Staying for your kids?

[Eggshells]

I know there are those of you out there who are currently going through the dilemma of whether you should stay for the sake of your kids.

I just wanted to share my story with you.

I stayed for my kids. I thought that they needed the stability of two parents and the financial security that gave them a life that they couldn’t have had if I’d left.

I knew the marriage was bad but even though he had clearly done abusive things, I somehow didn’t manage to work out it was abusive. I stayed.

Now I regret it.

My grown son became suicidal when he came to the realisation that he had been a victim of abuse by his father; mostly that incredibly damaging coercive control.

Up until that point, he had believed me when I told him that my ex had been abusive to me. But even though they know what their father is like, they have struggled to understand why I viewed it as abusive. When you’ve lived your whole life with that as your normal, it’s hard to understand that it is abuse.

Then the scales fell away from his eyes and suddenly he got it and it hit him like a ton of bricks. He is safe now, he has moved back in with me and can stay as long as he wants. I’m think I am going to move us both out of the area but it will take a little time.

For now though, he has a very painful journey ahead of him and my younger son will undoubtedly have the same struggle ahead when he realises that he has also been a victim of abuse. It’s heartbreaking and I so wish that I had left earlier. By staying I failed to protect them.

So if you’re having that dilemma of whether you should stay for your children’s sake, all I can say is that it was the wrong decision for me. It did them more harm than good.

Stay safe everyone. xx

[KIP.]

Hi Eggshells, I stayed for the same reasons and my son learned from his father that is ok to abuse. So please take that step get yourself and your children as far away as you can from that influence. At least when you’re apart you can parent properly and teach values and boundaries.

[iliketea]

@Eggshells thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry to hear about your son. Thank you. That is a very powerful post to read. Brought a lump to my throat. Has really made me think hard and will continue to. Thank you. I hope you can all find somewhere where you can start some new and happier memories for you as a family. I hope your son continues to stay safe, sounds like you are a wonderful mum and are open and supportive with them. Sending strength and warm wishes your way. xx

[Eggshells]

It’s almost unbearable to hear the pain in his tears. It’s pure grief. He had built his entire identity around trying to please his father. He is mourning the loss of the person that he thought he was.

He will find his real self and be so much happier and stronger in the end but I think a lot of ladies on here will identify with what is going through. It’s the total loss of self and total loss of knowing who he is. It’s the loss certainty about his future. At the moment it feels like a wilderness to him. He will come to see it as a blank canvas to fill but at the moment it is just grief and fear. I so wish I had saved my children from this.

[Hazydayz]

Eggshells 💞 I relate to you completely! I too love with same feelings. My daughter is so affected, she couldn’t patent her own children. She lives a sad existence having lost them forever to the system. I have to bare that guilt too!

[Weepingwillow]

Thank you for posting Eggshells. I have stayed for the kids and still failing as a mom but not being strong enough . I always believed kids were better off with both parents xx

[diymum@1]

Lots of evidence shows this ; that kids need both role models but there is an exception. When the one parent is abusive (mainly the fathers) in this instance it has been show to be more detrimental.

[Anonymous]

Having two abusive parents I have to say that when people would always tell me and still do say it sometimes that – you should always respect your parents. They are your parents!!! Blah, blah. And I say, hm,m,m…I think they would have needed to deserve that respect before I give it to them. They don’t get a title just because they are by biological parents or because they give me food, clothing and shelter. They should do that, period and I shouldn’t grovel in thanks because they did. Most abusive parents do that so they look good anyways, not because they care about the child.

Said all that to say that having the title of a father – means they should actually “be” a father, 100% of the time, not just when they feel like it. Again, they need to earn the title of Father and earn respect from their child. I don’t see it as an automatic thing that any child needs to give a parent or has to give a parent. I get real sick and tired of hearing abusive men say you better respect me!! Uhhh, if you’re abusive then what is there to respect exactly? Of course what they mean is respect my power to hurt you or your mother, to fear me. That’s what respect means to an abuser. Staying with an abusive man really isn’t doing anything for a child except making them more bankrupt in the area of “what a father really should be”.

[Author]

Posts