2nd May 2021 at 6:35 am #125440LovingLifeParticipant
I have mostly made up my mind to leave with our child. There are some good moments but the bad ones seem to happen more frequently and become harder to deal with now that I know it is abuse. I think he senses a change in me and is scared of me leaving.
What shall I do though? I anticipate that his behaviour gets worse when I leave. Don’t know how and when to organise that either as he virtually never leaves the house. Lockdown made that worse. He loves our child but starts the gaslighting there as well which worries me.
I wish I could have full custody for our child but is it fair to keep them from their dad? Am I projecting my feelings onto our child? They have a good relationship together even though my child has a stronger bond with me; normal for a toddler. Ever so often though, my partner loses his cool and swears at our child or blames them for his mood. Am I overreacting to see this as abuse?
I am worried that 1) I deprive my child of contact with their father and 2) having to deal with him for many more years to raise our child together apart. I fear that the abuse towards me. Will only get worse.
4th May 2021 at 10:59 am #125523LisaMain Moderator
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, it sounds like the abuse is getting worse now that he can sense you are gaining some control, and his manipulation and emotional abuse is beginning to be directed towards your child. It must be a difficult and stressful time for you at the moment.
You are not overreacting to his behaviour towards your child, he is an adult and can control his reactions, it’s not okay for him to take anything out on your child, you both deserve to feel safe in your home.
It can be really important to start getting some support in place in anticipation of leaving. As you say, abuse does often escalate at this time and it could really help to have some practical support around things. Have you been in touch with your local specialist domestic abuse support service at all? You can find them via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
They should be able to help you with safety planning if you need some support in making a plan around how/when to leave safely.
It will also be important to start gathering evidence of the abuse if possible, you may wish to speak to your GP, or to keep a record of any threatening or abusive messages, emails, voicemails etc. that you receive from him. If you feel safe to do so, you could log the abuse with the police too.
In regards to the child contact, it might be a good idea to access some confidential legal advice around this, to get an idea of your rights and options. Rights of Women have a family law advice line and can give free legal advice over the phone, they also have a lot of useful information on their website: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/
Take care and keep posting,
4th May 2021 at 3:03 pm #125527gettingtiredParticipant
Hey I haven’t left yet but just wanted to say it really isn’t acceptable for him to be swearing at your child or blaming them for his mood. There is no excuse so you’re not overreacting or overthinking it at all. I don’t have children but from reading the forum and my experience with my own Dad, abusers seem to use their children as weapons against the Mothers xx
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