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I was advised by a womensaid outreach worker to speak to GP, police etc. I am now beginning to regret doing so. A nurse at a sexual health clinic asked me about abuse and then decided to do a marac. He assured me no one would speak to my kids so they couldn’t guess domething was up. Subsequently, I’ve been contacted by the police, social services and other agencies. I feel they’re taking control out of my hands. I wanted to do things my way.
They want to talk to my children and thats causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. Mostly I’m worried my children will see me as a victim. I’ve always tried to show them a strong woman who wasn’t afraid of anything. I don’t want them to lose respect for me. I don’t think I could bear that. Social services said they wanted to just make sure they were happy. They want to talk to them in school. Now I won’t be able to look the teachers in the face. I feel like hiding away somewhere and not coming out again. I wish I hadn’t said anything to anyone. I feel ashamed of myself for letting everything happen to me.
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Hey there. None of this is your fault. I think you should think of yourself as a survivor and your children will see how strong you are to be able to reach out for all the help you can for you all. By speaking out you are actually making things safer and sending the message to your children that abusers thrive on silence and it’s ok to talk and ask for help. None of this is your shame. I felt like you do in the beginning but that’s still the FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt. I would look the teacher straight in the eyes. You are doing the right thing. Before they speak to your children you could make this point. They could tell your children how strong you are to reach out for help. You can turn this around to your advantage. I know how you feel. The police had to speak to my son about his father, my anxiety was off the scale but it was ok. Children too are stronger than we think. Hang in there, survivors of abuse are the strongest women in the world. You don’t need to prove that to anyone ✊️
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Thank you Kip.
I wish I could hug you right now. I’ve been so scared and worried. My children are the only reason I have for living. I seem to fail at everything else. I thought I could be the best at being their mum. But I have even started to question my ability at that.
Thank you for reassuring me x
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Hey, hug a pillow n pretend it’s me lol. I will do the same 😃
You are a fantastic mum, you do not need to prove that to anyone. Given time and no contact you will be able to see that for yourself. Meantime you’re still vulnerable so be very kind to yourself. We can be own own worst critic because of the negativism from our abusers. Try not to fall into that trap. It gets easier. Onwards and upwards x -
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In time your children will understand. They will see you as the strong women you are, as you are protecting them. They will respect you for this. As for the children’s school, the school will see you as a brave women, all school staff are trained in DA and will be very understanding and not judgemental. I know how you are feeling, my child is the only reason I have stayed alive, everyday i look at my child and just seeing them change emotionally by becoming more confident and less fearful I know it’s worth it. I do struggle with thinking I am a hopeless mother, they should live with their father and they do not love me because what our life has become. It is hard, but I am sure it will get better.
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Hello. I am not a mother so I cannot comment on relationship with your child. However, I find this feeling of ‘regretting speaking out’ very very very familiar. I made a statement to police. I told other people (a lot of people) about what’s happening. I retracted my statement. I made statement again and I retracted it again. So many times I was thinking I would have had more peace if I had kept my mouth shut. Did things my way. Not sure of your situation whether you are still with your abusive partner or not. And my relationship would have probably been never ending. I felt like wanting to give a proper chance, but I felt embarrassed. In front of all the people that I told the truth. I felt not stable mentally. I felt a victim. And then suddenly I grabbed my chance to change my mind (detail removed by Moderator). I let those people, who have authorities to help me. And I don’t feel victim anymore. I feel very very strong. Emotional, yes, but strong. I say yes, this is what happened. And I spoke about it. And I am proud about coming out of it. And I would not accept anyone saying it is my fault or I should feel embarrassed.
I don’t know how old your child is. But I don’t think they never picked up that something is not okay in a house. If you accept help and break a silence you are a strong person and they will understand that sooner or later. I think they would see a strong woman in you. xx -
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You’ve done so so well. Please give yourself a big hug! It’s taken years of shoving stuff under the carpet and now the carpet is up to the ceiling and probably composting. It is really scary at the beginning. The not knowing, the time it takes to get support in place, the other people affected in real life by similar behaviour.
You will get there. I am surprised by how my days are good and bad. I am shocked and don’t know how to deal with the fact that my husband is a sex offender and quite likely a rapist to boot.
Womens Aid are just fantastic. Life Changers. Social Services are there to help. Saying that, I found the first SW terrifying. I told my solicitor and my WA outreach worker and the WA person came with me to meet the head of the SW team to sort it out.
I am still under the same roof as my abusive husband. The house needs to go on the market and my husband is having nothing to do with it. I think this is part of the control thing and dragging things out. Then he rages at me for not going to mediation with him.
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Thank you maddog, hope it all works out for you and you’re finally free of him.
As for me, social services removed him from our home last week and he has been trying to get my family on his side. He even broke the no contact SS imposed on him. I am going to take out a non molestation order today but I’m scared he might get angry. I have the curtains drawn to stop me looking outside everytime cars go by. I keep lights off as much as possible so he won’t know we’re at home. I can’t predict what he will do which makes it worse than if he was here. I’m afraid to go out or answer the door or the phone. The only reason I go out is for the kids. Even then I’m constantly watching the surrounding area to make sure we’re safe. At home everytime I hear a noise I think he’s come back. The kids seem much more resilient than I gave them credit for. They seem happier at the moment but they don’t like how I’m fussing over little details like not letting them run ahead to school.
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You have done the right thing by listening to WA’s advice.
What makes you think your children could lose respect for you?
Your children need to see you as a human being. No woman can always be strong and conquer the world daily and continuously.
It is important they learn the truth.
Taking action and keeping them safe will increase their respect for you.
Children lose respect for mothers who stay and continue being abused.
Taking all the hard steps to get out and building a new, abuse free life will secure you their love and respect for the rest of your life. The older they get the more they will realize how strong and protective a mother you are for doing this.
Use the school to help you.
Utilize all the services to support you for building an abuse free life. -
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I hope you got your non mol order and report each and every breach. I fought hard to keep my abuser away and it was well worth it. No contact is the only way to move forward and get some sanity back x the anxiety will lessen and taking back control really helped me. You have the power back now so keep it x
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