8th September 2020 at 10:05 am #113269FaithinfutureParticipant
So, I’ve made a first step and instructed Solicitors. Now I am waiting for a letter to be drafted. We made it clear that we No longer going to be together, but I haven’t said much more as advised by Solicitors and therapist. As I am currently a nervous wreck, with No self-esteem, constantly feeling guilty about things and try to justify every action, I really fear the next few months. We will most likely live together until the house is sold and I keep being gaslighted (he pretends he can’t hear me or doesn’t understand what I say, makes things up about me, etc.) and he really exagerates how happy he is and he plays to be the super Dad- although all the cleaning, cooking, planning surprise surprise is done by me. But he’s this fun person and makes it so difficult for me to stay strong myself. Things that he doesn’t do around the house I Have to pick up meaning I Have less time with the child. All the food shopping and cooking healthy meals is fine but under current circumstances I feel more like his maid, despite the fact that we are splitting up. It’s so undermining and I’m literally in tears every day.
9th September 2020 at 11:35 am #113318LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum! I hope you find it a supportive place to be.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, you have done nothing wrong at all. It’s very unfair that you are having to do so much in the house and that he treats you this way.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
Take care, we are all here for you,
9th September 2020 at 5:34 pm #113334BeautifuldayParticipant
Well done! You should feel so proud of yourself! Im proud of you! What you’ve done is such a hard step and so difficult especially when you have to live under the same roof whilst its all going on.
If you don’t mind can I ask you something? I have kind of a similar situation, married , shared home mortgage, ive broached to him im not happy said I want to divorce but he brushes it under the carpet. I sought legal advuce with a good solicitor who is on standby when I want to proceed with filing for divorce, yet I can’t bring myself to do it. I think the fear with me is that letter coming through the door and how hes going to react, if i didn’t have to live in the house and not see him would be much easier but sadly I can’t move out.
I’m on the very brink of telling the solicitor to draft the letter but I keep going backwards and feel so stupid. How did you get the strength and courage? Was your partner like mine in that he wasn’t listening when you said you wasn’t happy etc? How on earth do I do this ;( i really can’t cope x*x
11th September 2020 at 10:20 am #113449FaithinfutureParticipant
I am in exactly same situation. I was never taken seriously, even when I said I want a divorce. My friend who was a lawyer told me to listen to my solicitors. At the end of the day they deal with it daily and they know what they’re doing.
I am now at the stage that the letter is drafted and I am making some final amendments. I am honestly scared as anything for when it arrives and his reaction keeps me awake at nights. I keep telling myself that a lot of people face very similar situation and they do manage to come out of it in the end. Also I spoke to my other friend who was in a similar position and a divorce/ separation is never pleasant but so worth it.
And the most important, I finally decided that I do not deserve mistreatment and it will continue if I stay married. I spoke to my therapist about it, I also contacted my local support centre. Additionally I asked solicitors if they can draft a letter asking my partner to stop verbal abuse- I have to start respecting myself.
I am still very scared but knowing you are working towards something gives you that strength. But it’s soooooo difficult. It took me years to get there, but if you surround yourself with the right support network, things will get more manageable.
You can do it- the fact that you contacted solicitors is more than you give yourself credit for! Do not allow people to ignore you and not take you seriously
11th September 2020 at 2:55 pm #113470BeautifuldayParticipant
Thank you so much for your reply.
With me ive said several times im not happy and will be seeking legal advice, its like it goes in one ear out the other , then the next day hes all nice as pie like nothing happened this is whats messing with my head, im scared then to proceed and draft the letter as I think he doesnt understand the seriousness of what im saying. Would you just go ahead and draft it anyway?
Up until now I’ve only had free 30 mins legal advice but I know where i stand now with regards to rhe home next steps with divorce etc so I feel she’s there ready and waiting when I want to proceed. I wss hoping I know it sounds bad that he would have had one of his tantrums or called me names but since I’ve mentioned solicitor he seems to be on best behaviour but I’m not falling for it no more.
It just worries me so much having to live under the same roof whilst it all goes on 🙁 and keep imaging what if the house doesn’t sell for years ill be stuck under the same roof divorced with him watching my every move 🙁
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