information against me later. It was very dysfunctional. I had not had that many relationships up to then so wasn’t used to it all. I thought sharing confidences and being honest was normal and decent, unfortunatly I was the one being that & he was just a closed book, quietly gathering information about me. After we split I said to his son that I do not feel that I really know him, his son said the same. My ex was like a chameleon, he would copy the personality of whatever woman he was with at the time, I never got to know the real him.
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I asked my sister why my ex was like he was and she said ( abuse aside) that he was just too selfish to have a relationship- with anyone.
I don’t know by these abusers didn’t just do the decent thing and just never get involved in a relationship, because they are just too selfish to give to anyone else. When we first meet them, they are full of promises, but it soon becomes clear that they are really only in a relationship to get their own needs met, have constant attention and to feel powerful.
You aren’t making a mountain out of a molehill. All those behaviours, everyday, is draining and unfair. They are exhausting. It’s like they are sucking the blood and energy out of us, and never replenishing us by giving us kindness or attention back. They take, take and take. They are bottomless pits.
I don’t think every relationship is like this. I have friends who are able to commend their partners for being kind and compassionate.
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abcxyz You are not being picky at all, all on the list you made are abusive tactics, I experience the insults when trying to broach the subject of his behavoir and to spoil positive things, mine does that all the time.
Also taking offence and blowing it out of all proportion, he can say and do what he likes to me and he will excuse it or blame me but let me do anything or rather him imagine Ive done something then I dont here the last of it and he sulks and cuts me off, their world revolves around them and them only, what would happen if you stopped doing the things he expects, keep posting as you start to see the truth xxxxx -
If I had thrown caution to the wind, spoke my mind & stood up for myself I believe that all hell would have broken loose 😱😱😱😱😱….so for example I would say something like “actually you are wrong, I don’t like how you are talking to me, please don’t say that “.He likely response would have been to throw me a really icy stare, say nothing but leave & not talk to me for 2 weeks,I would feel hate & contempt oozing out of him 👹👹👹👹👹
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I can relate to at least half of these and could add similar.
Especially 1,3 and 8
Would start tea then leave it to play on game and order me to watch it for him stating he needed wind down time after work. Apparently he was entitled where as I wasn’t. And didn’t matter if I was busy with something myself. sometimes he didn’t ask me to watch it then went mad when it burned “didn’t you smell it burning?”
Anything organised which didn’t suit him in some way was a deliberate attack on him and therefore would have to be rearranged, cancelled or disrupted by his behaviour. Anything tried to arrange but checking with him to get his needs taken into account would be turned into a drama or impossibility.
All these tactics undermine your confidence and you loose yourself in the fear of displeasing him by doing or saying something that doesn’t benefit him. -
Ladies – thank you SO much … feel so much better reading your replies. @SilkyHalide – yes, if I need him to attend something it is a really big deal a lot of the time, and then exactly the same if something organised which doesn’t suit him. The number of times I have had to make excuses or back out of things ….
So … I have started making a list, and keeping a diary of all these bits and pieces. I’m not sure whether it will help my cause at all but is certainly helping me to see that the controlling behaviours are shown daily. Yesterday’s classic was him saying “I didn’t know you were taking the kids out for the day on Thursday”, I replied that I had told him before (Which I had), and he said “I thought we agreed that you weren’t going to do that again after the last time” (er …. no we didn’t .. you just don’t want me to). I said again “I did tell you”, to which he stormed off saying “well I should be used to it, you are being selfish as usual”.How can someone be so blind to the way they are behaving!?!?!?
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Hi, I get this so much denying that we have arranged something or talked about something then he blames me .
They live in denial and they will not see what they do, not sure actually if they can’t or won’t but they are all the same. Have you read the book by Lundy Bancroft – why does he do that, it a very big eye opener and Patricia Evans various books are very good as , both availabe on Amazon, take care, you are in good company on here as you learn and see their tactics , you will be amazed at how many ladies report the same issues x*x -
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